Companies aren’t manufacturing spray-on forgiveness yet, but researchers at Luther College in Iowa have given the world another reason to think scientists could try to harness the liberating feeling in the not-so-distant future. The team, led by psych professor Loren Toussaint, found that mental illness associated with stress plummeted among young adults who often forgave others (and themselves).
“It’s almost entirely erased—it’s statistically zero,” he told TIME, asserting—perhaps a bit hopefully—that forgiveness can “100 percent” be learned.
Social science has a lot on its plate when it comes to making yourself feel better about yourself. You wouldn’t, for instance, want to be so self-forgiving that you excuse the kind of conduct that’s associated with disorders of its own. But it’s hard to be sure which studies suggest the right behavioral boundaries. (You might recall the unnerving report hinting that your ex could be a psycho if he or she wants to stay friends.)
Still, forgiving someone is pretty straightforward if you’re not so scheming and manipulative that you fall for your own B.S. The difficulty isn’t in how confusing genuine forgiveness is but in how difficult. That’s why pressure seems likely to build to turn it into some kind of performance-enhancing substance. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that researchers revealed how oxytocin—not to be confused with cripplingly addictive and illegal oxytocin—is a so-called empathy molecule, capable of making us more prosocial or friendly just through a few puffs of nasal spray. If we turned love into a drug, could we ever forgive ourselves?
Robin Williams performs for military men and women as part of a United Service Organization (USO) show on board Camp Phoenix in December 2007
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Pictured: A healthy practice?
Will your current friends still be with you after seven years?
Professor shares how many years a friendship must last before it'll become lifelong
Think of your best friend. How long have you known them? Growing up, children make friends and say they’ll be best friends forever. That’s where “BFF” came from, for crying out loud. But is the concept of the lifelong friend real? If so, how many years of friendship will have to bloom before a friendship goes the distance? Well, a Dutch study may have the answer to that last question.
Sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst and his team in the Netherlands did extensive research on friendships and made some interesting findings in his surveys and studies. Mollenhorst found that over half of your friendships will “shed” within seven years. However, the relationships that go past the seven-year mark tend to last. This led to the prevailing theory that most friendships lasting more than seven years would endure throughout a person’s lifetime.
In Mollenhorst’s findings, lifelong friendships seem to come down to one thing: reciprocal effort. The primary reason so many friendships form and fade within seven-year cycles has much to do with a person’s ages and life stages. A lot of people lose touch with elementary and high school friends because so many leave home to attend college. Work friends change when someone gets promoted or finds a better job in a different state. Some friends get married and have children, reducing one-on-one time together, and thus a friendship fades. It’s easy to lose friends, but naturally harder to keep them when you’re no longer in proximity.
Some people on Reddit even wonder if lifelong friendships are actually real or just a romanticized thought nowadays. However, older commenters showed that lifelong friendship is still possible:
“I met my friend on the first day of kindergarten. Maybe not the very first day, but within the first week. We were texting each other stupid memes just yesterday. This year we’ll both celebrate our 58th birthdays.”
“My oldest friend and I met when she was just 5 and I was 9. Next-door neighbors. We're now both over 60 and still talk weekly and visit at least twice a year.”
“I’m 55. I’ve just spent a weekend with friends I met 24 and 32 years ago respectively. I’m also still in touch with my penpal in the States. I was 15 when we started writing to each other.”
“My friends (3 of them) go back to my college days in my 20’s that I still talk to a minimum of once a week. I'm in my early 60s now.”
“We ebb and flow. Sometimes many years will pass as we go through different things and phases. Nobody gets buttsore if we aren’t in touch all the time. In our 50s we don’t try and argue or be petty like we did before. But I love them. I don’t need a weekly lunch to know that. I could make a call right now if I needed something. Same with them.”
Maintaining a friendship for life is never guaranteed, but there are ways, psychotherapists say, that can make a friendship last. It’s not easy, but for a friendship to last, both participants need to make room for patience and place greater weight on their similarities than on the differences that may develop over time. Along with that, it’s helpful to be tolerant of large distances and gaps of time between visits, too. It’s not easy, and it requires both people involved to be equally invested to keep the friendship alive and from becoming stagnant.
As tough as it sounds, it is still possible. You may be a fortunate person who can name several friends you’ve kept for over seven years or over seventy years. But if you’re not, every new friendship you make has the same chance and potential of being lifelong.