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Stephen Hawking Says You Still Have a Chance to be With Zayn Malik (in an Alternative Universe)

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Stephen Hawking availed himself to the passions of millions of teenage fans (and some adult ones too, speaking for myself) when he told a crowd at the Syndey Opera House on Sunday that there just might be an alternate universe out there in which Zayn Malik is still a member of One Direction. Hawking, who appeared in HOLOGRAPHIC FORM from his home at Cambridge University, answered a bunch of boring science questions about the fate of the human race before someone finally asked him the only important question relevant to our current state as sentient beings on a slowly dying planet.


“What do you think is the cosmological effect of Zayn leaving One Direction and consequently breaking the hearts of millions of teenage girls across the world?” queried the audience member, speaking on behalf of teens everywhere.

What Hawking said next will provide you with the last kernel of hope and warmth available to us in a world as cruel and heartless as the one that cast Zayn Malik out of what is objectively the world’s best musical group.

“My advice to any heartbroken young girl is to pay close attention to the study of theoretical physics,” said Hawking. “Because one day there may well be proof of multiple universes. It would not be beyond the realms of possibility that somewhere outside of our own universe lies another different universe. And in that universe, Zayn is still in One Direction.”

But wait, there’s more.

“This girl may like to know that in another possible universe, she and Zayn are happily married,” added Hawking, triggering embolisms all around the world.

Hawking said some other stuff, too, like the fact there are only 1,000 livable years left on earth, but everything else he said that night is deemed inconsequential in the face of this far more important 1D-related revelation.

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