Most people think they come across as helpful, engaged, and supportive in conversations. But according to one therapist, these talking habits may be sending a very different message than intended.
Jeffery, a licensed therapist on TikTok, breaks down five common conversational mistakes people make that can come across as annoying. In the post, viewers didn’t just agree with the list. They began recognizing the same behaviors in friends, family, and even themselves.
Making the conversation about yourself
People can mistake sharing personal experiences for the perfect way to show empathy and compassion. It begins innocently enough when someone opens up about something personal. Unfortunately, the listener responds with a story of their own. Both people are trying to connect, but the focus has now completely shifted.
“When someone constantly redirects conversations back to themselves, people start feeling unimportant,” Jeffery explains. “When every story somehow becomes about you, people stop feeling listened to and start feeling dismissed.”
A 2023 experiment suggested that reciprocal disclosure increases interpersonal trust. However, an imbalance in the conversation can create feelings of one-sidedness. This “stealing of the spotlight” reduces connection.

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Getting super defensive
Few things shut down a conversation faster than defensiveness. Even simple misunderstandings can turn tense when people instinctively try to correct rather than understand.
“If every single piece of feedback turns into an excuse or an argument, people eventually stop being honest with you,” Jeffery points out. “Constructive feedback and even some criticism is not always an attack. Sometimes people are simply trying to improve the relationship or communicate something important to you.”
Psychologists describe this behavior as “psychological defensiveness.” Interestingly, a 2024 study found that defensiveness can be reduced if people are warned beforehand in the right way. Conversation works best when it is framed as a collaborative effort rather than an educational or teaching moment.

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Drilling people after they apologize
There is a delicate balance between asking for clarity after an apology and turning the conversation into an interrogation.
“If someone apologizes and you accept it, but then you keep hammering them over the mistake afterward, it will become exhausting and very annoying,” Jeffery adds. “If people feel like apologizing never actually ends the conflict, they actually become less likely to take accountability in the future.”
People often mistake feedback for a personal attack on their own truth. There’s a popular statement often attributed to Marcus Aurelius claiming that much of what we perceive is shaped by interpretation rather than fact. People can share their opinions. We don’t have to defend ourselves against all of them.
Stop constantly complaining
Everyone deserves an opportunity to vent. But when every conversation circles back to frustration without change, it can become emotionally exhausting for the listener. Over time, even the most supportive friends can start to pull back.
“Talking about problems is normal,” says Jeffery. “But if almost every interaction revolves around negativity, people start associating you with emotional exhaustion. Nobody wants to leave conversations feeling drained every single time.”
This pattern of constant, dissatisfied venting has even found its way into pop culture. Maybe you remember the infamous George Costanza from the award-winning show Seinfeld. His nonstop stream of complaints was a running joke about negativity. It’s fun to watch and laugh at, but far less enjoyable to encounter in real life.

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One-upping people’s negative emotions
Sometimes, someone takes a risk and shares a particularly challenging experience. In an attempt to show empathy, saying “I get it” might land more like “that’s not a big deal.” It’s important to offer emotional validation rather than comparison.
“If someone opens up about something painful and your immediate reaction is to explain how you had it worse, it can make the other person feel completely invalidated,” Jeffery says. “They just want to feel heard and emotionally supported in that moment.”
A 2023 study revealed that someone trying to relate can sometimes redirect attention away from the original speaker. People feel more supported when their emotions are directly acknowledged instead of reframed or one-upped.

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The comments quickly turn to self-reflection
Many people said Jeffrey’s list felt immediately familiar, whether in conversations with friends or in their own behavior. These annoying habits became surprisingly relatable once someone pointed them out. Here are some of those thoughts:
“silently reposting this for one of my friends to find”
“The first one has ended relationships for me, not because I do it, but because they did it. It’s absolutely exhausting.”
“I know one of my friends are gonna tag me in this later”
“I’ve noticed over the years that my annoying personality will surface when I’m trying to protect myself..”
“I have such a hard time with #1 and I am so aware of it sometimes but I find it so difficult to not do when talking to someone.”
“I do all of these maybe I should go back to therapy”
What might be surprising is that many of these habits are things people slip into without realizing it. Jeffrey’s list doesn’t suggest people are intentionally difficult. He points out that annoying conversations can arise from good intentions, too. Allowing a person to be heard can matter more than offering advice that might fix the problem.











