People need to feel heard. Whether it’s an amicable debate or a heated argument, it can be frustrating when there doesn’t seem to be any resolution or when things get out of hand. You might feel even more flummoxed trying to find the right words, alter your tone, or manage your emotions mid-speech to make a connection, only to find that nothing is working.
At this point, you might not even feel like talking anymore, but worry that not saying anything could make the situation worse or give off the impression that you’re being cold or indecisive. However, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and other professionals disagree.
Silence isn't avoidance
“Silence isn’t avoidance—it’s engagement,” professional mediator and law professor Michael Aurit told GOOD. “It can confront conflict head-on, allow emotions to reset, and shine a light on what truly matters. In fact, silence may be the most underrated game-changer in conflict resolution.”
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Silence slows the world down
“In conflict, I think silence can be misunderstood,” psychiatrist Dr. Pamela Walters said to GOOD. “In psychiatry, I see how silence changes the emotional temperature in the room; it also slows the pace down and allows someone to feel that their words are landing, and gives both parties time to think rather than react.”
"Silence creates the space to truly listen,” behavioral specialist Aaron Mostin shared with GOOD. “Choosing silence, practicing active listening, and seeking to understand different perspectives are vital steps toward meaningful conflict resolution."
While there is an art to it, these experts believe that silence can become a person’s superpower during conflicts when incorporated correctly and with the right intention. It can not only cool down a heated argument that has gone off the rails, but also make the person choosing silence appear more confident and in control, exuding a literal quiet charisma. If you’re struggling to find the right words, you’ll likely accomplish more and be heard more by being silent until the right words come. You'll also be less likely to say something you'll regret, too.
@apexclass The Power of Silence ~ Jefferson Fisher
Silence means control
“Silence projects confidence and authority,” Aurit added. “A mediator’s calm, intentional silence communicates strength and steadiness. Clients often mirror that calm by taking a breath themselves. Even without a mediator, when one person attacks, and the other allows silence, it demonstrates confidence that they don’t have to respond.”
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“There’s also something quietly powerful about not rushing to fill every gap. It can also make the other person more willing to reflect on what they’ve just said, sometimes even to reconsider their position,” added Dr. Walters. “When silence is intentional, it can be as eloquent as words, and it often means that when you do speak, your words carry greater weight.”
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Silence isn’t just a great tool when conversations turn into fights, either. It can be a convenient option during moments when a person needs a shoulder to cry on or when one is mentally collecting information about a situation and wants all of the facts before voicing an opinion.
Void the silent treatment
Like with any superpower, silence can be used for bad purposes, too. The experts that reached out to GOOD, along with many of their colleagues, reiterate that silence isn’t the best strategy if it’s used to withhold information intentionally, outright avoid conflict, or in a passive-aggressive “silent treatment” fashion in which the expectation is for the opposite party to guess what you’re thinking, feeling, etc. Using silence in that way can often backfire by unnecessarily extending the conflict through miscommunication or breaking off clear communication entirely through stonewalling.
The next time you find yourself in an argument and it starts to roar into a fiery blowup, shut your mouth and listen. It might be the most powerful and effective response for both you and the other party, allowing you to return to the topic at hand with cooler heads, more informed words, and productive results.
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