We’ve all wanted to make a good impression, whether it’s a job interview, meeting your partner’s family, meeting your roommate’s friends, or some other situation. Putting your best foot forward can make a person nervous, and that’s natural. Usually, things go well and conversation is good, but then you go to your car and look in the rear view mirror to find a mustard stain on your shirt collar. Or you see some spinach caught in your teeth. Or you look back at the dinner conversation and realize that when the waiter said, “Enjoy your meal” you responded with, “You, too!” God, how embarrassing. They had to have noticed. They must think you’re a slob. They must think you’re stupid. What do they think of you?
Psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists have the answer: nothing. They’re not thinking about you at all. While at first that may sound harsh, it’s actually quite liberating. In fact, knowing that can help boost your confidence.
All of those situations are examples of what’s called the Spotlight Effect. In short, the spotlight effect is the gross overestimation of people noticing or judging you and/or how long they remember it. This can apply both positively and negatively. The same people who didn’t notice or remember the mustard stain on your shirt are the same number of people who don’t remember that home run you scored in that Little League game. Frankly, they’re not watching you, at least not in way you think they are.
It’s not that those things don’t matter, but they don’t matter as much to other people as they are more concerned with themselves. While you’re worrying about the mustard stain on your shirt collar during dinner, the other dinner attendees are busy conversing, eating, and focusing on the things that impact them. In fact, it’s likely that while you’re worried about that small mustard stain, someone else at the table doesn’t notice because they’re worried about whether they remembered to wear deodorant.
This happens in all of us because we all carry egocentric bias, meaning that we all inflate our own importance because our experiences are colored by our personal perspective. I am the center of my universe and you are the center of yours, so when something happens to us we think it’s more important than what the reality is. So that mustard on your shirt collar? Don’t worry about it. It’s likely not many people noticed, or if they did, they moved on and don’t remember. Knowing this can allow you to just relax, be more confident, and not worry too much whenever you make a mistake or feel embarrassed
However, there are some people in which the spotlight effect happens so powerfully that it causes excessive worry, stress, and strife. It’s not necessarily due to having a giant ego, but likely because they’re suffering from anxiety, depression, or worry. It gets to the point that they avoid social situations because of it. Fortunately, professionals have some tips to help such individuals cope.
“One way to ease this is to reconnect the body to the present moment. Try gently pressing your feet into the floor or naming five things you can see outside of yourself that are neutral or pleasant,” licensed therapist Chloë Bean tells GOOD. “We can orient to our surroundings when we feel safe, and when we orient to our surroundings slowly, we can also create that safety and inner calm.”
In her professional opinion, Bean believes that a person who is panicked due to the spotlight effect can take their minds off the hypothetical by engaging with reality through acknowledging the actual, and often neutral, environment around them.
“In short: shifting from “Am I being judged?” to “Can I connect with support right now?” (i.e. where is my body contacting the earth/floor? What can I hear or see that is neutral or grounding?) is often enough to reduce the spotlight effect and bring relief,” she says.
Psychotherapist Dana Colthart offers another method to offset the spotlight effect for her anxiety patients. Her recommendation to reduce anxiety is actually acknowledging it.
“I would recommend using ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). First, label the experience of having the ‘spotlight’ on you: ‘My brain is telling me that everyone is watching me right now, it may or may not be true!’ This creates distance between you and the thought,” she explains to GOOD. “Instead of pushing the anxiety away, invite it in and let it be there. Let it come and go. Accepting anxiety, paradoxically, reduces anxiety’s intensity and often makes it pass.”
The next time you head out to a social event, do prepare and set yourself up for a good impression but don’t fret about it if you fall short of your own expectations. It’s likely that the only person who cares about it is you.
