5 reasons why making amends with your parents will change your life for the better

Your parents probably made some mistakes. The severity and pain associated with those experiences most likely determines the type of relationship you have with your parents today. Fortunately, there are ways to make all of those complicated, emotional details that cripple or skew that connection better. And what's more, it has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with you. Reconciling with your parents can lift the emotional burden you've carried for years and offer a lasting peace that remains, even after they're no longer here.

Making amends can be a powerful tool. Taking ownership of your own behavior and letting go of the missteps of others is a masterclass in personal growth. For some, this is an apology, but that's not the cae for everyone. Many jilted and estranged adult children probably feel like they have nothing to say sorry about anyway, and It's their parents that owe them restitution.

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In a 2022 review posted in Science Direct on the subject of forgiveness and well being, the psychological benefits associated with forgiveness were revealed to be reduced levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Forgiveness is a pathway to enlightenment and inner peace and its relevance is illustrated across cultures and belief systems. A 2020 study published in the National Library of Medicine found that forgiveness will have significant emotional, psychological, and even physical benefits. The study notes, "Findings from this study suggest that promoting forgiveness might be an innovative focus for public health interventions aimed at improving mental and psychosocial well-being." It continues, saying, "This study suggests that forgiveness is positively associated with multiple indicators of subsequent psychosocial and mental health."

What is an amends?

An amends is not necessarily an apology, but rather taking responsibility for your own actions without attacking or addressing the other person's wrongs. It's an unfortunately common practice today to just end connections that we find no longer serve us. The courage to acknowledge the harm we've done and to actively attempt to right and repair the relationship is what amends are all about. It can be as simple as saying something like, "I judged you for being a single mom and held you to unfair expectations of what I wanted that to look like." Or maybe, "I made assumptions about what your relationship was supposed to look like, but it's none of my business." How you make your amends is really up to you. The important thing is not to address the other person's behavior and actions. This is not an opportunity for you to air your grievances. When making amends, you should focus on yourself and how you want to behave differently.

Here are five reasons making amends with your parents is helpful to you:

1. You Reclaim Power

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It's time for the victim storyline to end. Taking ownership of our wrongs and forgiving others is an incredible power boost to self esteem and self confidence. Sharing the faults we've committed and asking how to make them right again, if possible, is super empowering. Amends play a vital role in addiction recovery. One of the reasons lies within this reclaiming of power. Meta Addiction Treatment writes about the amends process, saying, "When a person faces their past honestly and takes full responsibility for the harm they’ve caused, it fosters a deep sense of self-respect." Turning a challenging relationship or painful past into personal growth is a real win for all those involved.

Improve Mental Health

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Studies have shown that the process of forgiving and making amends actually improves physical and mental health. The National Library of Medicine published a paper on forgiveness therapy, nothing that, "There is a growing body of research highlighting the role of forgiveness therapy in improving different aspects of psychological health in populations who have experienced diverse types of hurt, violence, or trauma." Amends help us let go of our painful pasts and heal.

Regret and Closure

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We all have a brief window with this human experience. All of our family and friends will one day leave us if we live long enough. There is limited time to make things right with our parents. If you're waiting for them to come correct, it might not happen. If you take the first step forward, it can. There can be a lot of shame, regret, and guilt around particularly painful relationships with your parents. Making amends can help wipe these painful emotions away. There may not be the specific resolution you're looking for, but a healthy perspective can often be found.

Existential Healing

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Making amends offers an opportunity to make peace with our lives, to gain understanding, to find unity, and to find emotional harmony. One of the quickest approaches to experiencing empathy is finding compassion and acceptance of your own behaviors. The more you're able to own who you are and what you have been, the stronger your connection to other people becomes. In a 2021 article on the amends process for Psychology Today, writer Samantha Stein Psy.D. writes, "But amends is also ultimately healing for the actor. It may feel counterintuitive because of all we've been taught about 'making a mistake' and all of the shame we carry. Still, ultimately, our accountability, empathy, and making things right helps us grow, learn and heal."

Improve and Restore Relationships

The amends process gives you a chance to be heard, to do your part to heal, to clean your side of the street, and to gain empathy for your parents. There most likely isn't much you can say that they don't already know. But, allowing them the chance to be recognized and acknowledged often brings that energy right back. Transpersonal Psychology writes, "Reconciliation plays a vital role in transpersonal healing by fostering relationships that promote psychological and spiritual growth. It serves as a bridge between individuals, facilitating a deeper understanding of one another and cultivating empathy." Even if your parents don't respond the way you are hoping, the amends process can free you from regret, bitterness, anger, and all the emotional entanglements that are weighing you down.