At this early stage in the presidential campaign, it almost doesn’t matter which candidate Republicans choose to pit against President Barack Obama. All of the leading contenders are all sworn enemies of the health-care bill, terrorism, and taxes. (All equal threats, of course.) Since their basic talking points are pretty darn similar, we took a look at who's most likely to keep us entertained—and how.
 

Michele Bachmann

Hails from: Minnesota. U.S.A. Just check her birth certificate.
Also known as: Palin Lite
What to expect: She'll root out subversive anti-American Americans. Maybe with the use of a list or some hearings.
Will inspire: A million highlight (lowlight?) reels.
Suggested slogan: “Tea Party in the U.S.A.”
Entertainment Value: 9/10
 

Mitch Daniels

Hails from: Indiana
Also known as: My man!
What to expect: The base won’t like that he called off the union busters to avert a Wisconsin-style standoff. It will like that he rides a Harley.
Will inspire: All sorts of ridiculous comparisons from conservative pundits who want to convince the base to get inspired by him. George Will has tried to dub him “the thinking man's Marlon Brando.” Whatever that means.
Suggested slogan: “Hoosier daddy?”
Entertainment Value: 2/10

Haley Barbour

Hails from: The South. The deep South.
Also known as: The Good Ol’ Boy
What to expect: More racial missteps than Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen on a talk show together.
Will inspire: A debate over whether Southern voters still matter; whether America has gotten “too P.C.”
Suggested slogan: “Who’s the Boss (Hogg)?”
Entertainment Value: 7/10

Mike Huckabee

Hails from: Arkansas
Also known as: The Huck
What to expect: A good showing on daytime television. Huckabee’s 4-string jam sessions and weight-loss tips are made for chat shows.
Will inspire: A discussion of whether America is truly over the Atkins diet. Can this country really elect a man who is against eating carbs?
Suggested slogan: “Huck You!”—to the tune of Cee-Lo’s hit.
Entertainment Value: 5/10

Jon Huntsman

Hails from: Utah
Also known as: The Other Mormon
What to expect: As Obama’s former ambassador to China, he’s basically a sworn enemy of America, right? Fat chance GOP voters will go for that.
Will inspire: The same old arguments for why centrism can win elections, blah blah blah. Tell that to Karl Rove.
Suggested slogan: “Under the Banner of Huntsman”
Entertainment Value: 3/10

Newt Gingrich

Hails from: Georgia
Also known as: The Perennial
What to expect: Creative use of stock photography, ridiculous website names
Will inspire: More '90s revival! Grunge, government shutdowns, “whatever”: this decade is sooo back, and Newt is just the adulterous politician to capitalize on it—with a post-'90s, anti-Muslim twist.
Suggested slogan: “If you haven't seen it, it's Newt to you."
Entertainment Value: 5/10

Sarah Palin

Hails from: Somewhere in the vicinity of Russia
Also known as: Barracuda (just don’t try to use the soundtrack)
What to expect: Total three-ring circus.
Will inspire: Calls for Tina Fey to return to Saturday Night Live.
Suggested slogan: “On the rogue again”
Entertainment Value: 10/10

Ron Paul

Hails from: Texas
Also known as: Dr. No
What to expect: Copious use of the word “liberty” ... except when it comes to ending foreign dictatorships and protecting women’s rights.
Will inspire: Hilarious fan art.
Suggested slogan: “Because Ayn Rand can't run.”
Entertainment Value: 6/10
 

Tim Pawlenty

Hails from: Minnesota
Also known as: T-Paw
What to expect: He’s already being described as “restrained,” but the nickname totally proves Pawlenty’s not a boring Midwestern governor. T-Paw—get it? Like T-Pain? He’s cool!
Will inspire: A scintillating pre-caucus debate about the differences between Iowa and Minnesota; use of the phrase “charisma deficit.”
Suggested slogan: “I'm on a ballot.”
Entertainment Value: 1/10

Mitt Romney

Hails from: The elite eastern seaboard
Also known as: The Mittster
What to expect: Delicate avoidance of the topics of health care in Massachusetts; Mormonism
Will inspire: A national discussion of health care in Massachusetts; Mormonism.
Suggested slogan: “Aquafresh for America.”
Entertainment Value: 3/10

Rick Santorum

Hails from: Backwardsville, Pennsylvania
Also known as: A Frothy Mix of Lube and Fecal Matter
What to expect: Inflammatory, holy rollin’ quotes on everything from working mothers (against!) to foreign wars (all for ‘em!—how else will we keep the “Eye of Mordor” at bay?).
Will inspire: Young voters—yes, even Republicans—to reiterate that they actually like gay people; more search-engine activism
Suggested slogan: “Let White, Heterosexual America Be America Again”
Entertainment Value: 8/10

Donald Trump

Hails from: Eponymous New York skyscrapers
Also known as: The Donald
What to expect: Catchphrases delivered in monotone, “pro-business” veneer, dental veneers.
Will inspire: Commentary on the increasing similarity of the politics and entertainment industries. If today it’s Trump, by 2016 we’ll be looking at a Snooki/JWoww ticket.
Suggested slogan: “Obama, you’re fired!” Duh.
Entertainment Value: 9/10