How to power your teen's success with the 'Mattering Mindset' in five practical steps

Jennifer Breheny Wallace, New York Times bestselling author and award-winning journalist, is dedicated to creating a positive culture in schools, work, and the community. In a recent article for CNBC make it, she explored the challenge of encouraging children to succeed through positive action, a mattering mindset, instead of fear-based, unnecessary pressures.

Wallace writes, "During my six years of researching hundreds of high-achieving kids, I've found that the real engine behind long-term success is believing that your worth comes from your inherent value and your ability to make a positive impact on the world."

Wanting our children to have every opportunity and all the necessary, available resources stems from a great place. However, offering encouragement and affection solely based on a child meeting specific expectations leads to some concerning problems. This parental impulse 'to do good or else' creates an environment where kids shut down, experience high levels of anxiety, and open themselves to the challenges of depression.

These are 5 ways parents can encourage a "mattering mindset":

Invest time in getting to know them

Father talks with son.Image via Canva - Photo by Portra

Wallace explains, "Become an expert in who they are. What makes them light up? What challenges do they hide? What strengths might others overlook?" The true key to understanding a child takes as much time and energy as required. A 2024 article in Verywell Mind discussed great ways to connect and learn about your children. Using open-ended questions helps promote a positive connection and increases a child's overall well-being. Sharing a little bit of your own experience will help to instill trust and build a stronger bond.

Self-worth is non-negotiable, no matter what

Dad and son sit on the floor flexing muscles.Image via Canva - Photo by Pixelshot

Fostering strong self-esteem can be a challenging process. Understanding and gaining it comes from experience: overcoming failures and learning that what we are is more than any given moment. Wallace writes, "When your child fails — gets cut from the team, bombs a test — remind them their value isn't up for debate." A 2022 study on self-esteem published in Science Direct found that stability and balance were crucial in developing the self-esteem of young adults. This further emphasizes the importance of parents creating a strong and consistent environment for their children to blossom and grow.

Be curious instead of angry and disappointed

"Now I'm intrigued." media4.giphy.com

Every child wants to be appreciated and seen by their parents. If they are having a rough go of it, look for what might be part of the problem. Helping them navigate big and small challenges is far better than just demanding excellence. Wallace states, "When we express anger over a child's performance, it can break the parent-child connection. Curiosity preserves your relationship, and is a gateway to clean fuel." A Times of India article in 2025 examined the damage caused by parents who scold their children. It suggested approaching situations with a level of curiosity and respect helped to nurture trust and form a stronger connection.

Celebrate all the good things

Celebrate the wins.Image via Canva - Photo by Wpadington

Children experience a lot of 'that's wrong' when growing up. It's important to champion and point out the little wins. Wallace writes, "Let them know when their actions make a difference. Whether it's comforting a sibling, brightening a friend's day, or coming up with a clever solution, take the time to remind them that their value goes far beyond their achievements." A 2020 study in Science Daily looked at positive reinforcement by teachers and the effects on their students. The results suggest that praise was a powerful tool that improved student focus by up to 30% as compared to reprimands.

Let them see that you love them

Surprised and happy mother.Image via Canva - Photo by fotostorm

Wallace encourages, "At least once a day, show warmth and affection regardless of performance. Let them know they are just as cherished on a bad day as on a good one." A May 2025 article in The Times reported a study on twins receiving different levels of maternal affection. Results showed that children receiving higher levels of affection became more open-minded, conscientious, and agreeable adults.

General kindness and unconditional support are necessary tools for raising well-rounded and happier children. A simple style that can be implemented immediately by any willing parent. There is no better time to show love and affection than the present.