It happens to the best of us. You are trying to fall asleep, but your brain decides it is the perfect time to replay a conversation you had three days ago. You analyze your tone. You cringe at a specific joke that didn’t land. You script the perfect comeback you wish you had said.
Usually, this fades after a few minutes. But for some, the tape never stops rolling.
When you cannot stop replaying moments in your brain, it is called rumination. It is a process where the mind gets stuck in a loop of repetitive thoughts. While reflecting on social interactions is normal, getting stuck in that loop can be exhausting and disruptive to your actual life.
GOOD spoke with several mental health professionals to understand why our brains do this and, more importantly, how to hit the stop button.
Why do we repeat conversations in our heads?
“Thinking about how things were said, the tone, the language, keeps our mind engaged while having the innate desire for a resolution,” said psychotherapist Sumita Changela. “It’s how we humans cope with the desire of being accepted and how we may want to be perceived, wondering if we managed to get the intended message across accurately.”
“Conversations replay in our brains because we are wired to learn from social interactions. It allows us to reflect on what went well, understand our emotions, and improve how we communicate,” explains Dr. Simon Faynboym. “On the other hand, replaying can turn into rumination, leading it to become stressful and make us feel stuck, especially if we’re focused on something we regret or can’t change.”
“We replay conversations because our brain is trying to help us feel better and fix a perceived problem. It keeps replaying the moment because it’s searching for clarity, relief, an answer, or a fix,” says licensed psychotherapist Ciara Bogdanovic. “Rumination becomes unhelpful when it stops offering insight, doesn’t lead anywhere new, and keeps you stuck in the same feeling rather than helping you move through it.”
“Ruminating can provide a false sense of control,” said licensed therapist Amalya Tagakchyan. “It keeps the nervous system activated in a stress response mode because it perceives it as a danger to work through, so we remain in the stress-driven loop in hopes we can finish that unfinished business.”
“For someone with anxiety or OCD, this process can get stuck in an unhealthy loop due to factors like perfectionism, unresolved trauma, stress, or negative self-perception,” added behavioral health professional Aaron Mostin.
How do I stop ruminating?
Fortunately, according to the professionals who reached out to GOOD, there are a variety of different methods a person can use to manage the repeated conversations looping in their mind.
“To break the cycle, try grounding yourself in the present by taking a few slow breaths (i.e. box breathing), shifting your attention to a physical activity, or reminding yourself that the conversation is over and you’ve learned what you can from it,” recommended Dr. Faynboym. “It can also help to set a ‘worry window,’ writing down your thoughts for a few minutes and then intentionally moving on.”
“Other coping strategies include doing a chore, working on a puzzle, exercising, watching a movie, reading a book, changing your location by going for a walk outside, or practicing mindfulness techniques such as breathwork, meditation, or yoga,” said Mostin.
What are the 3Ns?
Tagakchyan recommended people who get stuck ruminating to focus on the “3 N’s”: “Notice, name, and neutralize.” By acknowledging the thought (noticing it), you can create a sense of separation from it. You can further distance yourself from it by labeling it as your anxiety, stress, etc., talking at you (naming) to then be able to identify whether the thought is helpful or harmful to you (neutralizing).
“Jotting down in a diary a thought log can be very effective in managing rumination,” said Changela. “We all want to feel accepted, but if the cost is too high and interferes with our daily functioning on a regular basis, then it might be time to work with a therapist.”
If these steps to managing rumination aren’t working for you or you find yourself struggling with them, all of these professionals recommend finding a licensed therapist who could help guide you or find alternative treatments. A conversation with a professional could help prevent past conversations from haunting you.
This article originally appeared last year.
