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Yet as a developmental psychologist, I thought that response made a lot of sense.

For the last four years, I've been studying people's experiences of their 30s and early 40s, and my research has led me to believe that this stage of life – while full of challenges – is much more rewarding than most might think.

The career and care crunch

When I was a researcher in my late 30s, I wanted to read more about the age period I was in. That was when I realized that no one was doing research on people in their 30s and early 40s, which puzzled me. So much often happens during this time: Buying homes, getting married or getting divorced; building careers, changing careers, having children or choosing not to have children.

To study something, it helps to name it. So my colleagues and I named the period from ages 30 to 45 "established adulthood," and then set out to try to understand it better. While we are still collecting data, we have currently interviewed over 100 people in this age cohort, and have collected survey data from more than 600 additional people.

We went into this large-scale project expecting to find that established adults were happy but struggling. We thought there would be rewards during this period of life – perhaps being settled in career, family and friendships, or peaking physically and cognitively – but also some significant challenges.

The main challenge we anticipated was what we called "the career and care crunch."

This refers to the collision of workplace demands and demands of caring for others that takes place in your 30s and early 40s. Trying to climb a ladder in a chosen career while also being increasingly expected to care for kids, tend to the needs of partners and perhaps care for aging parents can create a lot of stress and work.

Yet when we started to look at our data, what we found surprised us.

Yes, people were feeling overwhelmed and talked about having too much to do in too little time. But they also talked about feeling profoundly satisfied. All of these things that were bringing them stress were also bringing them joy.

For example, Yuying, 44, said "even though there are complicated points of this time period, I feel very solidly happy in this space right now." Nina, 39, simply described herself as being "wildly happy." (The names used in this piece are pseudonyms, as required by research protocol.)

When we took an even closer look at our data, it started to become clear why people might wish to remain age 36 over any other age. People talked about being in the prime of their lives and feeling at their peak. After years of working to develop careers and relationships, people reported feeling as though they had finally arrived.

Mark, 36, shared that, at least for him, "things feel more in place." "I've put together a machine that's finally got all the parts it needs," he said.

A sigh of relief after the tumultuous 20s

As well as feeling as though they had accumulated the careers, relationships and general life skills they had been working toward since their 20s, people also said they had greater self-confidence and understood themselves better.

Jodie, 36, appreciated the wisdom she had gained as she reflected on life beyond her 20s:

"Now you've got a solid decade of life experience. And what you discover about yourself in your 20s isn't necessarily that what you wanted was wrong. It's just you have the opportunity to figure out what you don't want and what's not going to work for you. … So you go into your 30s, and you don't waste a bunch of time going on half dozen dates with somebody that's probably not really going to work out, because you've dated before and you have that confidence and that self-assuredness to be like, 'hey, thanks but no thanks.' Your friend circle becomes a lot closer because you weed out the people that you just don't need in your life that bring drama.”

Most established adults we interviewed seemed to recognize that they were happier in their 30s than they were in their 20s, and this impacted how they thought about some of the signs of physical aging that they were starting to encounter. For example, Lisa, 37, said, "If I could go back physically but I had to also go back emotionally and mentally … no way. I would take flabby skin lines every day."

Not ideal for everyone

Our research should be viewed with some caveats.

The interviews were primarily conducted with middle-class North Americans, and many of the participants are white. For those who are working class, or for those who have had to reckon with decades of systemic racism, established adulthood may not be so rosy.

It is also worth noting that the career and care crunch has been exacerbated, especially for women, by the COVID-19 pandemic. For this reason, the pandemic may be leading to a decrease in life satisfaction, especially for established adults who are parents trying to navigate full-time careers and full-time child care.

[You're smart and curious about the world. So are The Conversation's authors and editors.You can get our highlights each weekend.]

At the same time, that people think of their 30s – and not their 20s or their teens – as the sweet spot in their lives to which they'd like to return suggests that this is a period of life that we should pay more attention to.

And this is slowly happening. Along with my own work is an excellent book recently written by Kayleen Shaefer, "But You're Still So Young," that explores people navigating their 30s. In her book she tells stories of changing career paths, navigating relationships and dealing with fertility.

My colleagues and I hope that our work and Shaefer's book are just the beginning. Having a better understanding of the challenges and rewards of established adulthood will give society more tools to support people during that period, ensuring that this golden age provides not only memories that we will fondly look back upon, but also a solid foundation for the rest of our lives.

Clare Mehta is an Associate Professor of Psychology, Emmanuel College. This article originally appeared on The Conversation. You can read it here.

This article originally appeared on 04.27.21.

He had no choice but to sink sadly into his seat while the stronger woman flexed over his head.

Watch it all ‘straighten out’ in the YouTube video below:

This article originally appeared on 05.30.19

Check out our 16 favorites.

All images used with permission of John Holcroft.

This article originally appeared on 08.19.18

"This is the only place I can get a sandwich or get something to anything else to eat that doesn't hurt my stomach," Doug told Fox 10 Phoenix.

"He comes in with a walker, as soon as we see him come to the doors, we try [to] grab the doors for him," Arby's manager Christina Gamage said. Gamage says that he's gone through a lot as a veteran and he doesn't have any family.

So the crew at Arby's have taken him in as one of their own. The employees help Doug open the doors and be seated when he enters the restaurant. They've even given Doug their phone numbers, so if there's ever day he can't make it over, they deliver his order to the retirement home where he lives.

For Christmas 2018, the employees chipped in and presented Doug with a $200 gift card. "He was shocked, hardly had anything to say," an Arby's manager said.

Daniel Maloney, who was eating at the restaurant with his mother that day, noticed the kindness of the Arby's employees and posted about it on Facebook where the story went viral.

"We really enjoy you here and we always want you to come back," the manager said while presenting the gift certificate to Doug, according to Maloney.

The veteran cracked a joke, saying, "I never know if I'll be here the next day, but thank you so much for this," Maloney continued.

"There are so many good people in the world," Maloney wrote. "These employees selflessly put in their own money, so a elderly (sic) man could come in and enjoy dinner on what he never knew could be his last."

After Fox 10 Phoenix picked up the story and it went viral, Arby's decided to give Doug free food for life.

"Let's give him Arby's for life, I have no problem with that," Gamage told ABC News. "We try to go above and beyond for him because he needs the extra love," said Gamage, store manager.

How wonderful would this world be if everyone who deserved "the extra love" got it?

This article originally appeared on 12.12.19

In any situation involving the police, you can ask this question. Some people ask it slightly differently: “Am I being detained?"—which is a version of the same question. Basically, if they've got nothing on you, they have to let you go. If they answer no to that question, you are in fact not free to go. In that case, you are suspected of doing something, and it's their job to try to get you to admit to it or to say a bit too much and incriminate yourself.

2. “I do not consent to any searches."

One of the trickiest things that some law enforcement folks try is to talk you into letting them search your vehicle—or house, for that matter. “So if you haven't done anything, then you're ok with us searching your car … right? I mean, if you're innocent. We'll go easier on you if you let us." Do NOT give up your rights that easily. Are you certain your buddy didn't leave a bag of weed in the glove box? Are you sure your boyfriend took his target pistol out of the trunk after he went to practice shooting the other day? Are you absolutely certain that the body in your trunk was removed and buried in that farm fiel … whoops. Did I say that last one out loud?! The point is, don't give up your rights easily. And believe me, cops are gooooood at trying to play psychological games. Which leads to #3.

3. “I want to remain silent."

You have that right, and if things start getting thick, you need to use it. “We clocked you going 60 in a 50, but when you opened your window to give us your license, we smelled marijuana." The correct answer to something like this is, “I want to remain silent." The temptation is to say, “Yeah, my buddy and I smoked in my car this morning but I wasn't driving, blah blah blah"—but then you're already nailed. Time for them to get the dogs and search. Congratulations, you're on your way to the pokey for the night.

4. “I want a lawyer."

If you've reach this particular point, then you're in deep doodoo anyway, so go ahead and ask for one, and say nothing until he or she arrives. Remember these four things. It will be hard in the moment, with your adrenaline pumping, your freedom in question, and when you're possibly in physical danger, depending on the cops involved and your skin color.

"Am I free to go?"

"I do not consent to any searches."

"I want to remain silent."

"I want a lawyer."

Perhaps a word involving the first letter of the four statements will help you remember: FoSSiL (Free, Searches, Silent, Lawyer)

Or maybe a mnemonic:

— Fiscal Suns Scramble Lives

— Fresh Sushi Smell Lemons

— Flexible Straws Sell Lobsters

— Free Subjects Steam Lobsters

And here's a graphic to help you remember.

The clip below is a shortened version of a much longer one that explains your rights, detailing what you can and cannot do in these situations. Note that the order of the above is a bit different than in the clip, but the principles are the same. Also, the idea for this article was inspired by this article on Alternet.

Good luck out there!

This article originally appeared on 09.12.17

A blogger who goes by the name Celeste Yvonne is the mother of a toddler and a newborn and wrote a revealing open letter to her husband asking for more help with their children. It's going viral because it paints a very real picture of what it feels like to be a mother who feels stuck doing everything.

It's also important because it gives specific ways for parents to support each other.

“Dear Husband,"

"I. Need. More. Help."

"Last night was hard for you. I asked you to watch the baby so I could go to bed early. The baby was crying. Wailing, really. I could hear him from upstairs and my stomach knotted from the sound, wondering if I should come down there and relieve you or just shut the door so I could get some desperately needed sleep. I chose the latter."

"You came into the room 20 minutes later, with the baby still frantically crying. You placed the baby in the bassinet and gently pushed the bassinet just a few inches closer to my side of the bed, a clear gesture that you were done watching him."

"I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to launch an epic fight that very moment. I had been watching the baby and the toddler all damn day. I was going to be waking up with the baby to feed him all damn night. The least you could do is hold him for a couple of hours in the evening to I can attempt to sleep."

"Just a few hours of precious sleep. Is that too much to ask?"

"I know we both watched our parents fulfill the typical mother-father roles growing up. Both our mothers were the primary caretakers and our fathers were relatively hands off. They were excellent dads, but they weren't expected to spend a significant amount of time changing diapers, feeding, caring, and tending to the kids. Our mothers were the superwomen who maintained the family dynamics. Cooking, cleaning, and raising the children. Any help from dad was welcome, but unexpected."

"I see us falling into these family dynamics more and more each day. My responsibility to feed the family, keep the house clean, and take care of the kids is assumed, even as I return to work. I blame myself for most of it too. I have set the precedent that I can do it. And in truth I want to. No offense, but I'm not sure I want to know what a week's worth of dinner would look like with you in charge."

"I also see my friends and other moms doing it all, and doing it well. I know you see it, too. If they can manage it, and if our mothers did it so well for us, why can't I?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe our friends are playing the part in public and secretly struggling. Maybe our moms suffered in silence for years and now, thirty years later, they simply don't remember how hard it really was. Or maybe, and this is something I berate myself over every single day, I'm just not as qualified for the job as everyone else. And as much as I cringe just thinking it, I'm going to say it: I need more help."

"Part of me feels like a failure for even asking. I mean, you do help. You are an amazing father, and you do a great job with the kids. And besides, this should come easy to me, right? Motherly instincts, no?"

"But I'm human, and I'm running on five hours of sleep and tired as hell. I need you."

"In the morning, I need you to get our toddler ready so I can care for the baby and make everyone's lunches and drink a cup of coffee. And no, getting the toddler ready does not mean plopping him in front of the TV. It means making sure he went potty, giving him some breakfast, seeing if he wants water, and packing his bag for school."

"At night, I need an hour to decompress in bed knowing our toddler is asleep in his room and the baby is in your care. I know it's hard to listen to the baby cry. Believe me, I know. But if I can watch and pacify the baby for the majority of the day, you can do it for an hour or two at night. Please. I need you."

"On weekends, I need more breaks. Times where I can get out of the house by myself and feel like an individual. Even if it's just a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. And some days when I've scheduled swim class and play dates, and it seems like I've got it all under control, I need you to offer to lend me a hand. Or suggest I go lay down during the kids' naptime. Or start putting away the dishes without me suggesting it. I need you."

"Lastly, I need to hear you're grateful for all I do. I want to know that you notice the laundry is done and a nice dinner has been prepared. I want to know you appreciate that I breastfeed at all hours and pump when I'm at work when it would be easier for me to formula feed. I hope you notice that I never ask you to stay home from your networking events and sport activities. As the mom, it's assumed I'll be home all the time and always available to care for the kids while you're out and I feed that assumption by, well, being home all the time."

"I know it's not how our parents did it, and I hate even asking. I wish I could do it all and make it look effortless. And I wish I didn't need kudos for doing things most people expect from a mom. But I's waving a white flag and admitting I'm only human. I's telling you how much I need you, and if I keep going at the pace I'se been on, I will break. And that would hurt you, the kids, and our family."

"Because, let's face it: you need me, too.”

After the video went viral, Yvonne filmed another thanking everyone who read it and addressed the biggest question it raised: Did the letter work?

“Yes, absolutely. Communication works — most of the time," Yvonne said with a laugh. “I told [my husband] all the stuff I'm doing on the back end that he had no idea about. And then he told me all the concerns and the stress he's been having as a new father. Things that I had no idea about. It was so eye-opening, and I'm so grateful for it."

This article originally appeared on 03.10.19

Two recent studies have shown that heterosexual men and women have distinct preferences in the type of dancing they find attractive. Their findings can help us determine whether we should be strutting our stuff on the dance floor or taking our chances striking up some conversation at the bar.

A study by Psychologists at Northumbria University in Newcastle, England used computer-generated avatars to uncover the secret to what makes a man a good dancer, according to heterosexual women.

The researchers recruited 19 men, attached reflectors to their clothing, and had them dance to German dance music. The researchers created faceless avatars of the dancing men and turned them into 15-second clips.

"Men all over the world will be interested to know what moves they can throw to attract women," psychologist Nick Neave said. "If a man knows what the key moves are, he can get some training and improve his chances of attracting a female through his dance style."

Researchers discovered that women tend to be drawn to men who move their upper bodies, use a lot of space, and vary their movements. (So apparently manspreading is ok, if it's on the dance floor.)

They also noted a bizarre preference for men who used faster bending and twisting movements of their right knee.

The researchers believe that it's because 80% of all people are right-footed, so most people "are putting their weight on their left leg and using that leg as an anchor while the right can do more fancy things," Neave suggested. "It is a bit of an odd finding, so we need more studies to see if this feature is replicated."

Psychologists in the U.K. measured what heterosexual men find attractive on the dance floor by asking 39 female college students to dance to a Robbie Williams song.

Like the men, motion capture was used to create a faceless avatar that ensured the women were judged by their dance moves, not other attributes.

Here's the type of dancing that the men weren't feeling.

Here's the type of dancing the men found attractive.

The men preferred women who included bigger swings of the hips and asymmetrical leg movements—meaning the two legs were moving differently. They also liked medium levels of asymmetric arm movements.

The researchers believe that the hip-swinging was deemed attractive because it could be a sign of fertility. They also remarked that arm movement was fine "so long as this limb independence does not verge into uncontrolled pathological movement," the paper notes.

So none of this.

The studies are a good jumping-off point for those of us who want to appear competent when strutting ourselves in front of the opposite sex. But they shouldn't be seen as the definitive word on how to boogie.

Plus, the study doesn't even touch upon those who are looking to entice someone who isn't heterosexual.

"Dance is strongly influenced by culture," says Neave, "so there may be some cultural differences in specific movements or gestures."

Personally, as a guy, the feminine hygiene aisle can be a little intimidating. There are multiple brands, styles of products, scents, absorbency levels, and they are all color-coded.

What do the colors mean?

Knowing there's a lot I don't know, I take a picture on my phone of the box I'm about to purchase and send it to my wife, asking, “Is this the right one?"

A dad in the U.K. is getting some love on social media for the hilarious way he navigated the world of feminine hygiene products while showing how much he loved his daughter in the process.

It all began when Tia Savva sent her dad to Tesco, a popular U.K. drug store, to pick up some tampons.

Then, he made the ultimate offer of love, some chocolate for his ailing daughter.

This article originally appeared on July 2, 2019