Learning how to build healthy relationships with our partners, friends, family, and communities is all part of the life-learning curve. There's the added bonus for some of us in becoming an animal guardian. Successful pet parenting is more than being a kind and involved owner. It's also setting healthy boundaries which can be a bit difficult for a co-dependent person. (If you're on high alert from the word "pet" instead of "family member," this article is perfect for you.)
Relationships have to be one of the most complicated parts of the human experience. It starts off simple with learning to share a plastic, yellow pale with another child in the sand box. It evolves into conflict mastery and relational awareness.
With our pets, however, our relationships are not on equal footing. We are in an ownership role with our pets, meaning the relationship has a different balance of power and influence. We feed them, give them a place to stay, arrange their lives around our schedules, and overall take care of them much like a parent does a child. When in that position, it can be dangerous to depend too heavily on the party that has no authority, power, or influence because, well, it's an animal.
Dog and woman hug.Image via Canva - Photo by Harbucks
If you find yourself in a co-dependent relationship with your pet, don't worry. There are ways to reverse the dynamic. Here are seven changes to make to cope with codependency and build a healthier relationship with your pet.
1) Understand the issue
"Why don't you like me?" media2.giphy.com
Psychology Today describes codependency as "relationship addiction" and lists the following behaviors as tell-tale signs that your attachment to another being is unhealthy:
- Difficulty setting boundaries,
- Prioritizing others over self,
- Fear of rejection or abandonment,
- Low self-esteem,
- Caretaker mentality,
- Difficulty identifying your own emotions,
- Anxiety in relationships
These are pretty clear cut with another human, but how does that relate to your pets? Here's a list of some inner dialogue or comments to match the behaviors that might suggest a problem:
- "That couch is for Lucy. She gets mad if anyone else sits on it so stay off it."
- "I can't make your baby shower on Saturday because Rose my hamster needs checkup."
- "Why doesn't Patches want to cuddle me now?"
- "I only walk Steve five times a day. I'm a horrible owner."
- "I know Cindy is a hermit crab, but she gets lonely. I can't leave her."
- "I only spent $200 on that dog bed, what's the big deal?"
If any of these statements sound like you, you might be a codependent pet parent, which can be dangerous for a handful of reasons. According to Parade, pet behaviorists highlight the following problematic outcomes of codependency with your pet:
- Your pet never learns how to be alone and won't be used to it if you have to be away for the day or night.
- Your pet will develop poor behaviors because you "can't" discipline them out of guilt. Basic training is totally lost.
- Your relationship can become disruptive to others when you insist on bringing your animal to busy restaurants, on public transportation, into stores, or along with you on dates or hangouts with friends.
2) Set clear boundaries
Animated, "SET BOUNDARIES" media2.giphy.com
Bear Hugs offers advice for setting boundaries that work for the pet and for you. Offering a family companion a cozy spot of their own can also mean having areas that are pet free like the bed or the couch. Pets have their own blankets so they don't use your clothes or bed spread. Maybe the family dog doesn't need their own chair at the dinner table. These aren't absolutes, but suggestions that most people can understand the reasoning behind.
You're allowed to watch your favorite TV show while the pet lays down for a minute. You don't have to pet the pet every waking moment. It can wait until you have time to give it the love and attention it deserves.
3) Establish a routine
Kitty cat, "Good morning." media1.giphy.com
You set the routine, not your pet. If you walk them, have a consistent time. Meals can be scheduled as well as play time. There can be exercise time, quiet time, and grooming time. Animals are happy to learn a pattern of events to which they will look forward. Petspiration writes, "Animals, much like humans, can experience anxiety and stress when faced with unpredictability. A consistent routine provides a sense of security for pets, allowing them to relax and feel safe in their environment."
These behaviors will work well for your pet and for you. Knowing and sticking to the routine can free up your mental space to focus on your own wants and needs.
4) Focus on your own needs
Michael Jordan, "Stop it. Get some help." media2.giphy.com
This might feel crazy simple or extremely challenging, depending on your perspective. Sometimes the best actions we can take for ourselves are ones we don't want to or don't think to do. Psychology Today shares that lack of social connection can be more dangerous to your health than obesity, lack of exercise, and smoking. These feelings can drive us to our pets instead of human interaction.
Pets are amazing support in our lives. However, a pet cannot give advice. A pet cannot understand work stress or family dynamic challenges. Humans can empathize with our situations and offer experience and hope for solution. Hug your pet. Love your pet. Get help from friends and professionals.
5) Seek support
We can help each other. media1.giphy.com
Maybe you're a bit embarrassed about how attached you are to your pet, but you're not alone. Lots of people develop codependent relationships with their animals, which means there are people out there who know exactly what you're going through. Seeking a support group can offer encouragement and foster positive change in your life. In a 2021 Camp Bow Wow blog, writer Erin Askeland, CBCC-KA, CPDT-KA cites a report titled "Better Cities for Pets Program Report: 'Pets in a Pandemic'" which found that after the pandemic, "75% of pet owners feel anxiety about having to leave their pet to return to “normal” or go back to the office, travel, etc. and 78% of pet owners are worried about their pet’s anxiety or confusion over their owner returning to work or leaving them alone."
This is a real problem for people and their pets. Seeking support is a great way to tackle and solve it.
6) Avoid anthropomorphism
A bluegrass dog band. media1.giphy.com
According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, anthropomorphism is "an interpretation of what is not human or personal in terms of human or personal characteristics: humanization." Within this scenario of owner and pet, it means giving human characteristics and emotions to your household animal.
Knowing exactly what your dog is feeling can be difficult. The misreading of cues can put the animals and people at risk. In a 2023 study entitled "Owner's Beliefs regarding the Emotional Capabilities of Their Dogs and Cats," The National Library of Medicine writes,
"For example, the reported sources of behavioral cues for detecting guilt/shame in dogs were ‘head posture’, ‘body posture’, and ‘eye contact’, with the most likely scenario being a dog that is holding its head low, contracting its body and avoiding eye contact. In fact, these behaviors are typically associated with a fearful, deferent, or submissive dog, and so scolding the dog when he exhibits these behaviors may exacerbate the dog’s fear/anxiety and have a negative impact on its welfare. Humanization can also increase the risk to humans, as it increases the likelihood of people ignoring signs of discomfort or putting their dog in situations they cannot cope with, believing that their dog would never hurt them."
7) Celebrate the small wins
Celebrating with a happy dance. media0.giphy.com
The healing process can often be slow and difficult. Codependency is a very emotional experience that often wraps itself in the roots of self-esteem. It takes time to rewire habits and build self-worth when navigating feelings of shame and inner criticism. In her blog, "The Importance of Celebrating Small Wins During Trauma Recovery," Gabriele Hilberg, a psychotherapist and international seminar leader writes, "Celebrating small wins isn’t about pretending everything is okay; it’s about honoring your effort, resilience, and growth, one step at a time."
Every pet deserves an owner who truly loves them and dedicates a portion of their lives to make them happy. Pets give us so much genuine love and comfort back, after all. However, it's important that we recognize a balance in the relationship. We don't have to make an amazing experience one that completely wears us out.
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Hands massage a woman's jaw.Canva
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FDA approved. 
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Why do some folks use social media but don't engage?
Psychologist says people who never comment on social media share these 5 positive traits
For over 20 years, social media has developed into a staple in many people’s day-to-day lives. Whether it’s to keep in communication with friends and family, following the thoughts of celebrities, or watching cat videos while sipping your morning coffee, there seem to be two types of social media users: commenters and lurkers.
The term “lurker” sounds equally mysterious and insidious, with some social media users writing them off as non-participants at best or voyeurs at worst. However, mindfulness expert Lachlan Brown believes these non-commenters have some very psychologically positive and healthy traits. Let’s take a look at how each one of these traits could be beneficial and see how fruitful lurking might be even though it can drive content creators crazy.
1. Cautious about vulnerability
Consciously or not, making a post online or commenting on one puts you and your words out there. It’s a statement that everyone can see, even if it’s as simple as clicking “like.” Doing so opens yourself up to judgment, with all the good, bad, and potential misinterpretation that comes with it. Non-commenters would rather not open themselves up to that.
These silent users are connected to a concept of self-protection by simply not engaging. By just scrolling past posts or just reading/watching them without commentary, they’re preventing themselves from any downsides of sharing an opinion such as rejection, misunderstanding, or embarrassment. They also have more control on how much of themselves they’re willing to reveal to the general public, and tend to be more open face-to-face or during one-on-one/one-on-few private chats or DMs. This can be seen as a healthy boundary and prevents unnecessary exposure.
Considering many comment sections, especially involving political topics, are meant to stir negative emotional responses to increase engagement, being extra mindful about where, when, and what you comment might not be a bad idea. They might not even take the engagement bait at all. Or if they see a friend of theirs post something vulnerable, they feel more motivated to engage with them personally one-on-one rather than use social media to publicly check in on them.
2. Analytical and reflective mindset
How many times have you gone onto Reddit, YouTube, or any other site and just skimmed past comments that are just different versions of “yes, and,” “no, but,” or “yes, but”? Or the ever insightful, formerly popular comment “First!” in a thread? These silent browsers lean against adding to such noise unless they have some valid and thoughtful contribution (if they bother to comment period).
These non-posters are likely wired on reflective thinking rather than their initial intuition. Not to say that all those who comment aren’t thoughtful, but many tend to react quickly and comment based on their initial feelings rather than absorbing the information, thinking it over, researching or testing their belief, and then posting it. For "lurkers," it could by their very nature to just do all of that and not post it at all, or share their thoughts and findings privately with a friend. All in all, it’s a preference of substance over speed.
3. High sense of self-awareness
Carried over from the first two listed traits, these silent social media users incorporate their concern over their vulnerability and their reflective mindset into digital self-awareness. They know what triggers responses out of them and what causes them to engage in impulsive behavior. It could be that they have engaged with a troll in the past and felt foolish. Or that they just felt sad after a post or got into an unnecessary argument that impacted them offline. By knowing themselves and seeing what’s being discussed, they choose to weigh their words carefully or just not participate at all. It’s a form of self-preservation through restraint.
4. Prefer to observe rather than perform
Some folks treat social media as information, entertainment, or a mix of both, and commenting can feel like they’re yelling at the TV, clapping alone in a movie theater when the credits roll, or yelling “That’s not true!” to a news anchor that will never hear them. But contrary to that, social media is a place where those yells, claps, and accusations can be seen and get a response. By its design, social media is considered by experts and the media as performative, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Taking all of the previously mentioned traits into account, one can see why they would prefer to “observe the play” rather than get up on the stage of Facebook or X.
On top of that, these non-commenters could be using social media differently than those who choose to fully engage with it. Using this type of navigation, there may be nothing for them to comment about. Some commenters are even vying for this for their mental health. There are articles about how to better curate your social media feeds and manipulate algorithms to create a better social media experience to avoid unnecessary conflict or mentally tiring debate.
If you go on a blocking spree on all of your accounts and just follow the posters that boost you, it could turn your social media into a nice part of your routine as you mainly engage with others face-to-face or privately. In terms of commenting, if your curated Instagram is just following cute dogs and all you have to offer for a comment is “cute dog,” you might just enjoy the picture and then move on with your day rather than join in the noise. These non-commenters aren’t in the show and they’re fine with it.
5. Less motivated by social validation
The last trait that Brown showcases is that social media users who browse without posting tend to be independent from external validation, at least online. Social media is built to grow through feedback loops such as awarding likes, shares, and reposts of your content along with notifications letting you know that a new person follows you or wants to connect. This can lead many people to connect their activity on social media with their sense of self worth, especially with adolescents who are still figuring out their place in the world and have still-developing brains.
Engaging in social media via likes, shares, comments, and posts rewards our brains by having them release dopamine, which makes us feel good and can easily become addictive. For whatever reason, non-commenters don’t rely on social media as a means to gauge their social capital or self worth. This doesn’t make them better than those who do. While some non-commenters could have healthier ways to boost their self worth or release dopamine into their systems, many get that validation from equally unhealthy sources offline. That said, many non-commenters’ silence could be a display of independence and self confidence.
Whether you frequently comment online or don’t, it’s good to understand why you do or don’t. Analyzing your habits can help you determine whether your online engagement is healthy, or needs to be tweaked. With that information, you can then create a healthy social media experience that works for you.