Trumpian Cocktails To Help You Survive The State Of The Union

Congratulations! You look like you could use a drink.

Today marks President Trump’s first state of the union address. No matter which side of the political aisle you find yourself on, you could probably use a drink right about now. We asked LA-based artist and mixologist Steph Russ—author of ENERGY: Cocktails to Get You UP— to craft some creative Trumpian cocktails, to commemorate making it this far.

Global Warm-Up

2 ounces rum
1 ounce lemon juice
½ teaspoon activated charcoal
1 chunk dry ice
Sugar, to taste

Pour all ingredients into a goblet over dry ice. Serve as black smoke begins to billow over the cup’s edge. Enjoy with soda, beans, chewing gum, and milk. Warning: Will likely cause excess gas.

FBI Leak

2 ounces vodka
1 ounce Kahlúa
1 ounce heavy cream

Fittingly, the FBI Leak is a White Russian, served up in a plastic bag full of holes. Pour all ingredients into the bag, making sure to cover the punctures. When ready—release! Drink whatever you can as fast as you can, before all evidence disappears.

Bannon’s Brew

3 ounces moonshine
2 ounces heavy cream
1 egg white
Dash of bitters

Shake ingredients with ice until frothy, and serve in an Old-Fashioned glass. If the cream causes other ingredients to separate or curdle, that’s to be expected. This all-white cocktail will taste like milky garbage, and we do not recommend actually drinking it.

Alternative Facts

2 ounces light rum
1 ounce dark rum
2 ounces milk
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Dash of bitters
Dash of salt
Garnish with maraschino cherries, pineapple chunks, and lime

A Trump-inspired cocktail list wouldn’t be complete without a drink designed for deception. Welcome to the alt-piña colada. While the Alternative Facts resembles the classic, refreshing tropical treat, it’s actually quite bitter, salty, and tangy in flavor. Shake all ingredients over ice and serve in a tiki-inspired tumbler, conservatively topped with fruit. Recommended to serve any time you’re forced to discuss a task you’ve made no progress on and need to divert attention.

Cheeto Jesus

3 ounces Tang
1 ounce Sprite
Cheeto dust for rim of glass
Garnish with Cheetos and a lemon peel

Here’s a nonalcoholic cocktail designed for the child in everyone—particularly our elected officials—and is perfect for insolent youngsters and immature adults. Rim a martini glass with lemon juice, then crushed Cheetos. Blend the Tang with ice, like a smoothie, and pour into the glass. Top with Sprite for fizz. Garnish with plenty of Cheetos and the lemon peel. Excess is encouraged.

Barron’s Playplace

1 ½ ounces Stolichnaya Gold vodka
1 ½ ounces Patron Gold tequila
1 ounce Goldschläger
24 carat gold flake

This over-the-top, all-gold cocktail draws its inspiration from the decor at Trump’s opulent penthouse in Manhattan. We can’t promise this drink actually tastes good, but as they say, appearances are everything. Mix all ingredients and serve in a chilled champagne flute or the most ornate glass you have on hand.

Screenshot via (left) Wikimedia Commons (right)

Greta Thunberg has been dubbed the "Joan of Arc of climate change" for good reason. The 16-year-old activist embodies the courage and conviction of the unlikely underdog heroine, as well as the seemingly innate ability to lead a movement.

Thunberg has dedicated her young life to waking up the world to the climate crisis we face and cutting the crap that gets in the way of fixing it. Her speeches are a unique blend of calm rationality and no-holds-barred bluntness. She speaks truth to power, dispassionately and unflinchingly, and it is glorious.

Keep Reading Show less
The Planet
Ottawa Humane Society / Flickr

The Trump Administration won't be remembered for being kind to animals.

In 2018, it launched a new effort to reinstate cruel hunting practices in Alaska that had been outlawed under Obama. Hunters will be able to shoot hibernating bear cubs, murder wolf and coyote cubs while in their dens, and use dogs to hunt black bears.

Efforts to end animal cruelty by the USDA have been curtailed as well. In 2016, under the Obama Administration, the USDA issued 4,944 animal welfare citations, in two years the numbers dropped to just 1,716.

Keep Reading Show less

The disappearance of 40-year-old mortgage broker William Earl Moldt remained a mystery for 22 years because the technology used to find him hadn't been developed yet.

Moldt was reported missing on November 8, 1997. He had left a nightclub around 11 p.m. where he had been drinking. He wasn't known as a heavy drinker and witnesses at the bar said he didn't seem intoxicated when he left.

Keep Reading Show less
via Real Time with Bill Maher / YouTube and The Late Late Show with James Corden / YouTube

A controversial editorial on America's obesity epidemic and healthcare by comedian Bill Maher on his HBO show "Real Time" inspired a thoughtful, and funny, response by James Cordon. It also made for a great debate about healthcare that Americans are avoiding.

At the end of the September 6th episode of "Real Time, " Maher turned to the camera for his usual editorial and discussed how obesity is a huge part of the healthcare debate that no one is having.

"At Next Thursday's debate, one of the candidates has to say, 'The problem with our healthcare system is Americans eat shit and too much of it.' All the candidates will mention their health plans but no one will bring up the key factor: the citizens don't lift a finger to help," Maher said sternly.

Keep Reading Show less
via Gage Skidmore

The common stereotypes about liberals and conservatives are that liberals are bleeding hearts and conservatives are cold-hearted.

It makes sense, conservatives want limited government and to cut social programs that help the more vulnerable members of society. Whereas liberals don't mind paying a few more dollars in taxes to help the unfortunate.

A recent study out of Belgium scientifically supports the notion that people who scored lower on emotional ability tests tend to have right-wing and racist views.

Keep Reading Show less