Sometimes it feels like we live in a world lacking accountability. Too often the best course correction a person offers is some half-hearted apology that somehow leaves you feeling at fault. “I’m sorry you were offended.” Or maybe, “I didn’t know that would hurt your feelings.” I’m not above the behavior. Most of my life, if I wasn’t avoiding a problem, I was scooting the edges with my own careful, “My bad.” A little over ten years ago I started practicing making amends for my wrongs instead of just an apology. And it changed my life.

What’s the difference between an apology and making an amends?

So what’s the difference between an apology and an amends? Dictionary.com describes an apology as, “a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” This is a traditional ‘I’m sorry’ apology.

parents, atonement, personal accountability, restorative justice, hugs, connection, mental health, Biblical restitution
Father and son hug. Image via Canva – Photo by seb_ra

An amends goes a little deeper. “What can I do, to make this right?” There is a practice in 12-step recovery programs that involves making amends. The system and structure of the amends is very helpful. It is not necessary to be a part of a 12-step program to start making amends. Amends are not just saying sorry. They involve restoring what was broken by making restitution whenever possible. There are financial amends which involve paying money back. There are emotional amends which involve admitting wrongs and listening to those we harm. There are living amends when unable to contact the person. A key component isn’t just acknowledging what happened. It’s determining to behave differently going forward.

Historical Context

Many religions incorporate some form of amends into their philosophies on how to approach a healthy life. Christianity teaches repentance, confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restitution. Judaism practices Yom Kippur, the day of atonement where people seek forgiveness, repentance, and confess their sins. Buddhism speaks of Karma and right action, mindfulness. There is a practice of The Four Opponent Powers which are power of dependence, the power of regret, the power of the remedy, and the power of resolve.

Native and indigenous religions often practiced public apologies that incorporated ceremonial acts designed to restore peace. They aren’t just publicly saying sorry. They are attempting to restore trust and foster change through positive actions.

An amends is not a blanket apology. It is not an attempt to clear your own conscious. It is not a confession that will cause harm. They take courage, humility and offer a platform to cultivate real healing often for both people involved. However, there is no guarantees and it’s actually not the goal. Forgiveness is great, but may not happen.

In a reddit post titled, When did you start feeling relief after making amends? the comments are quite encouraging.

“Immediately, But it was more about the fact I could follow through with something so Intimidating that I thought I could never do it.”

“Most of my amends ranged from ho hum to painful rejection. But my sisters reaction actually brought tear to my eyes and made me grateful that I had pushed through the process.”

“Don’t forget to forgive yourself, both for the harm you caused others and the harm you caused yourself.”

“I had a Beautiful experience while making my amends!”

Here is a video from FOX 2 Detroit news interviewing Dr. Sabrina Jackson, an author, life coach, and practicing therapist who talks about the benefits of making amends.


I must admit the difference and change from making apologies to making amends was simply, scary. I had never practiced it. Standing in front of someone I had wronged or felt wronged by was intimidating. I had a community of people to seek guidance from and a close, personal, spiritual adviser to help me. I was well prepared. Over time it’s become a simple practice. Yes, sometimes I may get scared or hesitant. But, I have a wealth of experience now at practicing amends. I can reflect upon past interactions and be encouraged.

Here’s a list of things I’ve gained in the process of making amends:

  • Self Esteem – Being able to stand in front of someone and own my behavior and actions is a mind blowing confidence booster. It’s not just feeling better. It’s acting better.
  • Freedom from Guilt and Shame – This is not freedom from regret. Regret is healthy. It shows I want to be better and do better. Making amends helps break that cycle of self-loathing and avoidance.
  • Peace of Mind – Often avoiding amends means secrets and hiding of the truth. That’s a huge emotional weight that can be lifted and in most cases has been.
  • Humility – Acknowledging my flaws and offering a sincere attempt to correct them is a spiritual action. My experience is that humbling myself actually makes me feel stronger. I’m owning my behavior which takes courage.
  • Trust – My friends and family believe me and trust me because I act in a way that honors it and them. If I do wrong, I have the courage to admit it. I am accountable which is a much wanted self-esteem booster.
  • Improved Relationships – I’m able to empathize and connect on a much deeper level with the people I know, and the new people I meet. I feel strong and practice much healthier and more positive behaviors, because that’s part of making amends.

The world can benefit from some strong accountability. Too often we find ourselves overly invested in what other people are doing and how they need to be behaving better. The clear and simple truth is no matter how much we want them to change, our best course of action is demonstration. History carries the message of people that have shown up to life honest, whole, compassionate, and with a concerted effort to lead by example.

You might think that the greatest change for myself, based on the behavior and willingness to make amends, has been the way people approach me. My experience has been the greatest change is in how I approach them. I’m no longer wrapped up in what they did or are doing. Focusing on my own behavior gives me strength and empathy for the people that come into my life. I’m a stronger and more confident person who has learned from the mistakes he’s made. I’ve gained wisdom from doing what I can, to make those things right again.

  • America’s friendliest states
    Photo credit: New Africa // ShutterstockA young couple talking to a friendly elderly neighbor.
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    America’s friendliest states

    Mountain West states lead the nation in community connection.

    The ways in which Americans connect vary widely by state. A range of factors contribute to a place’s overall character, but the time residents spend socializing, volunteering and helping people outside their own homes can shape how friendly it feels.

    SmartAsset analyzed the 50 states by the number of minutes per day residents spend on these three “friendly activities,” using time and action as measures of how communities connect. The results offer a behavioral snapshot of where residents spend the most time engaging with others in their communities.

    Key Findings

    • The Mountain West leads the rankings. Montana (No. 1), Utah (No. 2), and Wyoming (No. 3) took the top spots in the study, with residents of Montana averaging a nation-leading 95 minutes per day socializing, volunteering and helping others.
    • Mountaineers are the most likely to help others. Although West Virginia ranked No. 24 overall, its residents spent more time than any others providing unpaid help to people outside their own homes, about 30 minutes per day.
    • Rankings challenge some stereotypes. Despite its reputation for “Minnesota Nice,” Minnesota ranked No. 11, just outside the top 10. Washington, home to Seattle and its “Seattle Freeze” reputation, ranked No. 10.
    • Three Northeast states in the top 20. Although residents of Northeastern states are not always seen as especially warm by outsiders, three states in the region made the top 20: Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Maryland.
    Table listing the top 20 friendliest states in America.

    The 20 Friendliest States

    1. Montana
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 43.36
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 35.62
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 15.89
    1. Utah
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 38.24
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 32.46
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 20.95
    1. Wyoming
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 35.57
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 40.49
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 7.07
    1. Oregon
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 53.74
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 14.85
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 12.36
    1. Illinois
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 32.37
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 14.12
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 28.43
    1. Rhode Island
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 52.15
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 5.33
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 17.35
    1. Nebraska
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 39.3
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 11.08
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 24.06
    1. North Dakota
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 35.5
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 24.61
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 12.88
    1. Missouri
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 43.44
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 16.05
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 11.86
    1. Washington
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 30.59
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 24.04
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 14.92
    1. Minnesota
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 30.33
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 11.75
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 25.18
    1. Massachusetts
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 35.38
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 9.63
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 20.91
    1. Wisconsin
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 36.51
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 8.46
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 20.86
    1. Colorado
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 27.08
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 16.82
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 20.31
    1. Maryland
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 26.05
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 25.72
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 12.39
    1. Michigan
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 38.9
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 11.21
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 12.98
    1. Tennessee
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 33.82
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 9.45
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 19.53
    1. South Dakota
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 41.61
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 0.21
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 20.61
    1. Hawaii
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 26.3
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 14.84
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 20.98
    1. Virginia
    • Average Minutes Spent Socializing (daily): 38.96
    • Average Minutes Spent Volunteering (daily): 10.92
    • Average Minutes Spent Helping Others (daily): 11.97

    Methodology

    This study uses data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ American Time Use Survey, extracted from IPUMS, over the most recent available four-year period. For each state, SmartAsset calculated the average daily minutes residents spent socializing, volunteering, and helping people outside the household. Those three measures were then equally weighted and summed to produce a total time value used to rank the states. Source data providers are not affiliated with, and do not endorse or sponsor, this study or its findings.

    Citation: Sarah M. Flood, Liana C. Sayer, Daniel Backman and Annie Chen. American Time Use Survey Data Extract Builder: Version 3.3 dataset. College Park, MD: University of Maryland and Minneapolis, MN: IPUMS, 2025. https://doi.org/10.18128/D060.V3.3

    This story was produced by SmartAsset and reviewed and distributed by Stacker.

  • Who owns the beach? It depends on state law and tide lines
    Photo credit: Normanack/Flickr, CC BYIf you want to stroll the shoreline, know your rights.
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    Who owns the beach? It depends on state law and tide lines

    Public access shifts with tides and state law.

    As Americans flock to beaches this summer, their toes are sinking into some of the most hotly contested real estate in the United States.

    It wasn’t always this way. Through the mid-20th century, when the U.S. population was smaller and the coast was still something of a frontier in many states, laissez-faire and absentee coastal landowners tolerated people crossing their beachfront property. Now, however, the coast has filled up. Property owners are much more inclined to seek to exclude an ever-growing population of beachgoers seeking access to less and less beach.

    On most U.S. shorelines, the public has a time-honored right to “lateral” access. This means that people can move down the beach along the wet sand between high and low tide – a zone that usually is publicly owned. Waterfront property owners’ control typically stops at the high tide line or, in a very few cases, the low tide line.

    But as climate change raises sea levels, property owners are trying to harden their shorelines with sea walls and other types of armoring, squeezing the sandy beach and the public into a shrinking and diminished space.

    As director of the Conservation Clinic at the University of Florida College of Law and the Florida Sea Grant Legal Program, and as someone who grew up with sand between my toes, I have studied beach law and policy for most of my career. In my view, the collision between rising seas and coastal development – known as “coastal squeeze” – now represents an existential threat to beaches, and to the public’s ability to reach them.

    The beach as a public trust

    Beachfront property law has evolved from ideas that date back to ancient Rome. Romans regarded the beach as “public dominion,” captured in an oft-cited quote from Roman law: “By the law of nature these things are common to all mankind; the air, running water, the sea and consequently the shores of the sea.”

    Judges in medieval England evolved this idea into the legal theory known as the “public trust doctrine” – the idea that certain resources should be preserved for all to use. The U.S. inherited this concept.

    Most states place the boundary between public and private property at the mean high tide line, an average tide over an astronomical epoch of 19 years. This means that at some point in the daily tidal cycle there is usually a public beach to walk along, albeit a wet and sometimes narrow one. In states such as Maine that set the boundary at mean low tide, you have to be willing to wade.

    Sign directs beachgoers to walk along the water's edge.
    A sign marks the demarcation between public beach and private property in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. AP Photo/Brendan Farrington

    Everybody in!

    Early beach access laws in coastal states were largely designed to ensure that workaday activities such as fishing and gathering seaweed for fertilizer could occur, regardless of who owned the beach frontage. Increasingly, however, public recreation became the main use of beaches, and state laws evolved to recognize this shift.

    For example, in 1984 the New Jersey Supreme Court extended the reach of the Public Trust Doctrine beyond the tide line to include recreational use of the dry sandy beach. In a pioneering move, Texas codified its common law in 1959 by enacting the Open Beaches Act, which provides that the sandy beach up to the line of vegetation is subject to an easement in favor of the public.

    Moreover, Texas allows this easement to “roll” as the shoreline migrates inland, which is increasingly likely in an era of rising seas. Recent litigation and amendments to the act have somewhat modified its application, but the basic principle of public rights in privately owned dry sand beach still applies.

    Most states that give the public dry sand access on otherwise private property do so under a legal principle known as customary use rights. These rights evolved in feudal England to grant landless villagers access to the lord of the manor’s lands for civic activities that had been conducted since “time immemorial,” such as ritual maypole dancing.

    Oregon’s Supreme Court led the way in judicially applying customary use rights to beaches in 1969, declaring all the state’s dry sand beaches open to the public. Florida followed suit in 1974, but its Supreme Court decision has since been interpreted to apply on a parcel-by-parcel basis.

    Like Texas, North CarolinaHawaii and the U.S. Virgin Islands all have enacted legislation that recognizes customary use of the sandy beach, and courts have upheld the laws.

    Sand wars in Florida

    Florida has more sandy beaches than any other state, a year-round climate to enjoy them, and a seemingly unbounded appetite for growth, all of which makes beach access a chronic flashpoint.

    Along Florida’s Panhandle, pitched battles have erupted since 2016, with beachfront property owners and private resorts asserting their private property rights over the dry sandy beach and calling sheriffs to evict locals. When beachgoers responded by asserting their customary use rights, Walton County – no liberal bastion – backed them up, passing the local equivalent of a customary use law.

    Florida’s Legislature stepped in and took away the local right to pass customary use laws, except according to a complicated legal process that only a few local governments have initiated. Critics argue that the law has made it harder for communities to establish lateral public access to beaches and has done little to resolve the ongoing disputes.

    What about just adding sand?

    Erosion is both an enemy and a potential savior of beach access. As rising seas erode beaches, pressure to harden shorelines grows. But armoring shorelines may actually increase erosion by interfering with the natural sand supply. Adding more sea walls thus makes it increasingly likely that in many developed areas the dry sand beach will all but disappear. And what once was the public wet sand beach – the area between mean high and low tide – will become two horizontal lines on a vertical sea wall.

    House fronted by sea wall extending into the ocean.
    The sea wall around this Florida Panhandle beach house blocks public movement along the shore. Thomas Ankersen, CC BY-ND

    One alternative is adding more sand. Congress authorizes and funds the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to restore beaches with sand pumped from offshore or trucked from ancient inland dunes. States must typically match these funds, and beachfront property owners occasionally collectively pitch in.

    But federal regulations require communities that receive these funds to ensure there is adequate access to nourished beaches from the street, including parking. And new beaches built from submerged shorelines must be maintained for public access until rising seas submerge them again.

    This requirement, along with more arcane property rights issues, led landowners in Florida’s Walton County to fight a beach nourishment project that would have protected their property from erosion. They took the case to the U.S. Supreme Court and lost.

    Beach nourishment, too, is a temporary solution. Good-quality, readily accessible offshore sand supplies are already depleted in some areas. And accelerating sea level rise may outpace readily available sand at some point in the future. Squeezed between condos and coral reefs, South Florida beaches are especially at risk, leading to some desperate proposals – including the idea of grinding up glass to create beach sand.

    This article originally appeared on The Conversation. You can read it here.

  • Why fatherhood matters more than ever before
    Photo credit: Xavier Desmier/Gamma-Rapho via Getty ImagesIn much of the industrialized world, daily life is increasingly organized around the nuclear family.

    Long gone are the days of the distant dad.

    According to some estimates, the average time dads spend caring for their kids each day has quadrupled over the past 50 years. Their attitudes about parenting are also changing. Today, men are about as likely as mothers to say parenting is a key source of meaning and a central priority in their lives. Roughly 85% of fathers identify parenthood as one of the most important aspects of their identity.

    As a parenting researcher who focuses on fathers, I’m pleased to see that dads are so invested in their kids. It correlates with better outcomes for kids, and it reduces pressure on moms.

    But there’s a less encouraging trend tucked into these gains. More is being asked of dads – and moms, for that matter – because the extended family and community networks that once supported childrearing have shrunk or deteriorated.

    Parenting alone

    In researching my new book, “Dad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How it Shapes Men’s Lives,” I talked to an anthropologist named Barry Hewlett, who has spent his career studying hunter-gatherer fathers.

    One society he studies, the Aka Pygmies of the Central Congo, have been called “the best fathers in the world” for their dedication to childcare. Aka men are frequently observed within arms reach of their infants and take a lead role in raising them. Children are seen as central to men’s lives.

    However, if you compare the time Aka dads spent on childcare with recent data on American parents, as parenting writer Tomo Kumaki recently did, you might be surprised.

    According to 2024 American Time Use Survey data – considered the gold standard of evidence on how Americans are spending their time – American dads of infants are devoting about 125 minutes a day to what’s called “primary child care,” in which their main activity is tending to the child. They’re spending another 394 minutes on what’s known as “secondary child care,” which involves watching a child while doing something else, such as cooking dinner or straightening up the house.

    In contrast, according to Hewlett’s research from the field, Aka fathers of infants spend about 57 minutes a day on primary and 96 minutes a day on secondary childcare.

    The minutes American dads relayed should be taken with a grain of salt; it’s a stretch to compare an anthropologist’s direct observations with self-reported time diary data, which can often be subject to bias. Still, it’s striking to see how – based on these calculations, at least – today’s new dads are devoting far more time to parenting than a society described as having the best dads in the world.

    Children sit on the ground in various poses. Some cook and help with food prep. A man in a red shirt stands with his arms folded, watching.
    Among the Aka people, who are indigenous, nomadic hunter-gatherers native to Central Africa, men take a lead role in raising their children. Andia/Universal Images Group via Getty Images

    When I spoke with him about how fatherhood has changed, Hewlett told me he thinks the role of fathers has taken on more importance today than ever before – not just because mothers are more likely to have jobs outside the home, but because there are simply fewer childcare helpers around.

    When you’re surrounded by your kin and neighbors in a communal setting like the Aka, it’s easy to get assistance with kids. Fathers care for children, but so do lots of other people.

    A 2021 study of another hunter-gatherer society, the Agta, which lives in the mountains of the Philippines, found that fathers provided only about 7% of child care. Mothers, however, provided only about 25%. The rest came from siblings, grandparents, extended family, peers and other community members, who all pitch in.

    A class divide

    In much of the industrialized world, daily life is organized around the nuclear family, with relatives and neighbors playing a less central role than they once did.

    Today’s fathers contribute more to childcare than even the most hands-on hunter-gatherer dad, because there’s simply less of a village to support shared care.

    Even as men are being asked to take on a bigger role in childcare, it’s become harder for some men to do so. That’s because – in the U.S., at least – the time men are able to spend on childcare has become increasingly stratified by class.

    Journalists Derek Thompson and Aziz Sunderji analyzed multiple waves of U.S. data collected by the Multinational Time Use Study and were able to show that the significant rise in the time dads spend parenting over the past 60 years has primarily been driven by college-educated fathers.

    When the Multinational Time Use Study started in the 1960s, fathers with a college degree were devoting only a few extra minutes per day to childcare compared with noncollege-educated dads. But the gap has quintupled over that time span, such that college-educated dads are now spending 46 more minutes with their kids each day compared with noncollege-educated dads.

    So why the growing divide? In part, it’s because benefits such as universal paid paternity leave and stable, flexible work options are available only to dads with good jobs.

    Only about half of U.S. fathers take any paid paternity leave following the birth of a new baby, because many employers don’t offer it. In theory, most dads who can’t access paid leave should be eligible for unpaid leave through the 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act. However, since that legislation doesn’t apply to small businesses or many part-time or gig work situations, about 44% of workers are ineligible for it. Low-wage dads are also often reluctant to take leave because they can’t afford to lose income.

    The rise of what sociologists call intensive parenting among the most educated, affluent parents also helps account for some of the class divide in parenting time. As the wealth gap between the richest and poorest Americans has widened over the past 60 years, many parents have been eager to optimize their children’s success. Devoting extra time to children, including monitoring their schoolwork and enrolling them in enrichment activities that require time and money, has become one way for parents with privilege to give their children a leg up.

    In my view, hands-on parenting should not be a luxury good. Americans should be fighting for policies that empower all dads, no matter their income, to enjoy time with their children. The village could use some rehabilitation, too, since parents fare best when they have access to community support and stronger connections with their neighbors, friends and family.

    This article originally appeared on The Conversation. You can read it here.

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