Boing Boing: To the Anonymous Gay Teen

Ouch, yeah… that’s the problem with putting all kinds of private data online when you aren’t ready to talk about it with the people who are supposed to matter most in your life, but it’s understandable. Your parents are religious, I understand that that causes issues… I’m from a mixed race family… my mother is dutch and caucasian, my father is from the Dutch Antilles and he is black AND religious… a Jehovah’s witness at that.  So I totally understand where you are coming from, but…  if they are true to their religion, they will get the major point in the bible / koran / etc… it should be about love, and not about judgement.  If there is judging to be done, it’s supposed to happen at the gates to heaven.  Your parents should love you regardless…  you are their child, you were that before they knew you were gay, and you are still the same person, the only change is the fact that it’s not a secret anymore.  They could already have known anyway, but they might have been in denial.   When I was younger and not yet out of the closet, I knew that my mother and brother would have no problem with it… the only one I expected to have issues with it was my dad. My parents had divorced when I was 8 years old and I moved to the Netherlands with my mom and brother, so my father still lived in Curaçao… thousands of miles away.  I didn’t think it was right to tell my mom and brother and not to tell him… I didn’t want to tell him I was gay over the phone or in a letter or email… It was something that had to happen face to face , and when I was ready.   I got into a slight depression when I had to end my relationship with my then girlfriend and realize that I was gay and had to change all the previous plans of children etc etc.  I got some books about coming out and I just thought about how I would tell my parents.  Because of the depression, my  mom had called my father and told him about it, so he called me. He said he was coming over to the Netherlands for a few weeks. He was staying at my house… so now I had to tell him. I decided to leave my house the way it was… with a picture of the Brewer twins on the wall, a poster of Leonardo diCaprio (actually my ex’s poster) and a huge Gay Games flag above my bed.  I told my father about my internship at Gay Games, and he said “Weren’t you afraid they’d do something to you?”  I felt very offended and I just blurted it out… “NO, why?! That’s stupid to sady that… plus, I’m gay myself!”   I know, it wasn’t they way I planned to say it, but at least it was out there. My mom and brother came over and we had a talk about this. My father said he couldn’t accept it bla bla bla… my mother and brother said that it didn’t change anything.  My father went back to Curaçao and we kept in contact via phonecalls, letters and email. When my boyfriend noticed a very good deal on flights to Curaçao, he booked two tickets on that same friday. He told me about it that day… I called my father that night and I asked “Is it ok if we come and stay at your house this sunday?”.  It was, so my boyfriend and me went there 2 days later.  My father was nice to my boyfriend although he did occasionally go into the standard “you’re both nice guys, there are so many nice girls out there” thing. I just kept the answers short and simple.  I didn’t like the fact that he introduced my boyfriend to people as “a friend of” instead of “his boyfriend”. But that’s probably understandable in the beginning.I went back to Curaçao on holiday a couple of times, and he had become a Jehovah’s witness while I had been away. In 2007 he asked”are you still into that gay stuff?”.  I said “Gay stuff?” I am gay… yes. It’s not a choice… just like you never ticked a box to choose to be straight… you were born that way.  When I was there in 2007 I hung out with my cousins and I had told one of them I was gay… she was totally fine with it. In the end it comes down to it being your life… you are their son. If they love you, they will learn to accept it… the majority of parents will be fine with it. It’s only a minority that doesn’t. I do know one guy here who’s lost all contact with his parents. That’s very hard, but life goes on, and he would be much unhappier if he stayed in the same situation with parents who were negative all the time.  Another guy didn’t want to talk to his father anymore after his parents divorced due to his coming out. He is very close with his mom, he doesn’t see or speak to his father at anymore.Noone can tell you what to do… everyone’s situation is different, and everyone has his or her own feelings, thoughts, wants and needs.  I hope it all works out for you in the end…  I hope that you have people in your life who care about you and support you through these hard times. If you can’t deal with things at your parents’ house, maybe you can stay with more laid back relatives or at your best friends’ house if things get very bad.  I can give anyone out there who is still closeted a tip though… these books could help you, either with coming to terms with being gay and finding your way to come out, or by getting your parents to realise what it’s all about.My child is gay: How parents react when they hear the news.  (a book full of letters from gays and lesbians and their parents, telling their stories about coming out and learning about their child’s coming out).   Isbn: 1-86488-658-9Outing Yourself: How to come out as lesbian or gay to your family, friends and collegues  - Michelangelo Signorile    Isbn: 0-349-10679-7The Journey Out: A guide for and about Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual teens – Rachel Pollach & Cheryl Schwartz.  Isbn: 0-670-85845-5Empowering the tribe: A positive guide to Gay and Lesbian self-esteem – Richard L. Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.  Isbn: 1-57566-424-0