Fuck Yeah Humanity: Episode 25

Raccoons are rapscallions—nocturnal mischief-makers that you might find rummaging around in your garbage or, given their nimble five-digit hands, turning doorknobs. If you Google "funny raccoon stories," you’ll find a seemingly endless supply of enjoyable anecdotes. But none hold a candle to this one: Returning to work after a Thanksgiving break, staff at a liquor store in Ashland, Virginia were shocked to discover that a trash panda had broken into the establishment, ransacked some of their supply, and ultimately passed out in the bathroom—conveniently between the waste bin and the toilet. Luckily, though, thanks to the hard work of local animal control, the hangover was short-lived.

But first…just like a raccoon rummaging through your overgrown yard, we have to get into the weeds. The store in question is reportedly Ashland’s state-run ABC (or "Alcoholic Beverage Control" ) location, who told NBC News that the critter dropped inside through the ceiling and rummaged around, causing $250 in damages. (There were 14 bottles in total, covering rum, scotch, peanut butter whiskey, moonshine, and eggnog.) When security arrived to scope out the scene, they weren’t quite expecting to find a splayed-out (and, reportedly, "drunk") raccoon.