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Dad’s 5-year-old daughter's hilarious answers to his questions have the internet screaming.
“Do I have to change my name if I get married? Call me Shredder.”
01.25.19
Raising kids is tough, but there’s a lot of laughs along the way.
<p>Comedy writer James Breakwell has four daughters under the age of eight and shares their hilarious conversations on Twitter. And, from Breakwell’s tweets, it looks like his five year old has a future in comedy. </p><p>Here’s a sampling of some Breakwell’s funniest kid-inspired tweets.</p><p>1.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: What did you do at school today?<br/><br/>5-year-old: Learned about dragons.<br/><br/>Me: Your class learned about dragons?<br/><br/>5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/987041887222665216?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 19, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>2.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: *stares off into space*<br/><br/>Me: What's wrong?<br/><br/>5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?<br/><br/>Me: *stares off into space, too*<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/938769510043090944?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 7, 2017</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>3.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?<br/><br/>Me: To look pretty.<br/><br/>5: But she's already pretty.<br/><br/>Me: Aww.<br/><br/>5: Dad, you should wear makeup.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/611883356658249729?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 19, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>4.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?<br/><br/>5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.<br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/978785937034502144?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 28, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>5.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars<br/><br/>Me: That’d wreck the economy<br/><br/>5: I just-<br/><br/>Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/640864482428887040?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">September 7, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>6.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.<br/><br/>Me: That could mean anything.<br/><br/>5: The dinosaur had a hat.<br/><br/>Oh shit.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/614056886455955456?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 25, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>7.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">[watching a guy on TV do CPR]<br/><br/>5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?<br/><br/>Me: He's not. He's saving her life.<br/><br/>5: I'd rather die.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/712683728280109056?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 23, 2016</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>8.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: Who ate all the cookies?<br/><br/>5-year-old: Ninjas.<br/><br/>Me: I didn’t see them.<br/><br/>5-year-old: No one ever does.<br/><br/>Checkmate.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/607305324899508224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 6, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>9.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?<br/><br/>Me: I helped<br/><br/>5: How?<br/><br/>Me:<br/><br/>5:<br/><br/>Me: I read her the instructions<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/662327471744921601?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 5, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>10.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.<br/><br/>5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.<br/><br/>I'm never sleeping again.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/719546732837761024?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 11, 2016</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>11.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: What happened on the coffee table?<br/><br/>5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. <a href="http://t.co/36hCfd1z5s">pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s</a><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/602960126459432960?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 25, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>12.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?<br/><br/>Me: Dogs are animals.<br/><br/>5: They let in boys.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/986685301987971072?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 18, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>13.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: I'm writing a book.<br/><br/>Me: What's it called?<br/><br/>5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.<br/><br/>Me: Oh.<br/><br/>5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/986249029767122944?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>14.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*<br/><br/>Me: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.<br/><br/>5: I know. They're an all-day food.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/983689193447620609?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 10, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>15.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: It snowed last night.<br/><br/>5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.<br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/983331731058184193?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 9, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>16.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: You're still in your pajamas.<br/><br/>5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.<br/><br/>Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.<br/><br/>5: Don't rush me.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/982710985134927872?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 7, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>17.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">[spring break]<br/><br/>5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?<br/><br/>Me: Monday.<br/><br/>5: *slides me a penny* When now?<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/981616974877876224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 4, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>18.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.<br/><br/>5-year-old: Not again.<br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/978627750557896709?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>19.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*<br/><br/>Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.<br/><br/>5: Then let me win.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/981520714158178305?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 4, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>20.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: Why are you being mean?<br/><br/>5-year-old: I ran out of nice.<br/><br/>It's going to be a long night.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/981263882944688129?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 3, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>21.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">[lightning strike super close to our house]<br/><br/>5-year-old: Missed me.<br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/981165154514632704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 3, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>22.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: Can we have pizza?<br/><br/>Me: We just had pizza yesterday.<br/><br/>5: The pizza doesn't know that.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/978368961040601088?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 26, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>23.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: Hurry.<br/><br/>5-year-old: I am.<br/><br/>Me: You're still in bed.<br/><br/>5: I'm sleeping faster.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/977175671679127552?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 23, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>24.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.<br/><br/>Me: They are?<br/><br/>5: I thought you went to college.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/975139451012775937?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 17, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>25.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?<br/><br/>Me: Only if you want to.<br/><br/>5: Call me Shredder.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/976228347989643266?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 20, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center> <p>His 5-year-old isn’t the only (often unintentionally) hilarious child in the house; the 7-year-old and 3-year-old turn up from time to time. There’s also a 2-year-old, but she hasn’t been the subject of many tweets yet.</p><p>26.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!<br/><br/>7-year-old: Love hurts.<br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/936990005297401856?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 2, 2017</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>27.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: What are you doing?<br/><br/>7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.<br/><br/>Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.<br/><br/>7: I know.<br/><br/>Passive aggressive level 9000.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/935589812685459456?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 28, 2017</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>28.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?<br/><br/>Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.<br/><br/>3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.<br/><br/>She'll make a great mother.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/935507363968245760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">November 28, 2017</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>29.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.<br/><br/>Me: Why?<br/><br/>7: I like being smart.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/936595445371072512?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">December 1, 2017</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>30.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">3-year-old: Mommy married you.<br/><br/>Me: Yeah.<br/><br/>3: Why?<br/><br/>Wife: Nobody knows.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/980176802474848256?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 31, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>31.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.<br/><br/>Me: You mean rugged and manly.<br/><br/>2: Purrrr.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/859582730597748740?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 3, 2017</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>32.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">4-year-old: What happens when you die?<br/><br/>Me: You go to heaven.<br/><br/>4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/517622698017828864?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 2, 2014</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>33.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">4-year-old: Why do you go to work?<br/><br/>Me: They pay me a salary.<br/><br/>4-year-old:<br/><br/>Me:<br/><br/>4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/571768230899003392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 28, 2015</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>34.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?<br/><br/>Me: If you want to.<br/><br/>3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/717328522902179840?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 5, 2016</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>35.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?<br/><br/>Me: It's Easter.<br/><br/>7: Jesus just wore robes.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/980451454363340800?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 1, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>36.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?<br/><br/>7-year-old: There's no school.<br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/979759374599155713?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 30, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>37.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?<br/><br/>Me: What should she do?<br/><br/>7: Trust me.<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/979000502468870144?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 28, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center><p>38.</p><center><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.<br/><br/>Me: Why?<br/><br/>7: Then you won't eat it.<br/><br/>She's my new diet plan.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) <a href="https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/978353229338677248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 26, 2018</a>\n</blockquote><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>\n</center>
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