GOOD

Jesus Juice: A Cocktail for Tim Tebow

On your knees! Spike a cream soda for Timmy Tebow.


Welcome to Buy You a Drink, where GOOD's resident mixologist offers a free libation to one thirsty newsmaker each week. This week: Tim Tebow.

Two impressively large white men spend their days atop a mountain, hoping heathens will look upon their majestic beauty and find faith: Christ the Redeemer of Rio de Janeiro, and Tim Tebow of Denver.


This season, Tebow is the NFL’s 130-foot soapstone statue, dominating the skyline and rendering agnosticism about his athletic and religious influence impossible. As Tebow’s on-field comeback wins pile up, and his meme-generating powers compound, even football atheists have divided themselves into warring factions of Tebowmaniacs and Tebowphobes.

Each side boasts some surprising members. You would expect Tebow’s own bosses to be firmly in the pro-Tebow camp, but Broncos Head Coach John Fox and General Manager John Elway refuse to make unqualified statements of support for their quarterback even as he stiff-arms the Broncos back into contention. Tebow may have single-handedly saved their jobs, but to hear Fox and Elway tell it, the Broncos would have been better off with the McCown brothers of the world, predictable mediocrities who impress scouts with their brute arm strength but disgust fans with their inability to win football games.

Elway is not the only previous Broncos QB to pile on: This week, Jake Plummer, a man not known for his outspoken opinions, hit Tebow square in the stigmata, telling a sports radio show: “I think that when [Tebow] accepts the fact that we know that he loves Jesus Christ, then I think I'll like him a little better.”

Count me among the unexpected Tebowmaniacs. Tebow’s sanctimonious championship runs irked me in college (particularly when he was running over Ohio State), and his Focus on the Family Super Bowl ad continues to gross me out. But I’ve been riveted by every minute of the Die Tebowlungen saga since his ascension to the NFL—including his pious response to Plummer.

As Dan LeBatard recently observed, every new Tebow development inflates the Tebow mythology even further, and somehow compels both his devotees and detractors to grip their convictions tighter than a string of rosary beads. Here’s a fun exercise: choose a historical figure, any figure, and see if you can’t analogize him or her to Tebow by cherry-picking the facts. “Tim Tebow is the John Bolton of quarterbacks: placed in an untenable position by cynical operators who openly root for him to fail, because the collapse of the entire institution to which he belongs would further their sinister agenda.” Or “Tim Tebow is the Joan of Arc of quarterbacks: called by God to lead men into battle, finding tremendous success by employing a combination of unexpected daring and unconventional tactics. Persecuted for his faith as soon as the wins stopped coming.” Look! Another meme!

This must be especially confusing for Tim Tebow. I’d like to buy him a drink.

The Call: Americana, Spiked.

I have no idea if Tebow is fond of a dram, but I’m sure that he can’t be seen (or worse, photographed) holding anything that will jeopardize his standing as hero to the Saving-Themselves-for-Jesus-or-a-Jonas set. We’ll need something that doesn’t look conspicuously boozy—perhaps something that can pose as an innocent ginger ale when the paparazzi (or proselytes) lurk nearby.

Tim the Redeemer:

2 oz. Leopold Bros. American Small Batch Whiskey
Cream soda (I used Fitz’s brand)

Pour whiskey into a tall glass filled with ice. Top with cream soda to taste. Garnish with an orange wheel. Sip with religious conviction.

I resisted the temptation to carry the soapstone sculpture thing further with a white whiskey as the base of this simple mixed drink, opting instead for something both delicious and geographically appropriate. Leopold Bros. distillery left Michigan—home of those sarcastic, sacrilegious bastards, the Detroit Lions—and made a pilgrimage westward. It is now based in Tebowtown itself, Denver.

The Leopold Bros. Small Batch is basic, grainy, almost wholesome tasting, like a boozy bowl of Wheaties. Mixing it with cream soda is like pouring sugar and milk on your cereal, and what could be more all-American than that? Other than football, that is. And public displays of affection for Jesus. And using a sports argument about a football player’s ability to succeed in an unconventional offense as a vehicle for discussing our deep-rooted national disagreements over the importance of religion in public life, what “progress” means in the 21st century, and how best to cope with the disintegrating myth of American exceptionalism.

Wait—I thought of another one: America is the Tim Tebow of countries: Big, thick, sunny in demeanor, and predominantly Christian. Allergic to finesse, and impervious to criticism. Prone to charging forward as a first resort. Coasting on last-minute victories, either oblivious to, or unable to correct, fundamental problems with mechanics.

It’s enough to drive a man down to one knee. Pour me another ginger ale, won’t you?

Photo via YouTube.com

Articles
Julian Meehan

Young leaders from around the world are gathering at the United Nations Headquarters in New York Saturday to address arguably the most urgent issue of our time. The Youth Climate Summit comes on the heels of an international strike spearheaded by Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate activist from Sweden, who arrived in New York via emissions-free sailboat earlier this month.

Translated from Swedish, "berg" means "mountain," so it may feel fated that a young woman with Viking blood in her veins and summit in her name would be at the helm. But let's go out on a limb and presume Thunberg, in keeping with most activists, would chafe at the notion of pre-ordained "destiny," and rightly so. Destiny is passive — it happens to you. It's also egomaniacal. Change, on the other hand, is active; you have to fight. And it is humble. "We need to get angry and understand what is at stake," Thunberg declared. "And then we need to transform that anger into action."

This new generation of activists' most pernicious enemy is denial. The people in charge — complacent politicians and corporation heads who grossly benefit from maintaining the status quo — are buffered from real-life consequences of climate change. But millions of people don't share that privilege. For them, climate change isn't an abstract concept, but a daily state of emergency, whether it comes in the form of "prolonged drought in sub-Saharan Africa…devastating tropical storms sweeping across Southeast Asia, the Caribbean and the Pacific…[or] heatwaves and wildfires," as Amnesty International reportsare all too real problems people are facing on a regular basis.

RELATED: Greta Thunberg urges people to turn to nature to combat climate change

Keep Reading Show less
The Planet

Millions of people in over 150 countries across the globe marched for lawmakers and corporations to take action to help stop climate change on Friday, September 20.

The Climate Strikes were organized by children around the world as an extension of the of the "Fridays for Future" campaign. Students have been walking out of classrooms on Fridays to speak out about political inaction surrounding the climate crisis.

"We need to act right now to stop burning fossil fuels and ensure a rapid energy revolution with equity, reparations and climate justice at its heart," organizers say.

There's no doubt the visual images from the marches send a powerful message to those on the ground but especially those watching from around the world. GOOD's own Gabriel Reilich was on the scene for the largest of the Climate Strikes. Here are 18 of the best signs from the Climate Strike march in New York City.

Keep Reading Show less

September 20th marks the beginning of a pivotal push for the future of our planet. The Global Climate Strike will set the stage for the United Nations Climate Action Summit, where more than 60 nations are expected to build upon their commitment to 2015's Paris Agreement for combating climate change.

Millions of people are expected to take part in an estimated 4,000 events across 130 countries.

Keep Reading Show less
The Planet
via Apple

When the iPhone 11 debuted on September 10, it was met with less enthusiasm than the usual iPhone release. A lot of techies are holding off purchasing the latest gadget until Apple releases a phone with 5G technology.

Major US phone carriers have yet to build out the infrastructure necessary to provide a consistent 5G experience, so Apple didn't feel it necessary to integrate the technology into its latest iPhone.

A dramatic new feature on the iPhone 11 Pro is its three camera lenses. The three lenses give users the the original wide, plus ultrawide and telephoto options.

Keep Reading Show less
Health
via I love butter / Flickr

We often dismiss our dreams as nonsensical dispatches from the mind while we're deep asleep. But recent research proves that our dreams can definitely affect our waking lives.

People often dream about their significant others and studies show it actually affects how we behave towads them the next day.

"A lot of people don't pay attention to their dreams and are unaware of the impact they have on their state of mind," said Dylan Selterman, psychology lecturer at the University of Maryland, says according to The Huffington Post. "Now we have evidence that there is this association."

Keep Reading Show less
Health