Whether it’s a first date, a business coffee, or a dinner with a friend of a friend, small talk has the ability to be equal parts nerve-wracking and boring. In situations like these you want to spark up genuine conversation and connection. While there are several icebreaker questions one can use, there is one in particular that most professionals and social experts agree on: “What’s been the highlight of your day?”
This question might not seem different from others, but it’s actually more versatile than it seems at face value, especially compared to the common question/greeting, “How are you?” This is because the answer to “How are you?” is usually more vague and could invite negativity or short, abrupt answers. Most of the time, the answer to that question is “Pretty good” or something akin to that. Then that’s it. On the opposite end, “What’s been the highlight of your day?” can open up a variety of responses.
The reason why “How are you?” gets poor replies or short ones is because the person answering either is feeling good and aren’t sure whether to expand upon it, or that they’re actually feeling bad and don’t want to share what’s been troubling them to bring the mood down. Asking “How are you?” creates more work for a connection because you’re not only ending up restarting a conversation all over again, but you might possibly restart from a negative headspace if the person you’re interacting with is being reminded of their difficulties.
“[Asking “What’s been the highlight of your day?] is my alternative to ‘How are you?,’” says human behavioral researcher and author Vanessa Van Edwards. “Asking someone the best part of their day is a great way to bring up positive vibes, as opposed to just giving you a boring update.”
Asking about the highlight of someone’s day (or highlight of their week if you’re in a morning business meeting and the day has just started), allows them to find the one or two things they’ve enjoyed and invites them to expound upon them. If they’re having a good day, they could tell you about a project they’ve completed at work or a personal goal they achieved, giving you insight to their job or whatever else drives them. If they’ve had a rough one, they can reflect positively on small comforts like a great sandwich they had during lunch, a TV show they enjoyed, or something else important to them that brought them comfort if they had an otherwise bad day.
Regardless of their answer, you’ll get a deeper understanding of the person as they’ll also provide other conversation jump off points for you to use like, “Oh, tell me more about the project you completed,” or, “Where did you get that sandwich?” etc.
It’s a question that isn’t just for networking opportunities or getting to know friends of friends, but can be a great first date question as well. This is because the question invites the answerer to be as open or as guarded as they wish depending on their level of comfort. It also keeps the conversation and the mindset of everyone in a feel-good headspace which can build momentum and closeness as the date goes on.
“I like this phrase as a social icebreaker since it opens up for conversing around something that’s positive without it getting too personal, but that still helps people to get closer to each other in a natural way,” says licensed relationship therapist and sexologist Sofi Roos. “It’s a question that’s relatively easy to answer, and the person answering it can choose how many private details they want to share.”
This also leads to the person leaving a lasting positive impression on you. By leading with their highlight, you’re transporting them back to that positive feeling of accomplishment, contentment, happiness, etc. That will naturally bleed into associating that good feeling with your current conversation partner, making you feel more connected and making you more memorable to them because of it, too.
So, the next time you’re going out on a date, attending a business brunch, or attempting any other interaction with new people or even old friends, try asking about a highlight of their week. No matter the response, it’ll be easy for them to share and create more interesting tributaries for the conversation to follow.
