16 British People We’d Happily Adopt This Independence Day

After Brexit, anything is possible[/vimeo]

During Dave Chappelle’s brief but brilliant eponymous comedy show, he executed innumerable brilliant sketches, but one of the best was the “Racial Draft.”

Chappelle’s character was the lead announcer in the draft, and told viewers at home, “Folks, this is for all the marbles. What happens here will state the racial standing of these Americans once and for all.”

The Racial Draft posited that mixed race people needed to be claimed by one faction of their genetic makeup. So we thought, why not make our own draft? (Except one that doesn’t have anything to do with who belongs to what race because wow that would be a dumb thing to do.)

With the recent Brexit fallout, we’re kind feeling like a lot of our brothers and sisters in the U.K.—our parent country—might be experiencing their own version of “I’m moving to Canada” right now. And there are a few Brits we’d be happy to draft onto the team Stateside.

Here are the ones we would happily call our own.

Idris Elba

Profession: Actor

Why? Why do you need to even ask?

Tom Hardy

Profession: Actor

Why? See above.

Ian McKellan and Sir Patrick Stewart

Profession: Actors

Why? This package deal comes with two of the best best friends in the entire world. They are more than nation treasures, they are global treasures, and we have come to claim them.

Jane Goodall

Profession: Primatologist, Ethologist, Anthropologist, and UN Messenger of Peace

Why? Because Jane Gooddall is practically a saint, and we just really, really like her and call her our own.

Sir Richard Branson

Profession: Businessman and entrepreneur

Why? Because Elon Musk has too long run unopposed for Most Eccentric American Mad Scientist Billionaire. If Branson crosses the pond and issues the challenge, maybe we will actually get that hyperloop before the end of time.

Naomi Campbell

Profession: Model and Actress

Why? Because her propensity for violent outbursts and infamous temper make her way more stereotypically American than British, and she’s also on Empire, which is 100 percent a tale of the American Dream.

Professor Brian Cox

Profession: Physicist and TV Host

Why? He’s basically the British version of Neil DeGrasse Tyson or Bill Nye. And why wouldn’t we want another rock star physicist who evangelizes science?

Prince George of Cambridge

Profession: Prince of the United Kingdom

Why? Because he greeted President Obama in his tiny bathrobe, and if he leaves now he will never have to know the horrors of a post-Brexit U.K. His parents coming with him is up for negotiation.

David Cameron

Profession: Former Prime Minster of England

Why? Because even though the referendum was his terrible idea, it seems like he could use a nice place to retire after resigning from office thanks to an embarrassing rebuke of his leadership.

Anna Wintour

Profession: Fashion Journalist

Why? Wintour has been the Editor-in-Chief of American Vogue for decades. You’re ours now, Anna, and there’s no denying it.

Dame Maggie Smith

Profession: Actress

Why? Along with one million other reasons, did you see The Lady in the Van? Can’t we just please keep her?

Pat McGrath

Profession: Makeup artist and Businesswoman

Why? As the most sought after makeup artist in the world and creative design director for P&G beauty, McGrath is one of the most influential women in fashion industry. And since Americans love being the best at things we should definitely have McGrath on our team.

Susanna Reid

Profession: Journalist

Why? Because after she called out Nigel Farage for lying to his Leave supporters with propaganda he knew to be false, we want her on CNN or MSNBC or somewhere during our presidential election.

Eden Hazard

Profession: Soccer player

Why? Because the men’s national soccer team lacks so much luster, and David Beckham is not The Man anymore. The Telegraph named Hazard their top player of the season, and Team USA could really use some energy to power them out of the basement of not-even-qualifying-for-the-Olympics status.

Mandy who voted for Brexit

Profession: Student

Why? Because we’re scared that Mandy is being hunted down after admitting on TV that she voted Leave and didn’t think her vote would count. Send proof of life, Mandy!

May freedom ring!

Screenshot via (left) Wikimedia Commons (right)

Greta Thunberg has been dubbed the "Joan of Arc of climate change" for good reason. The 16-year-old activist embodies the courage and conviction of the unlikely underdog heroine, as well as the seemingly innate ability to lead a movement.

Thunberg has dedicated her young life to waking up the world to the climate crisis we face and cutting the crap that gets in the way of fixing it. Her speeches are a unique blend of calm rationality and no-holds-barred bluntness. She speaks truth to power, dispassionately and unflinchingly, and it is glorious.

Keep Reading Show less
The Planet
Ottawa Humane Society / Flickr

The Trump Administration won't be remembered for being kind to animals.

In 2018, it launched a new effort to reinstate cruel hunting practices in Alaska that had been outlawed under Obama. Hunters will be able to shoot hibernating bear cubs, murder wolf and coyote cubs while in their dens, and use dogs to hunt black bears.

Efforts to end animal cruelty by the USDA have been curtailed as well. In 2016, under the Obama Administration, the USDA issued 4,944 animal welfare citations, in two years the numbers dropped to just 1,716.

Keep Reading Show less

The disappearance of 40-year-old mortgage broker William Earl Moldt remained a mystery for 22 years because the technology used to find him hadn't been developed yet.

Moldt was reported missing on November 8, 1997. He had left a nightclub around 11 p.m. where he had been drinking. He wasn't known as a heavy drinker and witnesses at the bar said he didn't seem intoxicated when he left.

Keep Reading Show less
via Real Time with Bill Maher / YouTube and The Late Late Show with James Corden / YouTube

A controversial editorial on America's obesity epidemic and healthcare by comedian Bill Maher on his HBO show "Real Time" inspired a thoughtful, and funny, response by James Cordon. It also made for a great debate about healthcare that Americans are avoiding.

At the end of the September 6th episode of "Real Time, " Maher turned to the camera for his usual editorial and discussed how obesity is a huge part of the healthcare debate that no one is having.

"At Next Thursday's debate, one of the candidates has to say, 'The problem with our healthcare system is Americans eat shit and too much of it.' All the candidates will mention their health plans but no one will bring up the key factor: the citizens don't lift a finger to help," Maher said sternly.

Keep Reading Show less
via Gage Skidmore

The common stereotypes about liberals and conservatives are that liberals are bleeding hearts and conservatives are cold-hearted.

It makes sense, conservatives want limited government and to cut social programs that help the more vulnerable members of society. Whereas liberals don't mind paying a few more dollars in taxes to help the unfortunate.

A recent study out of Belgium scientifically supports the notion that people who scored lower on emotional ability tests tend to have right-wing and racist views.

Keep Reading Show less