There is a 'sweet spot' for how often healthy couples fight. It's more than you think.

If you've ever had any type of relationship, you understand there's going to be conflict. Disagreements can become arguments and sometimes people's feelings are hurt. What might surprise you, you're most likely not arguing enough.

There's a clear difference between toxic relationships with unhealthy exchanges and healthy couples working through a problem. Besides the types of interactions, positive or negative, the frequency of the arguments can actually tell you if you're in a good or bad relationship.

According to The Healthy Marriage, the average couple has 2 - 3 fights monthly and experts believe that's not enough. Research suggests two arguments every week can actually benefit your relationship.

  Couple having an argument.Image via Canva - Photo by Vera Arsic

The Basics

What is an argument? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines an argument as, "a coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view." Notice it doesn't say, hysterical people trying to intimidate and abuse one another with the intention of causing emotional harm.

Robert Menuet, LCSW a relationship therapist in Louisianna, states there is a healthy and unhealthy way to have an argument. Unhealthy arguing involves: constant negativity, personal attacks, threats, name-calling, and stonewalling (which is one person refusing to participate in the conversation.) Healthy arguments involve: a focus on specific issues, active listening, compromise, apologies, an attempt for resolution, and willingness to understand your partners point of view.

You should be arguing more

Seeking confrontation for the sake of it is not the right idea. However, in an article by IDEAS.TED.COM they explain couples that believe arguments need to be avoided were surprisingly more aggressive, and the women were more depressed. Avoided confrontation means less communication, less happy, and less dedication to the relationship as time moves forward.

Embracing frequent low-stakes disagreements means fewer big confrontations. Conflict presents opportunities to improve upon the relationship. Secure Intimacy found that healthy arguments: reveal unmet needs, unclear boundaries, and hidden emotional wounds. Healthy fights deepen connection and improve intimacy. They help validate mutual respect and confirm values.

Why some couples are afraid to argue?

  In bed and avoiding an issue.Image via Canva - Photo by Gpoint Studio

There are a lot of people out there avoiding confrontation and disagreements with their partners. Uncover, a health counseling service based in New York City, broke down some common causes for conflict avoidance. Here are a few of the important reasons:

1. Fear of confrontation - general discomfort with emotional escalations and attachment to past traumatic experiences.

2. Desire to maintain harmony - afraid issues can disrupt the peace and bring negative consequences.

3. Emotional discomfort - arguing can bring emotions like anger and sadness which they can try to shield themselves from experiencing.

4. Power imbalance - the person with less power may avoid conflict out of fear of retaliation.

5. Perceived threat to the relationship - belief issues jeopardize the stability of the relationship.

The big takeaway

  Couple walking on a nice day.Image via Canva - Photo by Vera Arsic.

Couples benefit from communication. Listening to your partner and seeing the best in them instead of the worst can help evolve and tighten a relationship. Repairing things that need addressing while still sharing empathy for one another can be uncomfortable. But, it is necessary to resolve issues that can bring resentment and eventual failure to a relationship. Arguing about small yet important details a couple times a week will strengthen the foundation of a relationship and make for long term success.