9 Other Men And Assorted Objects Who Would Make A Better ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Than Blake Shelton

With Shelton’s homophobic and racist baggage, there are plenty of sexier options.

Blake Shelton was named People's “Sexiest Man Alive,” and the people are pissed. The problem? A lot of folks, apparently, don't find Shelton terribly attractive.

Photo by Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images.

That's both OK and a little unfair to the good people at People. Some people like a gravelly voice, a little bit of stubble, and some hair gel. Others prefer that their Sexiest Man Alive not look like the love child of James Lipton and a muddy tire.

Human attraction is a deep, metaphysical mystery, and to each his own. If the artist responsible for “Hillbilly Bone” is the peak living male physical specimen in People's book, more power to them.

But sexiness? That's the totality of a person. And the totality of Blake Shelton is ... a little fuzzy, considering his history of homophobic, xenophobic, and Islamophobic public comments.

Looks are one thing. But when you consider words too, it's clear there were indeed some better choices out there. They're all over the place, in fact. Here are just a few of them.

1. Ryan Gosling

Photo by Gabriel Bouys/Getty Images.

Let's get the obvious one out of the way first. Ryan Gosling is obviously an extremely sexy man. Sexier than Blake Shelton? Is water more refreshing than motor oil? Who can say? The point is, Gosling has never publicly accused a strange Muslim man of being a terrorist on Twitter. Blake Shelton has. Minus 1,000 sexy points to Shelton.

2. Chiwetel Ejiofor

Photo by Vivien Killilea/Getty Images.

In addition to his roguish smile, his rock-hard jawline, and all-around good looks, Ejiofor is a titan of stage and screen, having been nominated for an Academy Award for his richly nuanced portrayal of Solomon Northup in “10 Years a Slave.”

Blake Shelton once wrote the following sentence: “Question for my gay followers. Are Skittles y'all's favorite candy?”

Edge: Ejiofor.

3. Forest Whitaker

Photo by Tim P. Whitby/Getty Images.

While Whitaker is a few years past the median age for the honor, he has never taken to Twitter to remind his ex she's a “fat, ugly bitch” 14 years after their breakup, a real thing Blake Shelton did in 2009. Not doing that is super sexy.

Whitaker: 1. Shelton: 0.

4. Jan Egeland

Photo by Mohammed Huwais/Getty Images.

While not a traditional candidate for the honor, the Norwegian politician helped negotiate the 1993 Oslo I peace accord between Israel and the PLO and is one of the world's leading experts in delivering relief to displaced people around the globe. Unlike Shelton, he has not tweeted that you can tell who is gay based on what drink they order at Starbucks.

5. Your coworker, probably a guy named Brett or something

Photo by Nicole De Khors/Burst.

Brett is deputy VP of sales at the company where you work. He's a little dismissive and kind of a mansplainer, but he's reasonably cute and also would never yell at an airport shuttle bus driver for not being able to speak a “FUCKING word of English.” (Shelton, at a minimum, really, really wanted to do this once.)

6. Brett's assistant Craig

Photo by curtis_creative/iStock.

Craig isn’t the most conventionally attractive man in the world. He’s not even the most conventionally attractive man in the office (hey, Brett). But he’s also never insinuated that all gay men are turned on by cucumbers as Shelton once did.

7. A piñata

Photo by Eric Chan/Flickr.

Cons: Shaped like a donkey and made of cardboard and feathers.

Pros: Never casually outed Richard Simmons on Twitter in service of the world's most tired joke. Which is a thing that People Magazine’s 2017 Sexiest Man Alive Blake Shelton actually did. For real.

8. A thumbs-down with a frowny face drawn on it

Photo by Gerd Altmann/Pixabay.

It's safe to assume that this thumb doesn't think much of Donald Trump, who Shelton once called a great guy who “says what he thinks.” You wouldn't take this thumb out on a date but nor would you take it out on a date only to start searching your handbag for a smoke bomb 30 seconds in.

9. This rock

Photo by Roger Griffith/Wikimedia Commons.

This rock is round and cold and doesn't have a face, but it also never threatened to beat any man who hit on it to a pulp. Shelton seriously went there once.

Cold, dead rock for Sexiest Man Alive 2017!


He photographed Nazi atrocities and buried the negatives. The unearthed images are unforgettable.

He risked his life to leave a "historical record of our martyrdom."

via Yad Vashem and Archive of Modern Conflict, 2007

In September 1939, the Nazis invaded Poland. By April 1940, the gates closed on the Lodz Ghetto, the second largest in the country after Warsaw.

Throughout the war, over 210,000 people would be imprisoned in Lodz.

Among those held captive was Henryk Ross. He was a Jewish sports photographer before the Nazi invasion and worked for the the ghetto's Department of Statistics during the war. As part of his official job, he took identification photos of the prisoners and propaganda shots of Lodz' textile and leather factories.

Keep Reading Show less
via Imgur

Every few years there's something that goes mega viral because people can't decide what it is.

There was the famous "is it blue and black, or white and gold" dress?

There was the audio recording that said either "yanny" or "Laurel."

Keep Reading Show less

Rochester NY Airport Security passing insulting notes to travelers caught on tape www.youtube.com

Neil Strassner was just passing through airport security, something he does on a weekly basis as part of his job. That's when a contract airport security employee handed him a small piece of folded cardboard. Strassner, 40, took the paper and continued on his way. He only paused when he heard the security employee shouting back at him, "You going to open the note?"

When he unfolded the small piece of paper, Strassner was greeted with an unprompted insult. "You ugly!!!"

According to Strassner, and in newly released CCTV of the incident, the woman who handed him the note began laughing loudly.

Keep Reading Show less
Creative Commons

National Tell a Joke Day dates back to 1944 when President Franklin Delano Roosevelt was having a meeting with Vice-President, Henry Wallace. The two men were tired and depressed due to the stress caused by leading a country through world war.

During a lull in the meeting, Wallace said, "Frank, to cheer you up I have a joke I'd like to share."

"Let's have it, Henry," Roosevelt replied while ashing his cigarette.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Wallace asked. "Not sure," Roosevelt replied.

"To get to the other side," Wallace responded.

Roosevelt laughed so hard that the bourbon he was drinking sprayed out of his nose and onto the floor of the oval office.

Keep Reading Show less
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Coal mining is on the decline, leaving many coal miners in West Virginia without jobs. The Mine Safety and Health Administration says there are about 55,000 positions, and just 13,000 of those jobs are in West Virginia. The dwindling amount of work is leaving some struggling to make a living, but the Appalachian Beekeeping Collective is giving those coal miners a way to find new jobs and make a supplemental income as coal mining diminishes.

The Appalachian Beekeeping Collective trains coal miners and other low-income residents in mining communities to keep bees. Some coal miners are getting retrained to work in the tech industry, however beekeeping allows coal miners to continue to work in a job that requires a similar skill set. "The older folks want to get back to work, but mining is never going to be like it was in the '60s and '70s, and there is nothing to fall back on, no other big industries here, so all of these folks need retraining," former coal miner James Scyphers told NPR. "Beekeeping is hands-on work, like mining, and requires on-the-job training. You need a good work ethic for both."

Keep Reading Show less