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A Non-Serious Guide to the 2012 Republican Contenders
Illustrations by Sara Saedi
At this early stage in the presidential campaign, it almost doesn’t matter which candidate Republicans choose to pit against President Barack Obama. All of the leading contenders are all sworn enemies of the health-care bill, terrorism, and taxe
Michele Bachmann
Hails from: Minnesota. U.S.A. Just check her birth certificate.
Also known as: Palin Lite
What to expect: She'll root out subversive
Mitch Daniels
Hails from: Indiana
Also known as: My man!
What to expect: The base won’t like that he
Haley Barbour
Hails from: The South. The deep South.
Also known as: The Good Ol’ Boy
What to expect: More racial missteps than Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen on
Mike Huckabee
Hails from: Arkansas
Also known as: The Huck
What to expect: A good showing on daytime television. Huckabee’s
Jon Huntsman
Hails from: Utah
Also known as: The Other Mormon
What to expect: As Obama’s former ambassador to China, he’s basically a sworn enemy of Ame
Sarah Palin
Hails from: Somewhere in the vicinity of Russia
Also known as: Barracuda (just don’t try to use the soundtr
Ron Paul
Hails from: Texas
Also known as: Dr. No
What to expect: Copious use of the word “liberty” ... except when it comes to ending foreign dictatorsh
Tim Pawlenty
Hails from: Minnesota
Also known as: T-Paw
What to expect: He’s already being described as “
Mitt Romney
Hails from: The elite eastern seaboard
Also known as: The Mittster
What to expect: Delicate avoidance of the topics of health care in Massachusetts; Mor
Rick Santorum
Hails from: Backwardsville, Pennsylvania
Also known as: A Frothy Mix of Lube and Fecal Matter
What to expect:
Donald Trump
Hails from: Eponymous New York skyscrapers
Also known as: The Donald
What to expect: Catchphrases delivered in monotone, “pro-business” ven
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