1. Opposable thumbs
Behold the humble thumb, tacked on to the end of your hand like an afterthought. You may not realize how much you need that stubby meat tube but it’s exactly the thing that divides us from our greatest enemies: new world monkeys.
2. No More Black Death
The Black Death almost took out the entire human race, which might’ve been great for the environment, but terrible for you and me, greedy bipedal rodents of the earth that we are.
3. Nickelback
Few things unite us as strongly as our mutual distaste for this self-serious Canadian rock band. Should the growling, buttrock renditions of Chad Kroeger and his band of cheesy hacks irritate your eardrums this year, proudly count yourself among the community of millions of anti-fans.
4. Hangnails
Hangnails are awful. But plodding through the everyday drudgery of a 9-to-5 workday can make you complacent, and a mildly painful hangnail is a throbbing reminder of our fragile humanity.
5. Books (while they still exist)
You ungrateful assholes put the humble neighborhood bookstore out of business with your careless disregard for the printed word. Enjoy the cold, unrelenting glare of your Amazon Kindle as the human race continues its steady march towards extinction.
6. All the times Gmail was down
What some may term a “Protestant work ethic” others may call a fucking insane amount of loyalty to a job. Sometimes it takes the Google servers failing for an hour or two to realize that it’s totally fine you didn’t answer your boss’s email within 10 minutes of when it was sent.
7. Balaclavas
An underappreciated fashion accessory useful for those days you feel incapable of facing the world—which for some of us is every day.
8. Pharrell
For showing us eternal life is possible.
9. A simple goddamn cup of coffee
When did it get so expensive to get caffeinated? Even a humble drip coffee at a trendy local cafe can set you back five bucks, which is five dollars less you can spend on sleeping pills and other useful drugs. But you don’t need a beard and a flannel apron to brew a basic cup of Folger’s.
10. Millennials
Your millennial-bashing makes you sound like an old codger. One day, drones will be dropping pizzas at your doorstep and you’ll be able to teleport to the bathroom during Super Bowl commercial breaks, and you’ll have some irresponsible, narcissistic millennial to thank for it.
