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Spring Cleaning: My Cell Contacts

A writer purges the lost, obsolete and forgotten members of her cell phone directory.

My cell phone contacts list is a cringe-inducing time portal.

I never delete anyone, mostly out of some deranged fear that someone whose number I have will become the next Lady Gaga and I’ll de?nitely want to call them.

In the spirit of spring cleaning, I decided to look through all my numbers for the very ?rst time. It took 36 minutes and 11 seconds.

Here’s a complete list of everyone I chose to purge:

  • Andie??
  • A woman who works at my alma mater and who calls me about alumni stuff.
  • Ex-boyfriend from summer before college who sucks.
  • A girl I was friends with in middle school.
  • A girl I was never really friends with in high school.
  • A girl from my college comedy troupe who fell off the face of the Earth.
  • An amazing pizza place by my old apartment in Boston that I was actually sad to delete from my phone.
  • A guy I hung out with for one day two summers ago who was visiting my friend in the city and she got busy and passed him off to me.
  • A guy I met on OKCupid who looked like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, but acted like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 10 Things I Hate About You.
  • An old co-worker.
  • An old boss.
  • An old employee who was ?akey.
  • A really cool kid who I hung out with in college and everyone thought was uncomfortable with being gay.
  • A Boston comic.
  • A New York comic.
  • I think this person is a comic but I can’t remember.
  • A comic I deleted from Facebook because he’s a misogynist (yet somehow I still had his number).
  • A female NYU student I hooked up with at a queer 1950s party and then never called.
  • A friend from Israel Birthright.
  • My friend’s boyfriend.
  • A female friend of my ex-boyfriend.
  • An old co-worker who randomly decided to hate me, for which I never got an explanation.
  • Brooke??
  • “Pierre French Dude from Franklin Park bar”
  • A girl I had class with once.
  • A girl who trained me at my old job.
  • A girl who dated my ex.
  • This rich girl I knew in college.
  • A rich douchebag I knew in high school who got fat.
  • Some graphic designer.
  • Camp friend who Internet-stalks me.
  • Really good friend from childhood and high school who I wish I was still in touch with, but probably wouldn’t even know how to talk to now. Kind of pains me to delete this one.
  • A high school friend who hooked up with both my friend and my sister.
  • A guy I hooked up with at a hotel party.
  • A girl I met on OKCupid.
  • Jillian??
  • My old editor.
  • An old professor who I’d probably just contact on Facebook if I wanted to talk.
  • My old boss who had a lot of health problems. Hope he’s okay.
  • High school friend who joined the Israeli army.
  • A random email address.
  • A guy I took an improv class with.
  • Childhood friend who I lost touch with and who got married. Tried to get back in touch, but I honestly think it would be too hard to see him.
  • A photographer I worked with.
  • A source for a story who lives in LA.
  • A source for a story who lives in NYC.
  • A source for a story who hates me now, and I deserve it.
  • Alex M??
  • Nicole??
  • Meghan??
  • Guy from college I thought was cute, but who never noticed me.
  • Friend from freshman year who transferred.
  • Friend from improv class.
  • Comedy friend who came out as a lesbian and then disappeared.
  • Editor of a lesbian blog I was going to write for.
  • Semi-famous musician, friend of ex-boyfriend.
  • Older guy I was hooking up with three years ago, with whom I should not have been hooking up.
  • My old wireless password from two apartments ago.
  • The cab driver who took me home from my job every day three years ago, who was awesome. (I might keep this one.)
  • Three cab companies in Boston.
  • Two taxi companies in NY.
  • LAX Transportation.
  • A realtor.
  • A college drug dealer.
  • Duane Reade.
  • A friend from a high school abroad program.
  • A friend from summer camp who lost his mind, dropped out of the Ivy League and moved to the South to make music.
  • A rapper I was going to interview.
  • Sean??
  • The Sun-Sentinel News Room
  • Shauna??
  • An electronic DJ.
  • Simeon??
  • Very sweet, young Indian guy who sublet my apartment.
  • Guy I lost my virginity to.
  • First girl crush, who is engaged to a dude now.
  • A tattoo parlor in Brooklyn.
  • A dermatologist.
  • Torey??
  • A Canadian guy I went to college with.
  • A gay guy I went to college with.
  • Vinny??
  • My childhood best friend’s home.
  • My childhood best friend’s dad.
  • Whitney??
  • An old roommate who had OCD.
  • An old co-worker at an internship.
  • My grandfather, who passed away a year ago.
  • \n

Photo via (cc) Flickr user Andrew St. Clair

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