Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but, sometimes, they can get pretty heated. It's easy to get lost in the need to be heard. It's easier to get lost in the desire to win. What might be unexpected, though, is that the real win comes through learning how to have a healthy, productive argument.
Resolution is important. It's good to find common ground and find a solution to any disagreement. But what builds strong and healthy relationships isn't outcome—it's process.
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Here are five helpful ways to have a productive and relationship-building argument:
Let go of the outcome.
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This may seem completely counterintuitive since the whole point of having an argument is to prove you're right, right? But when it comes to building a healthy relationship, if you can learn to let go of the outcome, you'll have a better experience working through the problem. Verywell Mind offered a very helpful way of framing an argument, noting, "While it might sound counterintuitive, fighting in love can actually be a good thing for your relationship. When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries, and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship."
In the least, if you're no longer fighting to win, there's immediately less pressure. You're actually fighting for the opportunity to discuss the issue. Maybe the discussion proves you're wrong. Maybe it proves you're both wrong or right. Taking advantage of the opportunity to be heard is what builds up the relationship, which leads us to the second point.
Listen.
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If you're not listening to the other person, you may be arguing for the same point. The basic life principle of "Treat others as you wish to be treated" falls nicely along side, 'If you want to be heard, be willing to listen.'
A program designed to help navigate conflict at Michigan State University writes, "If we improve our personal listening and communication skills, we will better understand other’s perspectives, emotions and needs. The ability to listen and hear what another person is saying is essential to working through conflict."
You're never going to trust your partner or be trusted if you don't listen to one another.
Stay on topic. No personal attacks.
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It can be easy to switch tactics and get mean or personal when navigating a challenging disagreement. Sometimes when emotion is high and we get scared, our response can be to hurt the other person. Sarcasm is actually an attack. Name calling, ridiculing, and disrespecting your partner is not winning the argument. This is simply avoidance and moving off topic.
An article about communicating through arguments better in Juice explains the importance of staying on topic. When you bring up side topics and past grievances, you only complicate and blur the conversation. It suggests a great response if one partner tries to change topic: "That's something we can talk about at some point, but let's try to resolve this first."
Own your part.
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Nothing can be as damaging to a relationship as lack of trust. One thing that definitely builds trust is accountability. There is no point in having a productive disagreement if you can't be honest about what you're talking about. Otherwise, it's just an exercise of control and manipulation. I can't think of any form of healthy philosophy or therapy that suggests the best way to succeed is lying and manipulating your partner to the desired outcome.
In a recent article about accountability in relationships, The Sweet Institute writes, "Being accountable means recognizing that your actions and choices have consequences. This involves acknowledging mistakes, understanding their impact on your partner, and taking steps to make amends." Fostering trust not only enhances communication, it builds upon emotional intimacy. Having a supportive environment helps both partners thrive.
It's not your responsibility to make them understand.
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This ties in with letting go of the outcome, but it's a little different. It's understanding that we are only responsible for sharing our feelings and experience, not with what lands or doesn't. Obviously, how we share matters as discussed in the concepts before. But, knowing that we are doing whatever we can to communicate our point clearly, kindly, and truthfully is our responsibility. How they take it or use the information is something we cannot control.
The Center for Therapeutic Achievement writes, "Clear communication means expressing your thoughts and feelings in a straightforward, considerate manner. Misunderstandings often arise from vague or ambiguous messages. Speaking with clarity helps ensure that both parties fully understand each other, reducing the likelihood of confusion."
Relationships can be really easy or really difficult. A lot depends on what both parties are willing to bring to the experience. If you want to build toward something that works, then work on the stuff that makes it better. If you want to pass some time or slowly degrade a relationship until it can't work, well, do the opposite of what's offered here.
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Will your current friends still be with you after seven years?
Professor shares how many years a friendship must last before it'll become lifelong
Think of your best friend. How long have you known them? Growing up, children make friends and say they’ll be best friends forever. That’s where “BFF” came from, for crying out loud. But is the concept of the lifelong friend real? If so, how many years of friendship will have to bloom before a friendship goes the distance? Well, a Dutch study may have the answer to that last question.
Sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst and his team in the Netherlands did extensive research on friendships and made some interesting findings in his surveys and studies. Mollenhorst found that over half of your friendships will “shed” within seven years. However, the relationships that go past the seven-year mark tend to last. This led to the prevailing theory that most friendships lasting more than seven years would endure throughout a person’s lifetime.
In Mollenhorst’s findings, lifelong friendships seem to come down to one thing: reciprocal effort. The primary reason so many friendships form and fade within seven-year cycles has much to do with a person’s ages and life stages. A lot of people lose touch with elementary and high school friends because so many leave home to attend college. Work friends change when someone gets promoted or finds a better job in a different state. Some friends get married and have children, reducing one-on-one time together, and thus a friendship fades. It’s easy to lose friends, but naturally harder to keep them when you’re no longer in proximity.
Some people on Reddit even wonder if lifelong friendships are actually real or just a romanticized thought nowadays. However, older commenters showed that lifelong friendship is still possible:
“I met my friend on the first day of kindergarten. Maybe not the very first day, but within the first week. We were texting each other stupid memes just yesterday. This year we’ll both celebrate our 58th birthdays.”
“My oldest friend and I met when she was just 5 and I was 9. Next-door neighbors. We're now both over 60 and still talk weekly and visit at least twice a year.”
“I’m 55. I’ve just spent a weekend with friends I met 24 and 32 years ago respectively. I’m also still in touch with my penpal in the States. I was 15 when we started writing to each other.”
“My friends (3 of them) go back to my college days in my 20’s that I still talk to a minimum of once a week. I'm in my early 60s now.”
“We ebb and flow. Sometimes many years will pass as we go through different things and phases. Nobody gets buttsore if we aren’t in touch all the time. In our 50s we don’t try and argue or be petty like we did before. But I love them. I don’t need a weekly lunch to know that. I could make a call right now if I needed something. Same with them.”
Maintaining a friendship for life is never guaranteed, but there are ways, psychotherapists say, that can make a friendship last. It’s not easy, but for a friendship to last, both participants need to make room for patience and place greater weight on their similarities than on the differences that may develop over time. Along with that, it’s helpful to be tolerant of large distances and gaps of time between visits, too. It’s not easy, and it requires both people involved to be equally invested to keep the friendship alive and from becoming stagnant.
As tough as it sounds, it is still possible. You may be a fortunate person who can name several friends you’ve kept for over seven years or over seventy years. But if you’re not, every new friendship you make has the same chance and potential of being lifelong.