It ain’t easy having all this privilege, fellas!
Oh man. The woman card. The woman card! It’s like the race card, except for women—you play it when you’re a disenfranchised demographic and you feel like whining about your problems. Or at least that’s how Donald Trump sees it!
After being rewarded for his behavior with five more primary victories on Tuesday, Trump had same highly intelligent words for his potential Democratic opposition in the presidential election he will almost surely be a part of: “Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing she’s got going is the woman’s card.”
In reaction to Trump’s comments, Alexandra Petri wrote a phenomenal opinion piece in the Washington Post called “How to play the ‘woman card’” that details all the special privileges your Woman Card grants you. She talks about all the unwanted attention your Woman Card will get you on mass transit, “unless you also remembered to bring your I Have A Boyfriend Card (they accept no substitutes).” And how when you have a Woman Card your reproductive rights are no longer your own, “Get ready to have a lot of things about your body explained to you,” adds Petri.
And perhaps best of all, when you’re a proud member of the Woman Card club you are automatically entitled to less money than the men you work right next to! I know you won’t believe me, because that sounds too good to be true, but just let Petri explain it to you: “It entitles you to a sizable discount on your earnings everywhere you go (average 21 percent, but can be anywhere from 9 percent to 37 percent, depending on what study you’re reading and what edition of the Woman Card you have.) If you shop with the Woman Card at the grocery, you will get to pay 11 percent more for all the same products as men, but now they are pink.” Form an orderly queue, gents!
Petri ends her article by saying that as she wrote it a man came up to her to give a few tips on how she could type faster. Thanks, man! And because the internet can be a great and glorious place—when it’s not a sewer of humanity—we were given #womancard. Twitter users large and small are posting about their Woman Card benefits, and the only thing their comments will make you do more than laugh is cry.
There’s the Beyonce #womancard approach:
Hillary's #womancard says "... smart enough to make these millions. Strong enough to bear the children. Then get back to business." Right?— Amie Myers (@Amie Myers) 1461779319
Bernie supporters are being all boring and intersectional with their #womancard reactions
The #womancard is awesome but every race, ethnicity & gender should be helped.. Not just a select group #FeministForBernie— Becca 🌹 (@Becca 🌹) 1461779323
Jealous men are curious to know more about the #womancard
Do u ladies get frequent flyer miles each time you use your #WomanCard? Is it only $.80 on the dollar vs what I get when I use my Man Card?— Dana Sciandra (@Dana Sciandra) 1461779332
Hillary’s Uterus lost her #womancard. Such a woman thing to do, amirite?
#WomanCard #DealMeIn #ImWithHer https://t.co/3s6UwgbSoH— HillzUterus (@HillzUterus) 1461779340
Fortunately, Democrats Abroad knows where Hillary’s Uterus should look to find it
If anyone's lost their #womancard, it's probably in @MittRomney's binder.— Democrats Abroad (@Democrats Abroad) 1461778392
Payscale has scary numbers about the financial realities of what a #womancard gets you, but numbers make our tender female heads hurt so nvrmnd
The #WomanCard: Get promoted to leadership roles less often and earn less $$$ when they do: https://t.co/TU1BuBz7Ri https://t.co/WPmea748bm— Payscale (@Payscale) 1461778458
Maybe you’re too old, Liz Garbus. Little known fact: Your #womancard expires on your Last Fuckable Day.
Women can get PhDs? (See Tessa Muggeridge for so much #womancard fire)
Black Girl Nerds had the amazing idea of introducing a #womancard rewards program
Does the #womancard work like a loyalty program where you get to redeem points?— Black Girl Nerds (@Black Girl Nerds) 1461778958
And then Felicia Day when the whole thread by suggesting a taco punch card (and for real, leave your taco jokes at home)
Suggestion for the woman card: I get a stamp every time I'm sexually harassed and after 10 I get a free taco!— Felicia Day🇺🇸 (@Felicia Day🇺🇸) 1461778908
But UltraViolet has the tweet that Donald Trump should really pay attention to, because if he doesn’t get enough Woman Cards to turn out for him in the general election he’ll amount to nothing more than a hemorrhoid scar on the white, middle-aged male ass of history.
Projection from @FiveThirtyEight on the electoral college if women refuse to vote for Trump. #womancard https://t.co/bKYBJx7HQ0— UltraViolet wants to #LiberateAbortion (@UltraViolet wants to #LiberateAbortion) 1461777062
Now get out there, ladies, and flash your women card at the Whole Foods so you can laugh alone with some salad and not vote for Donald Trump. In the next primary, or ever anywhere for any reason.