I’m mild-mannered and normally not prone to violence. But I want all of you to understand something: The *second* any of your little movements gain any real traction, I will join whatever armed service that will have me and personally play a role in dragging your traitorous, unwashed little behinds back into the Union.

If I’m asked to raise arms against you former Americans, I will do so. If asked to raze your “self-sufficient” farms, sow the ground with salt, and herd your antibiotic-free pigs back to camp to feed my comrades-in-arms, I’ll do it with a bounce in my step. I’m sure your organic produce will be quite tasty after a hard day of marching (again) to Atlanta, or (snicker) Montpelier.

Patriotic Americans periodically do what they have to in order to keep this country together, sometimes by force of arms. We did it from 1861-65, and we’ll do it again if necessary.

So continue throwing your conventions and writing your adorable Internet screeds. Keep whining about the imperfect but better-than-any-alternative-on-earth Republic that has sheltered you, fed you, educated you, and kept you from harm your whole ungrateful little life. The Constitution permits even this kind of bizarre dissent. (You’re welcome.)

But keep your games in the sandbox, fellas. I’d hate to have to bring the Battle Hymn of the Republic down on you little scamps. It’ll happen if it needs to, though, and I ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie (unlike some people I could mention.)

Y’all behave yourselves, now…

Christopher Blair

Portland, Ore.

United States

I’m mild-mannered and normally not prone to violence. But I want all of you to understand something: The *second* any of your little movements gain any real traction, I will join whatever armed service that will have me and personally play a role in dragging your traitorous, unwashed little behinds back into the Union.

If I’m asked to raise arms against you former Americans, I will do so. If asked to raze your “self-sufficient” farms, sow the ground with salt, and herd your antibiotic-free pigs back to camp to feed my comrades-in-arms, I’ll do it with a bounce in my step. I’m sure your organic produce will be quite tasty after a hard day of marching (again) to Atlanta, or (snicker) Montpelier.

Patriotic Americans periodically do what they have to in order to keep this country together, sometimes by force of arms. We did it from 1861-65, and we’ll do it again if necessary.

So continue throwing your conventions and writing your adorable Internet screeds. Keep whining about the imperfect but better-than-any-alternative-on-earth Republic that has sheltered you, fed you, educated you, and kept you from harm your whole ungrateful little life. The Constitution permits even this kind of bizarre dissent. (You’re welcome.)

But keep your games in the sandbox, fellas. I’d hate to have to bring the Battle Hymn of the Republic down on you little scamps. It’ll happen if it needs to, though, and I ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie (unlike some people I could mention.)

Y’all behave yourselves, now…

Christopher Blair

Portland, Ore.

United States