The Double Rainbow Guy, aka Paul Vasquez, became a YouTube celebrity after he recorded himself weeping at the sight of nature’s own color band. Ostensibly on that merit alone, he’s now running for president—on Facebook, that is. Vasquez is taking advantage of a new Facebook app called Votocracy. For only $99, Votocracy allows candidates to earn supporters through “likes” before hosting primaries for every state and Washington, D.C. Ultimately, the goal is for the 51 final contestants to compete in a televised race, a la American Idol.
Needless to say, they don’t have a TV deal yet. But that’s not deterring us from thinking of the possibilities of a country run by viral sensations. Why stop at the presidency? Here, we imagine an entire United States administration culled from YouTube:
Double Rainbow Guy for President – The EPA’s power would rise meteorically, and marijuana would instantly be legal and a flourishing sector of our economy.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI
Affirmation Jessica for Vice President – The VP is the ultimate yes-man (or yes-woman). When Jessica proclaimed in the mirror, “I can do anything good!” we knew she was destined for greatness. So when Double Rainbow guy eventually resigns out of guilt for abandoning his beloved Yosemite, Jessica will be free to run around the White House shouting, “I like my whole house!”
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg
(Where the hell is) Matt for Secretary of State – The Secretary of State needs to have extensive foreign policy experience. Judging by this video, wherein Matt gets down in 42 countries from Iceland to Madagascar, we think he’s the right man for the job.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
Star Wars Kid for Secretary of Defense – With moves like these, Americans can sleep soundly.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU
Antoine “Bed Intruder” Dodson for Attorney General – When a local newscast reported on an intruder breaking into a woman’s house and climbing into bed with her, the woman’s brother gave the best defense anyone could ever muster, complete with forensic evidence. It was so good, in fact, that it inspired a slew of musical remixes.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHpluwP328A&feature=related
Gushers Kid to head the Food and Drug Administration – This inspection is as thorough as any the FDA has given. Here, our young reviewer assures us that fruit Gushers are “definitely a buy.”
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TXd0GhSGUs
Crushed Grapes Woman to head the Department of Agriculture – Okay, okay, we know she doesn’t have the best balance, but we’re giving her major points for stomping grapes barefoot on network television. (On second thought, the woman instructing her might make a better fit.)
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMS0O3kknvk
Rebecca Black for Secretary of Education – Her “Friday” video taught us invaluable lessons: that Friday came after Thursday, Saturday came after Friday, and that kids can be very, very cruel. In preparation for her high-profile position, Rebecca has removed the infamous video from YouTube, but never fear, there are plenty of covers out there.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey-VNes5YQs&NR=1
Rock n’ Roll Kid for Secretary of Transportation – Given the elation this little dude felt after riding a bike, and the leadership skills he exhibited thereafter, we can be assured he’ll do everything in his power to promote bicycle infrastructure.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaIvk1cSyG8
Chris “Leave Britney Alone” Crocker will head up a new agency: the Department of LGBT Protections – Chris became an Internet celeb after he implored America to be kinder to Britney Spears. But he’d long been bravely vlogging as an openly gay, femme Southern teenager as a way to cope with and stealthily fight against homophobia. The Single Ladies Devastation toddler will lead the Anti-Gender Policing Department.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc
David After Dentist for Secretary of Health and Human Services – This kid certainly has a philosophical take on medication.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs
Justin Bieber for Ambassador to Canada – You knew the Biebs was going to make this list—he’s Internet celeb royalty. We considered him for the Health and Human Services position, given that he supports universal health care. But since Justin’s got so much Canada pride, this position is better suited for him. (The three-year-old that couldn’t stop weeping over JB will be his intern.)
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4&ob=av2e
Jill and Kevin’s wedding party to staff the Department of Vital Records – Under ordinary circumstances, this would be the most tedious job in the administration. But Jill and Kevin will see to it that their employees have some pep in their step.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
The “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” Guy to head the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms – A University of Florida student was arrested and tasered after stepping to John Kerry at a town hall forum. Before he’s subdued, he pleads, “Don’t tase me, bro!” We’re guessing he feels pretty strongly about weapon regulation nowadays.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bVa6jn4rpE
Surprised Kitty for First Pet – We think this is pretty self-explanatory.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8
