GOOD

Buy You a Drink: Cocktails for Kenny Powers, Fictional Foul-Mouthed Fireballer Drinks for Kenny Powers of Eastbound & Down

Drink to the return of Eastbound & Down with these three cocktails.


\n
Welcome to Buy You a Drink, the weekly column in which GOOD’s resident mixologist offers a drink to prominent newsmakers, real and fictional. This week: Eastbound & Down jet-ski enthusiast and renowned poonhound Kenny F. Powers. Fair warning: The “F” stands for “Fucking.” We’ll be working a little bluer than usual this week, due to the nature of the column’s subject. As they say on the TV, viewer discretion is advised.

Let me tell you about the most Kenny Powers moment I’ve ever witnessed. At a classy hotel bar in San Diego last weekend, a local man stood up near my table, teetered ever so briefly, then fell straight backward into a bar stool, breaking his head open on the wooden crossbar connecting the stool’s legs. Picture this poor dude, but without the steps. Dude shouted “I’m ok!”, but the blood oozing over his collar said otherwise. Paramedics arrived. They had questions. Would he please consent to hospital care? He would not. What was he doing that night? Drinking. What did they fucking think? Who is the President? “That asshole.” Would he please wait there while the paramedics called a doctor? “Have they called last call? I’d rather just order another drink.”

This impressive display of not-giving-a-fuck in the face of civil authorities, medical exigency, and overall decorum reminded me that Eastbound & Down is back for a third season. We all get seven more opportunities to witness Danny McBride’s masterful performance as Kenny Powers, a washed-up pitcher who acts and speaks in ways ordinarily reserved for crotchety old drunks and/or people with gaping head wounds. Because seeing Kenny Fucking Powers yell, carouse, and tell people off is substantially more entertaining than pitying the recently concussed, I’d like to buy Mr. Powers a drink—or three.

The Call: Three Strikes and You’re Fuckin’ Out

Cocaine, ecstasy, anabolic steroids—Kenny Powers is interested in whatever intoxicants you put in front of him (See also The ODB). Yet I don’t see him as much of a cocktail guy. For one thing, it’s pretty much impossible to keep a Martini glass steady on a Jet Ski. I’d guess that Kenny is more of a fan of the simple poetry—sorry, the simple fucking poetry—of a shot and a beer.

In Kenny’s honor, I present three shot-and-beer combinations guaranteed to generate good times on the reg, whether you’re ringing in Season 3 or catching up with back episodes on Netflix.

The Bulletproof Tiger (Season 1)

1 ½ oz. George Dickel whiskey
Pint OMB Mecklenburger

Shoot the whiskey. Down the beer. What the fuck else would you do?

\n

To commemorate Kenny’s return to Shelby County as the series opens, pair a no-frills Tennessee whiskey with a light, Bavarian-style lager from North Carolina’s own Olde Mecklenburg Brewery. Think globally, drink locally. And all that shit.

If you’re determined to make a competitive sport out of drinking while catching up on Eastbound & Down, sip your OMB every time Kenny says something stronger than “dickhead” in the presence of civil authorities. Shoot your Dickel every time he curses around, or at, children.

Kenny Powders [sic], Mezcalero (Season 2)

1 1/2 oz. Del Maguey Pechuga Mezcal
Can Tecate

You know the drill.

\n

If you like mezcal, as I do, you can’t do much better than the single-village products distributed by Del Maguey. Everything with Del Maguey on the label is smoky, complex, and perfectly delicious, and Pechuga is no exception. I chose the Pechuga to celebrate Kenny’s Mexican Sojourn because it has the most willfully perverse Origin Myth: “In preparation for a third distillation they place about 75 liters of mezcal in the still and add about 25 lbs of wild mountain apples and plums, big red plantain bananas, pineapples, a handful of almonds and a few pounds of uncooked white rice. Next, a whole chicken breast, skin removed, bone structure complete, is washed in running water for about three hours to remove any grease. This is then suspended by strings in the atmosphere of the still and a 24 hour, third distillation is begun.”

How do you say no to a chicken-breast-distilled agave liquor? How do you write a column about Kenny Powers without mentioning breasts at least once? You fuckin’ don’t. That’s how.

Scoring at home? Sip your Tecate every time Kenny makes a half-assed effort at Spanglish. Toss back a mezcal every time Vida inspires Kenny, or anyone else, to use a synonym for “ass.”

Undersea Heat (Season 3)

1 ½ oz. Southern Comfort Fiery Pepper
One pint Natural Light

\n

Drop the SoCo into the beer. Is it high-proof enough to light it on fire first? Do you want to add a splash of 151 to guarantee ignition? I genuinely do not give a fuck.

\n

All I know about Season 3 is that Kenny is in South Carolina, playing for a team called the “Myrtle Beach Mermen.” All I know about Myrtle Beach is that it contains a burger joint that serves only one beer on tap—Natty Light, friend to college freshmen everywhere. Four dollars for a “huge glass.” That strikes me as suitably Powersian, as does the literal-minded idea of submerging a “hot” spirit in one’s watery beer.

A word to the wise: while we usually test every drink rigorously before including it in Buy You a Drink, I have no idea whether this combination would be terrific or godawful. But I am confident of this much: Like Kenny Powers himself, the Undersea Heat is cheap, crude, and desperate to get you drunk. What could possibly go wrong?

Tell us all the things that went wrong at mixologymailbag@gmail.com. GOOD disclaims all liability. Please drink responsibly. Head wounds are some serious shit, y’all.

Articles

Some beauty pageants, like the Miss America competition, have done away with the swimsuit portions of the competitions, thus dipping their toes in the 21st century. Other aspects of beauty pageants remain stuck in the 1950s, and we're not even talking about the whole "judging women mostly on their looks" thing. One beauty pageant winner was disqualified for being a mom, as if you can't be beautiful after you've had a kid. Now she's trying to get the Miss World competition to update their rules.

Veronika Didusenko won the Miss Ukraine pageant in 2018. After four days, she was disqualified because pageant officials found out she was a mom to 5-year-old son Alex, and had been married. Didusenko said she had been aware of Miss World's rule barring mother from competing, but was encouraged to compete anyways by pageant organizers.

Keep Reading Show less

One mystery in our universe is a step closer to being solved. NASA's Parker Solar Probe launched last year to help scientists understand the sun. Now, it has returned its first findings. Four papers were published in the journal Nature detailing the findings of Parker's first two flybys. It's one small step for a solar probe, one giant leap for mankind.



It is astounding that we've advanced to the point where we've managed to build a probe capable of flying within 15 million miles from the surface of the sun, but here we are. Parker can withstand temperatures of up to 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit and travels at 430,000 miles per hour. It's the fastest human-made vehicle, and no other human-made object has been so close to the sun.

Keep Reading Show less
via Sportstreambest / Flickr

Since the mid '90s the phrase "God Forgives, Brothers Don't" has been part of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point's football team's lexicon.

Over the past few years, the team has taken the field flying a black skull-and-crossbones flag with an acronym for the phrase, "GFBD" on the skull's upper lip. Supporters of the team also use it on social media as #GFBD.

Keep Reading Show less
Culture