Culture

Amazing Highlights From The Anti-Gay, Total Pixar Knockoff Made By Jehovah’s Witnesses

by Jordan Crucchiola

May 5, 2016

A few days ago, the church of Jehovah’s Witness released a handy educational video to help kids and parents confront the icky issue of homosexuality. More specifically, it was produced by the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania, which is the nonprofit organization responsible for publishing the church’s faith-based literature.

Surely you’ve had a grandmotherly looking woman stop by your home with a cameo pin offering up copies of The Watchtower, so they’re the entity responsible for printing it. But since this is 2016 and even toddlers know how to operate mobile devices, the Witnesses have realized you can’t just hand out paperback brochures anymore and expect kids to care about your message. Kids love video and they love 3D animation, so why not incorporate those devices into your glossy new propaganda engine?

The video that’s making its way around the internet now is called “Lesson 22 One Man One Woman Matthew 19:4, 5” and in it we see a little girl who’s just wrapped up her last school project of the day. The class was tasked with drawing family portraits, and when she goes to grab hers off the blackboard she sees picture drawn by her classmate Carrie—the daughter of two lesbian moms.

In place of embedding the video here and giving the producers the satisfaction of one more click through, we’ve opted to give you the greatest hits from this two-minute video in the form of screen shots.

Our young protagonist is feeling pretty good about how her portrait turned out.
Then she sees Carrie's drawing of her two mommies.
Our hero doesn't know how to feel about seeing two mommies.
When our hero returns home she finds her mother, who is perhaps an artist, waiting patiently for her little girl to get home from school.
But the only reason it's important to know that her mom is some kind of artist is so we can figure out why the hell she just has papers that say "Orange Yarn" on her desk that we need to see close ups of.
Mom loves her daughter's family portrait.
But then she hears about Carries "two mommies."
"Shit. I was hoping we could avoid the conversation about The Gays."
Mom explains to our hero that Jehovah created marriage between one man and one woman, which is explained in Genesis.
And we know that Jehovah was serious about the whole marriage pact because Jesus said "the same thing," adding that "Jehovah's standards haven't changed." Mom does not explain to the little girl why she has no more current examples than Jesus to support the assertion that the rules "haven't changed" since about 4 B.C.
Our hero's mom explains that homosexuality is wrong by comparing it to trying to board a plane with hazardous materials. You can’t get into Jehovah’s Paradise if you’re “carrying” something he disapproves of, so I guess check your gay with the ticket agent if you want to board the afterlife party plane!
Mom keeps up with the afterlife-as-vacation narrative by saying that Jehovah wants us all to be his friends so we can play together in Paradise forever, but only if we all follow his rules, and don't bring gay with us on our way to the beach.
And then mom explains how we have to give up certain things that Jehovah doesn't like if we want to get in to Paradise, where there is apparently a TSA checkpoint screening you for sin. This is also where we learn that TSA checkpoints were definitely created by a vengeful God.
Our hero tells her mom that she wants everyone to get into Paradise, at which point her mom leans in with this terrifying-for-a-cartoon look on her face and says "People can change!" Her half-whisper suggests that she means sterilization, even if she's not admitting it.
Emboldened by the knowledge that people can change, our hero decides she will commit to changing her classmate Carrie by using her magical hands to conjure tales of Paradise and the Resurrection and "animals" out of thin air! Our hero's mom is thrilled to hear of her daughter's embrace of evangelism and closes the video by saying, "Let's practice!"

This has been your afternoon update in fundamentalist anti-LGBT propaganda watch. Go hug all the mommies in your life, and be the best lesbian… supporter… you can be.

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Amazing Highlights From The Anti-Gay, Total Pixar Knockoff Made By Jehovah’s Witnesses