This is a really difficult conversation and it doesn’t have to be. Western civilization has dropped the ball when it comes to talking about death. We spend the majority of our lives completely failing to acknowledge this process until it slams us in the heart and face.
We’re all heading to this exact spot, trudging down a path with our loved ones. Most of us have lost at least one person that broke our hearts and, odds are, it’s a lot more than that. Repression and denial are favorites for many of us navigating this challenge, but it’s not the healthiest choice. For those avoiding a family member or close friend that’s not going to be with us much longer, here are some suggestions for a more powerful and wonderful experience.
The first and maybe most obvious thing to recognize is that this is happening. No pretending or denial is going to change that it is.
Host a celebration of life party
In the video above, Hosting My Living Funeral, a short film documentary about a young woman dying from a rare form of ovarian cancer, her friends and family come together to celebrate her life and share time. They eat together and talk together and share the joy and pain together. It’s a beautiful thing. This film carries a very powerful message about the beauty to be found when we accept what is happening and hold space together.
One man even threw himself a “pre-funeral” party with the same idea. He and his loved ones had a time that was both joyous and melancholy, holding both in sacred space.
Help them say goodbye or make amends
We all make mistakes over the course of our lives. Some of these things we get to make right and others have been pushed to the side and forgotten. When someone is nearing the end of their life, these things may come up and cause intense emotional pain.
Having personally made amends to people I have wronged in my own life, I can’t recommend the process enough. It’s a powerful tool to lighten the burden of regret. Sometimes some encouragement and open ended support will assist your terminal loved ones ability to take action here. Help them make peace if they want to. Help facilitate it. Support them without judgement.
Record their wisdom
Get a camcorder or pick up any smartphone and record them. Learn about the successes and pitfalls they’ve encountered over the course of their lives. It’s a powerful opportunity for them to share what they’re going through and to say goodbye to their loved ones. By recording their stories it helps them affirm their life had deep meaning and their memory will live on.
When my brother passed away over 20 years ago now, my sister made a bookmark out of something he said: “Lessons I’ve learned: Love life and love and put faith in your fellow man. Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” – John H.
I unfortunately had never talked to him about any of this and his message blew me away. I still own the bookmark today.
Spend quality time
This might seem the scariest option or, perhaps, it will be the most welcome. You can just sit with them without distraction and let them talk about whatever they want. Some people will be afraid when the end is near. They won’t want to be alone. Perhaps the circle of friends and loved ones is smaller because people are afraid themselves and pull away. Here are some suggestions by the National Institute on Aging:
-Provide physical contact: Hold their hands or give them a gentle massage.
-Set a comforting mood: Use soft lighting and perhaps play relaxing music.
-Be present: Talk to them or read to them. Listen attentively because your presence can be the greatest gift
Connection is one of the most powerful adventures of the human condition. When someone is dying, making time for them and being kind and genuine is an experience that shouldn’t be missed.
