Some people are scared of small talk. Maybe there are some fears around sharing the wrong thing or just not having anything interesting to say. Others find the whole thing frustratingly silly and a bit boring. And still some are shy and would rather not risk an uncomfortable situation all together.
At one time or another, everyone will find themselves at a work event, birthday celebration, parent-teacher night, holiday party, or some other basic social gathering. Some casual conversation with unknown and unfamiliar people will definitely be a possibility and, in some cases, completely unavoidable.
Mental health experts suggest for those individuals that find small talk a bit much and just too uncomfortable, to try using the “FORD method.” This simple acronym offers up four basic topics to easily work into any conversation.
According to Nicole Arzt, M.S., L.M.F.T at SocialSelf, “FORD” stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams.
Let’s break it down:
Family
Functional or dysfunctional, large or small, most everyone has some version of a family. For this reason, it’s a great way for connecting with other people. Chatting about families offers a way for everyone to share a little about their personal lives and establish some common ground. Here are some simple questions suggested by Arzt:
Do you have any siblings?
How did you two meet? (if you are meeting a couple for the first time)
How old is your child?
How is your____ (sister, brother, mother, etc.) doing since ____ (event that happened?)
Occupation
Most everyone has at least had a job at one time. Insights into what people do to pay the bills can be fascinating. Also, those people without jobs can open up some compelling conversations too. Some pertinent questions include:
What do you do for a living?
How do you like working at _____?
What’s your favorite part of your job?
What made you interested in becoming a _____?
Recreation
Who doesn’t love a little free time? Learning about other people’s unique interests gives a great way into some good banter. In some instances you might find familiar hobbies and likes that can spark up a deeper conversation. Questions can be as simple as:
What do you like to do for fun?
Have you watched (or read) ______(popular show/book)?
What are you up to this weekend?
Dreams
Learning about another person’s passions or hopes for the future speaks volumes about who they are and the person they want to be. Someone tell you, “I have a family and a job,” and you think, Yeah, that’s cool. Now imagine they say, “I want to be an astronaut or win the Tour de France…” now that’s unexpected. Suddenly, you want to know more and a conversation is born. Try some of these questions to get the story rolling:
Where do you hope to be working in the next few years?
Where would you like to travel?
What’s something you’d like to try in the future?
Would you ever consider trying _____ (particular hobby or activity)?
Arzt suggests the importance of having a mutual conversation. That means not just listening to what the other person says, but also sharing about yourself as well. This is where practice can take someone to the next level as a small talk artist. Finding connection and linking ideas stimulates deeper, more compelling, and more meaningful conversations, a real heart-to-heart exchange that can be enjoyed by all. “Pay attention to someone else’s answers and think about how you can draw from your own experience to connect,” she wrote.
For those wondering about the how much to say verses how much to listen, the question can be answered by the following rule: 43:57. An AI program analyzed over 25,000 sales calls and measured the perfect speaking to listening ratio. According to Gong.io, when the salesperson was talking 43% of the time and listening the remaining 57%, sales were significantly better.
Although this study comes from business calls, the information is applicable for more traditional settings too. Learning how to be a better listener and creating an environment where people can feel special and understood is how small talk can actually feel good.
