GOOD

Guns vs. Schools: The Onion Satirizes Our National Spending Priorities

What if a Congressional Budget Office mistake accidentally shifted $80 billion from defense to education?

The education funding crisis facing our nation's schools has caught the attention of The Onion. In a new piece, "Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students," their writers expertly skewer just how screwed up our national priorities really are—especially when it comes to defense funding and education funding.


Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a "huge mistake."

\n

And what is the response to this disastrous mistake—one that none of us can ever imagine happening in real life?

"Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible," said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error. "I want to apologize to the American people. The last thing we wanted was for schools to upgrade their technology and lower student-to-teacher ratios in hopes of raising a generation of well-educated, ambitious, and skilled young Americans."

\n

The piece goes on to make fun of House Speaker John Boehner, who's quoted as saying, "Once these kids learn to read and think critically, you can never undo that. In 20 years, we could be looking at a nightmare scenario in which vast segments of our populace are fully prepared to compete in the new global marketplace."

Unfortunately, the real-life impact of the financial crisis hitting our nation's schools is no joke.

State budgets are tight everywhere thanks to the economic downturn, and, sadly, the books are being balanced on the backs of schoolchildren. Just think, if $80 billion could be funneled from defense into education, we wouldn't have school districts planning a four-day school week, 30,000 teachers in California wouldn't be pink slipped, and kids wouldn't feel the need to empty their piggy banks to save teaching jobs.

photo (cc) via Flickr user Fibonacci Blue

Articles
via Jason S Campbell / Twitter

Conservative radio host Dennis Prager defended his use of the word "ki*e," on his show Thursday by insisting that people should be able to use the word ni**er as well.

It all started when a caller asked why he felt comfortable using the term "ki*e" while discussing bigotry while using the term "N-word" when referring to a slur against African-Americans.

Prager used the discussion to make the point that people are allowed to use anti-Jewish slurs but cannot use the N-word because "the Left" controls American culture.

Keep Reading
Politics

Step by step. 8 million steps actually. That is how recent college graduate and 22-year-old Sam Bencheghib approached his historic run across the United States. That is also how he believes we can all individually and together make a big impact on ridding the world of plastic waste.

Keep Reading
The Planet

According to the FBI, the number of sexual assaults reported during commercial flights have increased "at an alarming rate." There was a 66% increase in sexual assault on airplanes between 2014 and 2017. During that period, the number of opened FBI investigations into sexual assault on airplanes jumped from 38 to 63. And flight attendants have it worse. A survey conducted by the Association of Flight Attendants-CWA found that 70% of flight attendants had been sexually harassed while on the job, while only 7% reported it.

Keep Reading
Travel