Many people believe that a total lack of conflict is the hallmark of a perfect relationship. However, relationship experts are now suggesting that the “sweet spot” for a healthy marriage involves much more frequent disagreements than most couples realize. While the average pair might only have two or three significant arguments per month, new research is sparking a conversation about why upping that frequency could actually save your relationship.
According to a report by The Healthy Marriage, most couples are likely not arguing enough. Experts believe that engaging in about two arguments every week can provide a massive boost to a relationship’s long-term health. The key, however, lies in how those arguments are defined and conducted.
The Basics
What is an argument? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines an argument as, “a coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view.” Notice it doesn’t say, hysterical people trying to intimidate and abuse one another with the intention of causing emotional harm.
Robert Menuet, LCSW a relationship therapist in Louisianna, states there is a healthy and unhealthy way to have an argument. Unhealthy arguing involves: constant negativity, personal attacks, threats, name-calling, and stonewalling (which is one person refusing to participate in the conversation.) Healthy arguments involve: a focus on specific issues, active listening, compromise, apologies, an attempt for resolution, and willingness to understand your partners point of view.
You should be arguing more
Seeking confrontation for the sake of it is not the right idea. However, in an article by IDEAS.TED.COM they explain couples that believe arguments need to be avoided were surprisingly more aggressive, and the women were more depressed. Avoided confrontation means less communication, less happy, and less dedication to the relationship as time moves forward.
Embracing frequent low-stakes disagreements means fewer big confrontations. Conflict presents opportunities to improve upon the relationship. Secure Intimacy found that healthy arguments: reveal unmet needs, unclear boundaries, and hidden emotional wounds. Healthy fights deepen connection and improve intimacy. They help validate mutual respect and confirm values.
Why some couples are afraid to argue?
There are a lot of people out there avoiding confrontation and disagreements with their partners. Uncover, a health counseling service based in New York City, broke down some common causes for conflict avoidance. Here are a few of the important reasons:
1. Fear of confrontation – general discomfort with emotional escalations and attachment to past traumatic experiences.
2. Desire to maintain harmony – afraid issues can disrupt the peace and bring negative consequences.
3. Emotional discomfort – arguing can bring emotions like anger and sadness which they can try to shield themselves from experiencing.
4. Power imbalance – the person with less power may avoid conflict out of fear of retaliation.
5. Perceived threat to the relationship – belief issues jeopardize the stability of the relationship.
The big takeaway
Couples benefit from communication. Listening to your partner and seeing the best in them instead of the worst can help evolve and tighten a relationship. Repairing things that need addressing while still sharing empathy for one another can be uncomfortable. But, it is necessary to resolve issues that can bring resentment and eventual failure to a relationship. Arguing about small yet important details a couple times a week will strengthen the foundation of a relationship and make for long term success.
This article originally appeared last year.
