It’s no secret that Kanye West enjoys his Mickey D’s—few other rappers have incorporated the words “fish filet” into a verse so smoothly—but this weekend, he fully admitted to his fast food obsession.
If you weren’t hiding under a rock, you probably caught wind of Frank new album “Blonde,” which dropped on Saturday. However, you might not have realized that Ocean released a zine on Saturday called “Boys Don’t Cry,” which features an absolutely bonkers ode to McDonald’s French fries written by none other than Kanye West.
It goes like this:
McDonalds Man McDonalds Man
The french fries had a plan
The french fries had a plan
The salad bar and the ketchup made a band
Cus the french fries had a plan
The french fries had a plan
McDonalds Man
McDonalds
I know them french fries have a plan
I know them french fries have a plan
The cheeseburger and the shakes formed a band
To overthrow the french fries plan
I always knew them french fries was evil man
Smelling all good and shit
I don’t trust no food that smells that good man
I don’t trust it
I just can’t
McDonalds Man
McDonalds Man
McDonalds, damn
Them french fries look good tho
I knew the Diet Coke was jealous of the fries
I knew the McNuggets was jealous of the fries
Even the McRib was jealous of the fries
I could see it through his artificial meat eyes
And he only be there some of the time
Everybody was jealous of them french fries
Except for that one special guy
That smooth apple pie
This poem should lead any reasonable person to conclude that McDonald’s manufactured the Kardashian clan as a marketing tool, starting with the incubation of Kris Jenner back in 1955—the same year Ray Kroc founded the McDonald’s Corporation. Between their McDonald’s catered baby showers, the lavish gifts, death-bed meal desires, and not-so-subtle drop-offs of grease-stained bags, the tactics have become increasingly aggressive over the years. Obviously, anyone who gets sucked into the McDashians orbit is bound to become part of the machine as well.
[quote position="full" is_quote="true"]McRibs don’t have eyes, Kanye. Also, what salad bar?[/quote]
You could read Mr. West’s poem as a cry for help: here is a man whose mind has clearly been flooded with the dogma of the world’s largest fast food empire. His delusions know no end, characterizing fries as Machiavellian masterminds and McNuggets as vengeful drones. How could the world’s most perfect hangover food be evil? To think cheeseburgers can function in a band is another sign this man has lost touch with reality. McRibs don’t have eyes, Kanye. Also, what salad bar?
Something has to be done if we want the Yeezy we know and love to return to planet Earth. Luckily, if Kanye is still Kanye and his brain hasn’t been replaced with Oreo McFlurry yet, then we can only assume he’ll start a Kickstarter to help pay for the recovery of his sanity. It’ll cost, at a minimum, $53 million dollars, but it’ll be worth the Twitter rants we’ll get in return.