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During Dave Chappelle’s brief but brilliant eponymous comedy show, he executed innumerable brilliant sketches, but one of the best was the “Racial Draft.”
Chappelle’s character was the lead announcer in the draft, and told viewers at home, “Folks, this is for all the marbles. What happens here will state the racial standing of these Americans once and for all.”
The Racial Draft posited that mixed race people needed to be claimed by one faction of their genetic makeup. So we thought, why not make our own draft? (Except one that doesn’t have anything to do with who belongs to what race because wow that would be a dumb thing to do.)
With the recent Brexit fallout, we’re kind feeling like a lot of our brothers and sisters in the U.K.—our parent country—might be experiencing their own version of “I’m moving to Canada” right now. And there are a few Brits we’d be happy to draft onto the team Stateside.
Here are the ones we would happily call our own.
Idris Elba
Profession: Actor
Why? Why do you need to even ask?
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Tom Hardy
Profession: Actor
Why? See above.
Ian McKellan and Sir Patrick Stewart
Profession: Actors
Why? This package deal comes with two of the best best friends in the entire world. They are more than nation treasures, they are global treasures, and we have come to claim them.
Jane Goodall
Profession: Primatologist, Ethologist, Anthropologist, and UN Messenger of Peace
Why? Because Jane Gooddall is practically a saint, and we just really, really like her and call her our own.
Sir Richard Branson
Profession: Businessman and entrepreneur
Why? Because Elon Musk has too long run unopposed for Most Eccentric American Mad Scientist Billionaire. If Branson crosses the pond and issues the challenge, maybe we will actually get that hyperloop before the end of time.
Naomi Campbell
Profession: Model and Actress
Why? Because her propensity for violent outbursts and infamous temper make her way more stereotypically American than British, and she’s also on Empire, which is 100 percent a tale of the American Dream.
Professor Brian Cox
Profession: Physicist and TV Host
Why? He’s basically the British version of Neil DeGrasse Tyson or Bill Nye. And why wouldn’t we want another rock star physicist who evangelizes science?
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Prince George of Cambridge
Profession: Prince of the United Kingdom
Why? Because he greeted President Obama in his tiny bathrobe, and if he leaves now he will never have to know the horrors of a post-Brexit U.K. His parents coming with him is up for negotiation.
David Cameron
Profession: Former Prime Minster of England
Why? Because even though the referendum was his terrible idea, it seems like he could use a nice place to retire after resigning from office thanks to an embarrassing rebuke of his leadership.
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Anna Wintour
Profession: Fashion Journalist
Why? Wintour has been the Editor-in-Chief of American Vogue for decades. You’re ours now, Anna, and there’s no denying it.
Dame Maggie Smith
Profession: Actress
Why? Along with one million other reasons, did you see The Lady in the Van? Can’t we just please keep her?
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Pat McGrath
Profession: Makeup artist and Businesswoman
Why? As the most sought after makeup artist in the world and creative design director for P&G beauty, McGrath is one of the most influential women in fashion industry. And since Americans love being the best at things we should definitely have McGrath on our team.
Susanna Reid
Profession: Journalist
Why? Because after she called out Nigel Farage for lying to his Leave supporters with propaganda he knew to be false, we want her on CNN or MSNBC or somewhere during our presidential election.
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Eden Hazard
Profession: Soccer player
Why? Because the men’s national soccer team lacks so much luster, and David Beckham is not The Man anymore. The Telegraph named Hazard their top player of the season, and Team USA could really use some energy to power them out of the basement of not-even-qualifying-for-the-Olympics status.
Mandy who voted for Brexit
Profession: Student
Why? Because we’re scared that Mandy is being hunted down after admitting on TV that she voted Leave and didn’t think her vote would count. Send proof of life, Mandy!
May freedom ring!
