One of the many things that unite us in life is that grief, at some point, is inescapable. Whether we lose a loved one to death, experience a breakup, or simply lose touch with a very good friend, it's a spectrum of loss, and, put simply, it's inevitable.
Over the years, many therapists have supported the idea that grief is something that shouldn't be endured in solitude. And while it's true that a sense of community can be important in hard times, there are some people who just need to process much of their grief alone.
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Now, there's research to suggest that it's absolutely healthy for those to do so, if that's what they desire. In the article "Grieving Alone: How Grief & Solitude Can Help When Coping With Loss," editor-in-chief of The Roots of Loneliness Project Allison Huff writes, "It isn’t necessarily 'bad' to go through grief alone, and in fact, it can be a healthy way to process a loss if it’s what a grieving person needs to do for themselves and their emotional health—especially after the funeral is over."
She notes that it's actually not uncommon for people to just need a break. "Being alone can feel like a welcome respite as you begin the grief-processing journey—even if you weren’t involved with making the funeral arrangements at all—and it’s a path many people choose for themselves, with good reason."
Huff carefully relays that a person who chooses to grieve alone should take note if their natural grief becomes long-term depression. The two emotions, though different from one another, are instinctively intertwined, and the sadness can feel ever-changing. But she stresses how important it is to remember that "people live on in memory." She cites writer Ernest Hemingway's famous quote, "'Every man has two deaths: when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name.'"
Even if you choose alone time during grief, she also suggests spending time outdoors and/or writing a letter to the person you lost. And of equal importance, she implores that one should not be afraid "to open up to others when you need to" and to understand that you shouldn't "set a time limit for your grief."
The grief journey is to be taken in solitude and community depending on your needs.www.flickr.com
She reiterates, "It is absolutely okay to process your grief alone in solitude if it is what you feel you need to do to heal through a loss." She mentions a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology entitled "Rituals Alleviate Grieving for Loved Ones, Lovers, and Lotteries" that supports how natural it is for people to engage in private rituals when they are mourning.
Many people on Reddit agree and feel heard. In the thread "Does anyone else prefer to grieve quietly/alone?" (in the subreddit group "Grief/Support"), many discuss the struggle they have with wanting to be alone, but also remaining polite.
One commenter said, "I’m definitely a private griever, because grief is so personal. The closer the person was to me, the more I want to be alone. Like when my dad died, I didn’t want to see anyone. I was angry that other people existed. Just wanted to be left alone. So that’s a totally valid and natural way to grieve. Do whatever you gotta do, friend."
Another agrees and shares that grieving with others adds a whole other layer of responsibility for the person's feelings. "Yep. I can't grieve with others. I end up comforting them and not giving any time to take care of my own grief. I was basically chief mourner at my dad's funeral. My parents are divorced, and I was a lot closer to him than my other siblings. Everyone sought me out to offer their condolences, but I felt more like I was their shoulder to cry on rather than the other way around."
But, even though they felt encumbered by others, they added this lovely spin: "It was nice in a way, feeling how much my dad was loved."
"It isn’t necessarily 'bad' to go through grief alone...it can be a healthy way to process a loss if it’s what a grieving person needs to do... —especially after the funeral is over."
Photo by Mayron Oliveira on Unsplash
This Redditor reminds people just how personal loss is: "My own experience is that people grieve at different moments, and it's difficult to want to listen when you've tucked things away for a while… Grieving is personal and really complex, in my opinion. Just do whatever you feel you need to do."
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Why do some folks use social media but don't engage?
Psychologist says people who never comment on social media share these 5 positive traits
For over 20 years, social media has developed into a staple in many people’s day-to-day lives. Whether it’s to keep in communication with friends and family, following the thoughts of celebrities, or watching cat videos while sipping your morning coffee, there seem to be two types of social media users: commenters and lurkers.
The term “lurker” sounds equally mysterious and insidious, with some social media users writing them off as non-participants at best or voyeurs at worst. However, mindfulness expert Lachlan Brown believes these non-commenters have some very psychologically positive and healthy traits. Let’s take a look at how each one of these traits could be beneficial and see how fruitful lurking might be even though it can drive content creators crazy.
1. Cautious about vulnerability
Consciously or not, making a post online or commenting on one puts you and your words out there. It’s a statement that everyone can see, even if it’s as simple as clicking “like.” Doing so opens yourself up to judgment, with all the good, bad, and potential misinterpretation that comes with it. Non-commenters would rather not open themselves up to that.
These silent users are connected to a concept of self-protection by simply not engaging. By just scrolling past posts or just reading/watching them without commentary, they’re preventing themselves from any downsides of sharing an opinion such as rejection, misunderstanding, or embarrassment. They also have more control on how much of themselves they’re willing to reveal to the general public, and tend to be more open face-to-face or during one-on-one/one-on-few private chats or DMs. This can be seen as a healthy boundary and prevents unnecessary exposure.
Considering many comment sections, especially involving political topics, are meant to stir negative emotional responses to increase engagement, being extra mindful about where, when, and what you comment might not be a bad idea. They might not even take the engagement bait at all. Or if they see a friend of theirs post something vulnerable, they feel more motivated to engage with them personally one-on-one rather than use social media to publicly check in on them.
2. Analytical and reflective mindset
How many times have you gone onto Reddit, YouTube, or any other site and just skimmed past comments that are just different versions of “yes, and,” “no, but,” or “yes, but”? Or the ever insightful, formerly popular comment “First!” in a thread? These silent browsers lean against adding to such noise unless they have some valid and thoughtful contribution (if they bother to comment period).
These non-posters are likely wired on reflective thinking rather than their initial intuition. Not to say that all those who comment aren’t thoughtful, but many tend to react quickly and comment based on their initial feelings rather than absorbing the information, thinking it over, researching or testing their belief, and then posting it. For "lurkers," it could by their very nature to just do all of that and not post it at all, or share their thoughts and findings privately with a friend. All in all, it’s a preference of substance over speed.
3. High sense of self-awareness
Carried over from the first two listed traits, these silent social media users incorporate their concern over their vulnerability and their reflective mindset into digital self-awareness. They know what triggers responses out of them and what causes them to engage in impulsive behavior. It could be that they have engaged with a troll in the past and felt foolish. Or that they just felt sad after a post or got into an unnecessary argument that impacted them offline. By knowing themselves and seeing what’s being discussed, they choose to weigh their words carefully or just not participate at all. It’s a form of self-preservation through restraint.
4. Prefer to observe rather than perform
Some folks treat social media as information, entertainment, or a mix of both, and commenting can feel like they’re yelling at the TV, clapping alone in a movie theater when the credits roll, or yelling “That’s not true!” to a news anchor that will never hear them. But contrary to that, social media is a place where those yells, claps, and accusations can be seen and get a response. By its design, social media is considered by experts and the media as performative, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Taking all of the previously mentioned traits into account, one can see why they would prefer to “observe the play” rather than get up on the stage of Facebook or X.
On top of that, these non-commenters could be using social media differently than those who choose to fully engage with it. Using this type of navigation, there may be nothing for them to comment about. Some commenters are even vying for this for their mental health. There are articles about how to better curate your social media feeds and manipulate algorithms to create a better social media experience to avoid unnecessary conflict or mentally tiring debate.
If you go on a blocking spree on all of your accounts and just follow the posters that boost you, it could turn your social media into a nice part of your routine as you mainly engage with others face-to-face or privately. In terms of commenting, if your curated Instagram is just following cute dogs and all you have to offer for a comment is “cute dog,” you might just enjoy the picture and then move on with your day rather than join in the noise. These non-commenters aren’t in the show and they’re fine with it.
5. Less motivated by social validation
The last trait that Brown showcases is that social media users who browse without posting tend to be independent from external validation, at least online. Social media is built to grow through feedback loops such as awarding likes, shares, and reposts of your content along with notifications letting you know that a new person follows you or wants to connect. This can lead many people to connect their activity on social media with their sense of self worth, especially with adolescents who are still figuring out their place in the world and have still-developing brains.
Engaging in social media via likes, shares, comments, and posts rewards our brains by having them release dopamine, which makes us feel good and can easily become addictive. For whatever reason, non-commenters don’t rely on social media as a means to gauge their social capital or self worth. This doesn’t make them better than those who do. While some non-commenters could have healthier ways to boost their self worth or release dopamine into their systems, many get that validation from equally unhealthy sources offline. That said, many non-commenters’ silence could be a display of independence and self confidence.
Whether you frequently comment online or don’t, it’s good to understand why you do or don’t. Analyzing your habits can help you determine whether your online engagement is healthy, or needs to be tweaked. With that information, you can then create a healthy social media experience that works for you.