A cheat sheet of Valentine’s Day poetry

Valentine’s Day is nigh. If you do not have time to hit Victoria’s Secret, are broke, or eschew material goods as tokens of love, why not lavish your amour with a romantic gift as green as it gets? Recite a poem.This gift does require advanced planning-you cannot memorize at the last minute. But proving you thought ahead is crucial to a successful Valentine’s Day gift. No one wants to think about their beloved going “D’Oh!” and rushing to pick up a dozen pre-wilted roses or a pint of Old Granddad.Below are a few good lines that should not tax your powers of memory too much, and range from saucy to ecstatic to rueful.


ROMANTICLord Byron, “She Walks In Beauty”For a poem one could recite between appetizer and entrée, try Byron’s “She Walks in Beauty.” Good for the newly smitten, this poem would be best delivered in candle- or moonlight:

She walks in beauty, like the nightOf cloudless climes and starry skies;And all that ‘s best of dark and brightMeet in her aspect and her eyes:Full text here.

MODERNEugenio Montale, “La Belle Dame Sans Merci”Another short lyric, this one from Italian modernist and Nobel Prize winner Eugene Montale might work on Valentine’s morn, should you need some ammunition to convince your sweetie to stay in for the day. Here is one stanza:

Today we miss all appointments, both of us,And our breakfast grows cold among the heapsOf useless books they send and your strange relics:Calendars, jewel boxes, little bottles, creams.Full text here.

RENAISSANCE Thomas Nashe, The Choise of ValentinesPerhaps that morning in bed did not go as expected…. There is even a poem for Valentine’s Day performance anxiety disasters, Thomas Nashe’s The Choice of Valentines,” also known as “Nashe’s Dildo.”The poem begins sweetly and PG friendly;

It was the merie moneth of FebruarieWhen yong-men in their iollie roguerieRose earelie in the morne fore breake of daieTo seeke them valentines so trimme and gaie.Later, it heads into unrated waters. When the speaker’s, um, joy forsakes him, he implores him (it?) to rise to the occasion:Staie, staie sweete ioye, and leaue me not forlorne,Why shouldst thou fade, that art but newlie borne?Staie but an houre ; an houre is not so much,But half an houre ; if that thy haste be such :Naie but a quarter ;Eventually he calls in a substitute,“a youth almost tuo handfulls highe,Streight, round, and plumb, yett hauing but one eye”Try this one at your own risk…this poem is so pornographic it was unpublishable in its time.Full text here.

CONTEMPORARYAnne Carson, from “The Beauty of the Husband”For those of us stag this Valentine’s Day, or planning a night out with girlfriends to drink and grouse about how we only fall for cads, contemporary Canadian poet Anne Carson reminds us of the all too human appeal of many a cad:

… So why did I love him from early girlhood to late middle ageand the divorce decree came in the mail?Beauty. No great secret. Not ashamed to say I loved him for his beauty.As I would againif he came near. Beauty convinces. You know beauty makes sex possible.Beauty makes sex sex.Find Carson on Amazon here.

If none of the above match your mood or your honey, brush up your Shakespeare, the master of pick up lines. Most of us can do the first line below, but then we trail off into some lame parody. This year, do better. Read each line out loud, then close your eyes and try to do it again, from memory:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?Thou art more lovely and more temperate:Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,And often is his gold complexion dimmed;And every fair from fair sometime declines,By chance or nature’s changing course untrimmed.But thy eternal summer shall not fade,Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.For more ideas, spend some time on the Poetry Foundation’s Poetry Tool.Let us know how it goes.(Thanks to Samantha Webb, Associate Professor, University of Montevallo; Evelyn Tribble, Donald Collie Chair, University of Otago; and David Young, Emeritus Donald R. Longman Professor, Oberlin College, for suggestions).Top image: Abduction of Deianira, 1620, by Guido Reni.

  • Man’s dog suddenly becomes protective of his wife, Internet clocks the reason right away
    Photo credit: CanvaDogs have impressive observational powers.

    Reddit user Girlfriendhatesmefor’s three-year-old pitbull, Otis, had recently become overprotective of his wife. So he asked the online community if they knew what might be wrong with the dog.

    “A week or two ago, my wife got some sort of stomach bug,” the Reddit user wrote under the subreddit /r/dogs. “She was really nauseous and ill for about a week. Otis is very in tune with her emotions (we once got in a fight and she was upset, I swear he was staring daggers at me lol) and during this time didn’t even want to leave her to go on walks. We thought it was adorable!”

    His wife soon felt better, butthe dog’s behavior didn’t change.

    pregnancy signs, dogs and pregnancy, pitbull behavior, pet intuition, dog overprotection, Reddit stories, viral Reddit, dog instincts, canine emotions, dog owner tips
    Otis knew before they did. Canva

    Girlfriendhatesmefor began to fear that Otis’ behavior may be an early sign of an aggression issue or an indication that the dog was hurt or sick.

    So he threw a question out to fellow Reddit users: “Has anyone else’s dog suddenly developed attachment/aggression issues? Any and all advice appreciated, even if it’s that we’re being paranoid!”

    The most popular response to his thread was by ZZBC.

    Any chance your wife is pregnant?

    ZZBC | Reddit

    The potential news hit Girlfriendhatesmefor like a ton of bricks. A few days later, Girlfriendhatesmefor posted an update and ZZBC was right!

    “The wifey is pregnant!” the father-to-be wrote. “Otis is still being overprotective but it all makes sense now! Thanks for all the advice and kind words! Sorry for the delayed reply, I didn’t check back until just now!”

    Redditors responded with similar experiences.

    Anecdotal I know but I swear my dog knew I was pregnant before I was. He was super clingy (more than normal) and was always resting his head on my belly.

    realityisworse | Reddit

    So why do dogs get overprotective when someone is pregnant?

    Jeff Werber, PhD, president and chief veterinarian of the Century Veterinary Group in Los Angeles, told Health.com that “dogs can also smell the hormonal changes going on in a woman’s body at that time.” He added the dog may “not understand that this new scent of your skin and breath is caused by a developing baby, but they will know that something is different with you—which might cause them to be more curious or attentive.”

    The big lesson here is to listen to your pets and to ask questions when their behavior abruptly changes. They may be trying to tell you something, and the news may be life-changing.

    This article originally appeared last year.

  • Throughout history, women have stood up and fought to break down barriers imposed on them from stereotypes and societal expectations. The trailblazers in these photos made history and redefined what a woman could be. In doing so, they paved the way for future generations to stand up and continue to fight for equality.

  • ,

    Why mass shootings spawn conspiracy theories

    Mass shootings and conspiracy theories have a long history.

    While conspiracy theories are not limited to any topic, there is one type of event that seems particularly likely to spark them: mass shootings, typically defined as attacks in which a shooter kills at least four other people.

    When one person kills many others in a single incident, particularly when it seems random, people naturally seek out answers for why the tragedy happened. After all, if a mass shooting is random, anyone can be a target.

    Pointing to some nefarious plan by a powerful group – such as the government – can be more comforting than the idea that the attack was the result of a disturbed or mentally ill individual who obtained a firearm legally.


Explore More Articles Stories

Articles

Man’s dog suddenly becomes protective of his wife, Internet clocks the reason right away

Articles

14 images of badass women who destroyed stereotypes and inspired future generations

Articles

Why mass shootings spawn conspiracy theories

Articles

11 hilarious posts describe the everyday struggles of being a woman