I’d Like You to Meet My…? The Dilemma of Labeling Your Love
- Posted by: Mark Peters
- on February 13, 2009 at 8:30 am
Ever since Adam introduced Eve to Barney the dinosaur—talk about awkward!—the nomenclature of relationships has been fraught with difficulty.
Boyfriend and girlfriend are the most acceptable terms for the person you’re dating, yet seem too childish for oldsters or even thirtysomethings. In conversation, we often settle for bulky phrases like “person I’m hanging out with” or “she/he who makes the celestial choirs sing.” Sadly, it just isn’t kosher to refer to your better half when you’ve only had two dates.
Since I am here to be helpful, I’ve compiled a helpful list of terms to call the object of your affections, along with pros, cons, and nuggets of linguistic history. My heartfelt apologies to old man, old lady, boy toy, beau, paramour, schmoopy, and sweet patootie.
partner
History: One of bazillions of senses of partner, the romantic meaning goes back to at least 1667 and Paradise Lost, that date movie of the 17th century.
Pros: Applies to any sexuality and implies a 50-50 situation.
Cons: Judy McGuire—author of How Not to Date and many columns, said by email “…partner is just so sterile. When used to describe one’s mate I imagine a couple that never knock boots, but instead have a partnership chock full o’ mutual respect, good deeds and granola.” That doesn’t sound too horrifying, but partner gives me the ibby-jibbies too.
main squeeze
History: In the late 19th century, a main squeeze was less likely to be squeezed or serenaded with Barry White: it referred to a boss. By the 1920s, the big cheese and cuddle monkey senses were both in use, before love won out over management.
Pros: Humorous and physical, but not sleazy.
Cons: Implies that there could be secondary and intern squeezes. Also, the term may not comfortably carry all the connotations of eternal love found in a Drew Barrymore movie.
significant other
History: Originally a social psychology term for, as the Oxford English Dictionary puts it, “any person with great influence on the behavior, self-opinion, etc., of another (esp. of a child).” The first hootchie-kootchie-ish meaning was found in 1977.
Pros: Makes the person feel significant—or at least significant-y.
Cons: Pretentious. Pretentious. Did I say pretentious? Also, it’s vague. I’ve viewed certain pizzas as worthy of significant-other status, but that may be a personal problem.
sweetheart
History: Has meant “a person with whom one is in love” since 1576. Nineteenth century nonces sweetheartdom and sweetheartship would fit comfortably in my little dictionary or any VD card.
Pros: It’s sweet. Sugar rush!
Cons: It’s sweet. Sugar coma!
Related terms: sweetie, sweetie pie, sweetie face, sweetie-whatever. Erin McKean—author of That’s Amore: The Language of Love for Lovers of Language says, “I do think you should run, run, run from anyone who calls you sweetums, but that’s just my prejudice.”
POSSLQ
History: This 1970s-era census term stands for “Persons of opposite sex sharing living quarters”.
Pros: Very attractive to acronym fetishists.
Cons: It is insane.
lover
History: Since lovers are well-known for knowing each other Biblically, it’s fitting that the first known use of this word (with this meaning) is found in the Bible.
Pros: Kind of accurate. Lovers love, just as haters hate and exorcists exorcize.
Cons: I think Liz Lemon spoke for us all, in the 30 Rock episode “Secrets and Lies,” when she said: “That word bums me out unless it’s between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza’.” Judy McGuire isn’t a fan either: “… whenever I hear it, I immediately envision the couple in question licking honey off each other and then rutting doggie style on a circular-bed. It just conjures up visions of 1970s porn starring whomever uttered the word.”
soulmate
History: Dates from 1822 and a letter by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, in which the poet wrote “You must have a Soulmate as well as a House or Yoke-mate”.
Pros: I can’t help you.
Cons: Quite possibly the most loathsome, barf-provoking word in the English language or any other.
Sources cannot confirm that soulmate is objectively the worst word in the world. However, McKean—who collected romance-related terms from many languages in That’s Amore—says many are far better, or at least “weirdly evocative,” such as Zuckerschnecke and jegar, German and Persian words for a sugar snail and a liver, respectively. Says McKean, “A cute snail! Made of sugar! A large internal organ! These are the things we call the people we love.” Reaching even deeper into the cereal box of language, McKean also recommends bookie-sug, a South Carolina term for sweetheart collected in the Dictionary of American Regional English, saying, “I like it because it’s so absurd.”
What about you, my sugar snails and bookie-sugs? Let us know the terms you love, hate, like, and like-like, in comments.
DISCUSSION: 457 Comments
So here’s an etymological question then. Is “boo” a derivation of “bookie-sugs” (sort of makes sense) or did it come from a mispronunciation of “beau”, which is what I always assumed?
How about “bitch”, used by both people in the relationship?”Hi Sam, who’s this?” <> “Oh, this is Chris, my bitch”.
Before we got married, my wife and I referred to each other as “co-mortgagees”. As in, “we’ve been co-mortgagees for 7 years now”.
I’ve always found “liebchen” to be a nice word.
I agree that the term “soulmate” is very loathsome. I hate words people use to explain a connection that they think is mystical, when it’s really just two people who happen to get along really well and find each other attractive.
I’m all for boo.
“Partner” gives you the ibby-jibbies?? One creepy guy I dated years ago called me “Kiddo,” and sometimes referred to me as his “little lady.” Ick. I called him “Little Man,” which was a taste of his own medicine but also, unfortunately for both of us, true. The relationship ended soon after, thank god.
Frankly I prefer “partner”. I have been in a long term relationship for about 7 years that has yielded 1.5 children so far and one thing I have learned is that long term relationships tend to lean more towards the partnership than the hot, steamy, passionate desire side after awhile. I mean being twitterpated 24/7 is exhausting, so when you finally start acting like your normal self in conjunction with another person, and you don’t have a ring, you are partners.
boo and/or lover
I like ‘partner’ for the equality it suggests. It has, however, caused some confusion, with others thinking I must be referring to a partner of the same sex.
Paramour.
I call my same sex partner my husbear (but that’s because he’s kind of hairy).
I’ve always been quite partial to “number one lady fan”
To introduce some Britishisms… I (somewhat ironically) refer to my partner as ‘my bloke’ or ‘The Bloke’. This covers all levels of commitment, except perhaps open relationships as there is a definite possession implied, but it doesn’t have much gravitas. You also have to put up with the female equivalent, ‘my bird’ or ‘my woman’ or even worse, ‘my girl’.
Well, I don’t have one, but I can imagine saying “my lover” if it was a vibrant relationship and we didn’t know where it was going, or “the old ball and chain” if we were pretty sure we were becoming joined at the hip. An old fashioned one is “Beloved”, and you can use original phrasing such as “the person who sleeps in my bed”, or “the one waiting at home for me”. I also quite like “Significant Other”.
Oh, I once met this lady who introduced me to “her man”. Later in the conversation, I referred to her partner, at which she indignantly exclaimed, “He’s not my partner! He’s my man!!
I’ve seen people use “boyf” recently, though mostly online. I tend to use “The Boyfriend” or “Boyfriend”. (As in “I’d like you to meet the boyfriend.” instead of “my boyfriend”) He uses “my girl” to his friends. I don’t see anything wrong with “my girl”, personally. There are much worse things I’ve heard used. My grandfather, for example, introduces my grandmother as “his trophy wife.” She HATES it. I’d be amused if my husband used it. (It fits in their case because she doesn’t work. I’ll be the main breadwinner in my family, so it wouldn’t be accurate.)I also knew a Psychology teacher who although he was constantly talking about his wife, he always referred to her as his “significant other”, and I only know she’s a she because he slipped once and said wife. Though he talked about his cow even more than he talked about her…if he had never slipped, I may have thought his cow was his “significant other” too.
I rather like “sugar-snail.”
I enjoy introducing people as my ‘lover’ because I haven’t had a serious enough relationship in the last 2 years to constitute any other term. Also, it lets those around me know that our main connection is sexual which makes them uncomfortable…I know, I know, I’m a sick, sick person ;DPS I might have to start saying “This is my Bitch” because its freaking hilarious!
My mom has given her own term to this “predicament”. She calls them “ummers”. So named because people sometimes stand there and say: “I’d like you to meet my umm….” As in: Susan brought her “ummer” to the wedding. I don’t know if this is a new term or if she picked it up from someone else but I’ve never heard anyone else use it…
I’m gonna put myself out there and say that I do like ’soulmate’. I wouldn’t use it in speaking to other people because it does tend to sound over-the-top, but I firmly believe that it is true. Physically, spirituality, emotionally, she is my “one”. However, we’re also art students. A little on the weird side. Boo, sweetheart, girlfriend… I find those almost offensive (especially ‘boo’… who the hell are you, Usher?) because they don’t describe the intensity and depth of a relationship that I feel. I think it’s worth more than that.
How about “my wifelike or “my husbandlike” where people are living together and are, year after year, “like” a married couple but without having had a wedding ceremony of either the church or city hall kind. Such a relationships are often intended “forever”, mine hopefully is and may very well be, but, if a decision to go separate ways comes up then that is what happens.Or why not just say “wife” or “husband” since I know of no court that will jail you for fraud just because some “authority figure” has not said “I now pronounce you man and wife”…… hey, it doesn’t even say “husband” so she can just say “my man”.
this is cool
Relationships do Not need to be labelled! All that does is doom it. Before mine had to be more clearly defined it was fine. After it was & marriage followed, it was only shortly over a year after it ended. Twelve years down the drain due to “do gooders”, religions, & family. What a great loss! Thanks for all your “help”. Keep your noses out of it, if there is ever another next time.
When we were living together and had a child my now husband introduced me as his “friend”, needless to say that went over well with me! Now he has decided I am his soul mate. I like husband or wife, my favorite is partner in crime.