Blake Shelton was named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” and the people are pissed. The problem? A lot of folks, apparently, don’t find Shelton terribly attractive.
That’s both OK and a little unfair to the good people at People. Some people like a gravelly voice, a little bit of stubble, and some hair gel. Others prefer that their Sexiest Man Alive not look like the love child of James Lipton and a muddy tire.
Human attraction is a deep, metaphysical mystery, and to each his own. If the artist responsible for “Hillbilly Bone” is the peak living male physical specimen in People’s book, more power to them.
But sexiness? That’s the totality of a person. And the totality of Blake Shelton is … a little fuzzy, considering his history of homophobic, xenophobic, and Islamophobic public comments.
Looks are one thing. But when you consider words too, it’s clear there were indeed some better choices out there. They’re all over the place, in fact. Here are just a few of them.
1. Ryan Gosling
Let’s get the obvious one out of the way first. Ryan Gosling is obviously an extremely sexy man. Sexier than Blake Shelton? Is water more refreshing than motor oil? Who can say? The point is, Gosling has never publicly accused a strange Muslim man of being a terrorist on Twitter. Blake Shelton has. Minus 1,000 sexy points to Shelton.
2. Chiwetel Ejiofor
In addition to his roguish smile, his rock-hard jawline, and all-around good looks, Ejiofor is a titan of stage and screen, having been nominated for an Academy Award for his richly nuanced portrayal of Solomon Northup in “10 Years a Slave.”
Blake Shelton once wrote the following sentence: “Question for my gay followers. Are Skittles y’all’s favorite candy?”
Edge: Ejiofor.
3. Forest Whitaker
While Whitaker is a few years past the median age for the honor, he has never taken to Twitter to remind his ex she’s a “fat, ugly bitch” 14 years after their breakup, a real thing Blake Shelton did in 2009. Not doing that is super sexy.
Whitaker: 1. Shelton: 0.
4. Jan Egeland
While not a traditional candidate for the honor, the Norwegian politician helped negotiate the 1993 Oslo I peace accord between Israel and the PLO and is one of the world’s leading experts in delivering relief to displaced people around the globe. Unlike Shelton, he has not tweeted that you can tell who is gay based on what drink they order at Starbucks.
5. Your coworker, probably a guy named Brett or something
Brett is deputy VP of sales at the company where you work. He’s a little dismissive and kind of a mansplainer, but he’s reasonably cute and also would never yell at an airport shuttle bus driver for not being able to speak a “FUCKING word of English.” (Shelton, at a minimum, really, really wanted to do this once.)
6. Brett’s assistant Craig
Craig isn’t the most conventionally attractive man in the world. He’s not even the most conventionally attractive man in the office (hey, Brett). But he’s also never insinuated that all gay men are turned on by cucumbers as Shelton once did.
7. A piñata
Cons: Shaped like a donkey and made of cardboard and feathers.
Pros: Never casually outed Richard Simmons on Twitter in service of the world’s most tired joke. Which is a thing that People Magazine’s 2017 Sexiest Man Alive Blake Shelton actually did. For real.
8. A thumbs-down with a frowny face drawn on it
It’s safe to assume that this thumb doesn’t think much of Donald Trump, who Shelton once called a great guy who “says what he thinks.” You wouldn’t take this thumb out on a date but nor would you take it out on a date only to start searching your handbag for a smoke bomb 30 seconds in.
9. This rock
This rock is round and cold and doesn’t have a face, but it also never threatened to beat any man who hit on it to a pulp. Shelton seriously went there once.
Cold, dead rock for Sexiest Man Alive 2017!
