Working is hard enough on its own. Deadlines, quotas, group projects, assignments, making that delivery on time, cooking a meal to perfection, and so much more can be on your shoulders depending on what you do for a living. No one needs a boss who makes your job more difficult or, worse, toxic. Many great workers are taken advantage of due to mistaking the need to improve their work ethic with being in a toxic work environment. Luckily, a career strategist knows what a toxic boss is (and isn’t), and what they say that should clue you in on whether or not you should tough it out or move on.
Jennifer Brick, a former corporate climber turned career coach, shared the three sentences that only a toxic boss says.
“It’s just the way that they are.”
If you go to your boss about a difficult or problematic coworker and they respond by saying, “It’s just the way that they are,” instead of trying to find a solution for all parties involved, that’s a red flag. Instead of reassuring you and connecting with the difficult teammate, they are showing they aren’t capable of properly leading their team or don’t care to. This response makes it clear they’re relying on you to suck it up and tolerate the problem or fix it yourself, which are both bad options for a number of reasons.
“I thought you were a team player.”
You might have heard this one when you were asked to perform a duty outside of your job description, told to cancel your vacation to cover a shift, or asked to work extra hours. There may be the rare moment or two when you don’t mind sacrificing your time for the team due to an emergency or a big push, but the “team player” comment is most often said by a toxic boss trying to manipulate or guilt-trip you into work beyond your legal or contractual obligations.
“We are a family.”
Nope. Run if you hear this from your boss. Unless it is referring to your actual blood relatives or friends that you choose to call your kin, the word “family” doesn’t apply to anything else. There are two kinds of people who call non-relatives “family”: toxic bosses and cult leaders. Neither one of them has your best interests in mind. Actual families don’t have the ability to lay you off, either.
If you find yourself working for a toxic boss who says any or all of those sentences, do your best to detach yourself from your work during off-hours. You can find ways to power through by exercising, meditating, or having a refreshment to “detox” after each work day while you plan, update your resume, and develop additional skills for your next job search.
What does a good boss sound like?
But how do you know when you’ve found a good boss who is worth sticking around for when the job gets tough? When might it be worth powering through? Business consultant Robert H. Johnson Jr. reached out to GOOD to provide three green flag sentences bosses say:
“It’s my responsibility as your leader to highlight your strengths, and to coach and develop your gaps.”
Johnson has a point there. Many effective leaders choose to coach their employees rather than command them. It makes it clear what your objectives are and creates a relationship in which both you and your boss know what tasks you should be allowed to thrive in and which ones might need extra attention.
“What feedback do you have for me?”
Johnson says that this is “a simple question that many leaders can ask to create a culture of psychological safety.” In a job you care about, you’d like to know what’s working and fix what doesn’t, right? A good boss wants the same. If they are asking this question, you know that you share what’s working for you and can collaborate on a plan for things that aren’t. Having consistent feedback can only help the working relationship.
“Let’s collaborate on a plan to improve your performance, build your confidence, and ensure your success.”
Collaboration on a performance plan with your boss clearly lays out all the stakes and expectations for both you and your employer. There are no tricks, boundaries are made, and goal posts are firmly set in place. Hearing your boss say this indicates not just transparent expectations, but reassures you that your success is your boss’ success, too.
“True leaders seek to understand the people they lead,” concluded Johnson. “They’re curious about their hopes, ambitions and aspirations.”
