How to tell your partner what you want in bed without sounding like an insensitive jerk

As most adults know, love and sex can be complex, especially when a couple has been together for quite some time. A person might have had a desire or two that they’d like to try out with their partner. They might want sex more or less often, experience a different position, try out a kink, or explore a different dynamic. Yet because of the intimate nature of sex, people tend to feel intimidated to ask for what they want—or don’t know how. Well, the experts have answers.

But isn't waning interest in the current sexual activity with your partner a sign that things aren’t “meant to be”? Before you go down that rabbit hole, let’s get one thing clear: if you’re feeling less excited about sex with your partner, that doesn’t automatically mean that your relationship is doomed. Romance can dim and boredom in the bedroom happens, even to very loving and committed couples. Having frank conversations about sex with your partner about what you want can help improve this aspect of your relationship or reveal if there is a bigger issue between you.

“It’s normal to want something different and not always be on the same page,” says Martha Kauppi, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, author, and founding director of the Institute for Relational Intimacy. “The longer your relationship is, the more unavoidable it is.”

Why is it so difficult to talk about what you want in bed?

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

It’s not just women who feel like they cannot talk about sex and what they want out of it. Will Hayes, a psychology professor and writer for the Centre of Male Psychology, argues that heterosexual men often don’t discuss sex with their partners or each other out of fear of being seen as too inadequate, too whiny, or possibly misogynistic. The overall point is that experiencing difficulty when trying to talk about sex with your partner isn’t specific to any gender or sexual orientation.

But regardless of your situation, experts agree you should discuss what you want with you partner and, as an invitation for openness, what they want out of your intimate times together.

When should I discuss introducing new sexual desires with my partner?

Dr. Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D. of Psychology Today recommends broaching the subject “when the iron is cold,” essentially not just before, during, or shortly after you and your partner have had sex. In fact, give them a heads up that you want to talk about it so they can prepare and agree to talk about it in a neutral spot (at a coffee shop, for example) so they don’t feel cornered or intimidated by your “home field advantage” of your apartment, your car, etc. Reassure them that the discussion is a positive one and is an invitation to them (“There are things I would like to do/try/desire sexually that I would like to do with you.”). This way they know that the conversation isn’t “our sex is bad” but is “our sex could include ____ and I’d like to explore it with you.”

“Approaching a long-term partner about sex can cause them to wonder if they’ve left you dissatisfied in the past,” says Dr. Kryss Shane, LSW, LMSW. “When approaching them, be mindful that they want to make you happy and they may have their own insecurities.”

With that reassurance and a safe, neutral environment, the two of you can clearly discuss what you want and you, in turn, can find out what they want, too. You can share with one another any unexplored fantasies, allow yourself to explain the “why” behind certain desires, and approach everything as a team. Depending on the result of the conversation, you can determine what’s up for negotiation, what other activities both of you are curious about, and what’s not on the table. Do your best to remember that the point of this is make sure everyone involved has fun and has their needs fulfilled.

Flexibility is important in the bedroom, literally and figuratively.

Just remember that if your partner agrees to what you have asked, you must keep realistic expectations. They might not perform your desire perfectly right out of the gate since it might be new or foreign to them at first. As long as you approach with empathy and the knowledge that they want this for the both of you, it’ll lower the stakes and the pressure. Plus, experimentation and trying things again can be part of the fun, right?

For some, it will still be difficult to take a chance and ask for what they want out of rejection or of feeling judged. As long as there is reciprocal empathy, flexibility, love, and trust between you and your partner, you both can get what you desire and need while also expanding what is possible between you.