The GOP One-Ups Itself With an Alleged Sex Scandal

Here comes the “Cuban Mistress Crisis.”

Photo via (cc) Flicker user Gage Skidmore

Bernie and Hillary are boring. The only real drama they’ve been able to muster are a few jabs about Hillary’s connection to Wall Street and a little kerfuffle over Bernie’s poor math skills. By comparison, on the super-exciting GOP side, Ben Carson bragged about stabbing a guy, the size of “little Donald” was debated, Chris Christie was held hostage, and Mitt Romney called Trump a con man.

Let’s also not forget the violence, menstruation talk, racism, xenophobia, and general widespread panic that has consumed the Republican Party. But one thing has been glaringly absent from the election: a good ol’-fashioned sex scandal. With today’s bombshell in the National Enquirer, dubbed the “Cuban Mistress Crisis,” the news networks may get the final piece that launches this election cycle into the sensationalist stratosphere.

In today’s issue of the National Enquirer, a source identified as a “Washington insider” reveals that “private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had.” No names have come out, but the alleged women include a sex worker, political consultant, and D.C. attorney. Although the Enquirer is essentially a tabloid, it has generated high-profile news in the past, breaking the John Edwards, Gary Hart, and Tiger Woods sex scandals. Adding further credibility to the paper’s story, reports indicate that conservative news group Breitbart has known of the scandal since February but sat on the information.

Cruz has come out swinging against reports of his extramarital affairs, saying that they are “complete and utter lies. It is a tabloid smear and it is a smear that has come from Donald Trump and his henchmen.” Trump resoded by denying any involvement and said, “unlike Lyin’ Ted Cruz I do not surround myself with political hacks and henchman and then pretend total innocence.” Trump also believes that the Enquirer may be onto something. “Ted Cruz’s problem with The National Enquirer is his and his alone, and while they were right about O.J. Simpson, John Edwards, and many others, I certainly hope they are not right about Lyin’ Ted Cruz.”

The allegations could be false so it’s important not to judge until the facts are clear. But if the reports are true, Cruz would be another in a long line of evangelical politicians who have fallen short of God’s glory after being sabotaged by their loins.

Screenshot via (left) Wikimedia Commons (right)

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