Save the Earth with Dirty Towels

“Save our planet! Every day tons of detergent and millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that have been used only once. PLEASE DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. A towel on the rack means, ‘I’ll use it again.’ A towel on the floor or in the tub means, ‘please exchange.’”
—MESSAGE IN A HOTEL BATHROOM

With this letter, we welcome you to the Welton Inn, the world’s first sustainable eco-motel! At the Welton, you will be an honored guest as well as our partner in the fight against environmental degradation!

Many perceptive guests inquire about our lack of a parking lot. Every year, millions of acres of natural land are paved over to make room for cars. We are committed to fighting this. Please decide for yourself: Simply give up your car altogether, or park at the Bennigan’s across the street. (The hostess can’t see you if you park in the back.)

As you walk into the Welton, you will enter our dramatic lobby, with its environmental theme and odors. You will be delighted to encounter our “Sustaina-Kennel,” where we play temporary host to actual creatures from the native ecosystem, such as German shepherds and a lively ferret. Don’t worry, their cages are made of biodegradable plastic! And every Thursday, we allow the dogs to stretch their legs in the Bennigan’s parking lot—please join us as our guest!

Do not approach the ferret.

Kindly take our gleaming silver elevator to your floor. But wait—have you considered an aerobic walk up the stairs instead? Did you know that, for a machine to lift two people and their luggage up four floors, it requires 15 watts of energy? This is energy that otherwise might have gone toward life-support systems for children in African hospitals. Whichever option better suits your personal preference is the one we support!

Your room is fully appointed with distinctive eco-contemporary flair. Your pulse will quicken as you spy the queen-size mattress with Egyptian polyester sheets. It is the ideal oasis after a hard day’s work! And we are proud to announce that we have launched a program called Dirty Sheets for the Earth, and we invite you to participate! Every month, we waste many cups of detergent and hundreds of gallons of water in order to wash sheets that have been slept on by only 14 guests. We believe this is tragic. If you wish to join us in this crusade, simply wrap yourself in the complimentary Saran Wrap before going to bed at night.

The Saran Wrap is offered as part of our Dirty Plastic Wrap for the Earth program. Stand with us!

As you explore your room, you’ll notice the exquisite faux-plywood armoire. Inside it is a fully stocked minibar, filled with a natural harvest of tasty and exotic treats such as Skittles and Peeps, as well as more than 20 tiny bottles of Popov vodka. The minibar is a 100-percent organic appliance, by the way—just add ice to cool down your goodies! To make ice, fill your ice bucket with water and wait for winter.

But might we urge you not to drink the vodka? As you may know, thousands of potatoes are needlessly slaughtered every day, and where will it end? Please decide for yourself: Leaving a fully stocked minibar for the next guest means, “I oppose tubercide.” Passing out with 20 empty bottles of Popov vodka scattered around you means, “Please take my wallet.”

Checkout is a breeze at the Welton! As part of our commitment to preserving the rainforests, we do not print bills as a record of your stay here. Instead, simply accept our assurances that your credit card will be charged appropriately. Our word is our bond, and you can cancel the resulting adult website subscriptions at any time.

When you’re ready to depart the eco-motel, simply slide your room key under the door in the lobby marked “Private.” Then, leave your minibar Peeps for one of the dogs (please decide for yourself) and move quickly toward the exit.

Do not look at the ferret.

Thank you for being our guest—and for helping to make the world a better place for your grandchildren and ours! If you find that you’ve been towed from Bennigan’s, maybe it’s a hint that you should be reducing your carbon footprint.