Everyone wants to know the secret to a marriage that goes the distance. While pop culture often focuses on the sparks and the romance, a growing conversation among relationship experts suggests we might be looking at the wrong thing. According to Harvard professor and relationship researcher Dr. Arthur Brooks, the foundation of a lasting bond isn't actually what most people think.
During an appearance on the podcast The Drive hosted by Dr. Peter Attia, Brooks explained that while passion is a natural part of the start of a relationship, it isn't the primary goal for the long haul. Brooks stated that “the goal of your marriage is not passion, it's friendship.”
He emphasized that successful couples genuinely have to like each other to survive the decades.
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This concept is backed by the American Psychological Association, which defines this type of bond as companionate love. Unlike the intense emotional arousal of early romance, companionate love is marked by deep feelings of intimacy and affection. Brooks told Attia that “You must be close friends, ideally, best friends, with your spouse.”
This connection becomes especially vital as life changes, such as when children leave the home and couples are left with their shared interests and philosophies.
Below: Denzel Washington and Pauletta Washington have been married for 43 years.
The importance of this friendship first approach is also a cornerstone of the work done by Dr. John Gottman. As the founder of The Gottman Institute, he has spent years studying what makes relationships thrive. The Institute suggests that maintaining this friendship requires a constant commitment to listening, staying interested in one's partner, and being a reliable teammate.
Below: Elton John and David Furnish have been together for 33 years.
This expert advice is currently being echoed by those with real world experience. In a popular thread on the Reddit community r/AskOldPeople, users shared their own hard won wisdom about what keeps a marriage healthy. One person noted that the secret was “Valuing our friendship together as much as our romantic interest in one another.”
Below: Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have been married for 38 years.
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Another user was even more blunt about the realities of sharing a life with someone. “Marry someone you really, really like. Because if you’re doing life together, you’re going to go through a lot of shit. So much shit, y’all,” they shared. They added that having a partner they genuinely love seeing walk into a room is what has sustained them for 32 years.
Another poster summarized the sentiment perfectly by noting, “I’d say my own marriage is happy because we like, love and respect each other.” They pointed out that having overlapping values and avoiding competition with one another created a much smoother path. While building a life together takes effort, these experts and couples agree that the work feels much lighter when you are doing it with your best friend.
Below: Michelle Obama and Barack Obama have been married for 34 years.
marriage advice, healthy relationships, friendship in marriage, Arthur Brooks, John Gottman, companionate love, relationship secrets, long term marriage, marital success, expert relationship tips YouTube
This article originally appeared last year.
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