Many men grow up in households, or within broader cultures, that prioritize so-called "toughness" over vulnerability, treating tears like signs of weakness. A lot of guys would never dream to cry in front of anyone, even their family members, and if you have that mocking voice in your subconscious, it can be difficult to shake even in a society that’s at least outwardly concerned about toxic masculinity.
Granted, some guys probably hold back their emotions because it can feel uncomfortable to vent in the wrong setting. Even some close friendships are engineered for escapism—you might prefer to spend your hang-outs talking about movies or sports than venting about childhood trauma. You would, however, expect that most romantic relationships would foster vulnerability, but that’s not always true.
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
In a recent Reddit thread posted on r/AskMenAdvice, one guy worries that opening up to his girlfriend may have "destroyed" their relationship. The OP admits that he used to be have "the emotional capacity of a rock"—being "the type of guy who could sleep with multiple different women in a week and not feel a thing." But his perspective shifted after meeting his girlfriend, "the very first person" he cares more about than himself—and the first he felt comfortable showing "true emotions."
He says their relationship used to be very warm and open—she would vent about work, ask for advice, share stories from her past, and "do cute little things" for him. But the vibe shifted, he argues, after he opened up emotionally following the death of a dog he grew up with.
"I just broke," he writes. "It was the first time in years or even a decade that I cried. I just couldn’t hold it anymore... somehow this also opened up other things inside of me that I didn't deal with emotionally ever. Like for example that [I] basically grew up without a mom and the fact that I was very insecure about my body for a long time because of my weight (which made me go into the other direction later on where I do sports nearly every other day to never be overweight again). This whole venting felt really good, but all my GF answered afterwards was 'Are you done? Then you better go to sleep.'"
He found her reaction "pretty odd" but didn’t think much about it—until, he says, he started noticing changes. He now wonders if he "lost her respect" by opening up.
The responses are well worth wading through, partly because their sentiments are all over the map. A lot of people sympathized with the Redditor, while others criticized his reaction. Some messages, like the top comment, are simpler and somewhat neutral: "Never stay where your true emotions are not welcome."
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
One user wrote that, if simply crying in front of his girlfriend changed her opinion, it’s ideal that he found out now. "Best move would be to sit her down and tell her you feel like things have changed and ask why," they wrote. "Reminder her you’re asking to understand not to argue and hopefully you’ll get your answer. Maybe it’s a bump in the road that’s unrelated, maybe it isn’t, but have the tough conversations now because if it’s something that’s gonna make her walk out you might as well rip that band aid off now and get it over with." Someone else argued that anyone reacting this way, seeing vulnerability as a sign of weakness, "is not a life partner."
Other users argued that the OP’s past behavior created some kind of karma. "He spent years giving that energy towards women, now it’s coming back," reads one response. "Not to say it’ll be like that forever, but they do say what goes around comes around. Now you’ve learned the importance of being caring towards partners and the value of genuine connection. Take this L that you admittedly know you deserve, and grow from it."
One Redditor looked more analytically at the very nature of their initial attraction: "She is attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable. That is why she got with him in the first place. Then when he became caring and emotionally available, she went off him. It’s perfectly logical."
It’s worth pausing here to look more closely at "toxic masculinity," a term that may seem recent but has actually existed for decades. The Anxiety & Depression Association of America considers the "core tenants" to be "anti-femininity" ("men reject any and all feminine traits, including most emotion, accepting help, and domesticity"), "power" ("men are worthy only if they have money, power, status, and influence"), and, perhaps most relevant to this story, "toughness" ("men are strong, aggressive, and emotionally hardened").
The easiest way to understand reactions to men crying is, of course, to ask—and lots of people have done just that. The LAHWF YouTube channel filmed a video called "People on men that cry," asking strangers on the street, including some couples, about this topic.
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
In one interesting response, someone said their comfort level with crying men is contextual. Should men be more emotionally vulnerable? "Yes, but not too early in the relationship. … It could be a turn-off." Someone else said they don’t consider it a problem at all: "I think everyone should have an opportunity to be vulnerable, regardless of your gender." Lots of people agreed that men being emotionally vulnerable is a good thing.
Of course, there’s no way to know exactly how often men cry, though it’s always interesting to look at the data we have. Citing a study of 7,000 adults across 37 countries, a 2017 article by the American Psychological Association found that men shed "emotional tears" 5-17 times per year, compared to 30-64 times for women.
Ultrasound of human baby.Image via 
IVF animated process.Image via 
A couple speaks with a fertility professional.Image via 
Love, Mom.Photo from Heidi Johnson 
A teen boy having a hard time. 
Hands hold a digital representation of the brain.Image via 
Mother and daughter work a puzzle.Image via 
Man and woman connect under the sunshine.Image via 
The obituary paints a comic, if bleak, picture. 
A Facebook post about the obituary.
Why do some folks use social media but don't engage?
Psychologist says people who never comment on social media share these 5 positive traits
For over 20 years, social media has developed into a staple in many people’s day-to-day lives. Whether it’s to keep in communication with friends and family, following the thoughts of celebrities, or watching cat videos while sipping your morning coffee, there seem to be two types of social media users: commenters and lurkers.
The term “lurker” sounds equally mysterious and insidious, with some social media users writing them off as non-participants at best or voyeurs at worst. However, mindfulness expert Lachlan Brown believes these non-commenters have some very psychologically positive and healthy traits. Let’s take a look at how each one of these traits could be beneficial and see how fruitful lurking might be even though it can drive content creators crazy.
1. Cautious about vulnerability
Consciously or not, making a post online or commenting on one puts you and your words out there. It’s a statement that everyone can see, even if it’s as simple as clicking “like.” Doing so opens yourself up to judgment, with all the good, bad, and potential misinterpretation that comes with it. Non-commenters would rather not open themselves up to that.
These silent users are connected to a concept of self-protection by simply not engaging. By just scrolling past posts or just reading/watching them without commentary, they’re preventing themselves from any downsides of sharing an opinion such as rejection, misunderstanding, or embarrassment. They also have more control on how much of themselves they’re willing to reveal to the general public, and tend to be more open face-to-face or during one-on-one/one-on-few private chats or DMs. This can be seen as a healthy boundary and prevents unnecessary exposure.
Considering many comment sections, especially involving political topics, are meant to stir negative emotional responses to increase engagement, being extra mindful about where, when, and what you comment might not be a bad idea. They might not even take the engagement bait at all. Or if they see a friend of theirs post something vulnerable, they feel more motivated to engage with them personally one-on-one rather than use social media to publicly check in on them.
2. Analytical and reflective mindset
How many times have you gone onto Reddit, YouTube, or any other site and just skimmed past comments that are just different versions of “yes, and,” “no, but,” or “yes, but”? Or the ever insightful, formerly popular comment “First!” in a thread? These silent browsers lean against adding to such noise unless they have some valid and thoughtful contribution (if they bother to comment period).
These non-posters are likely wired on reflective thinking rather than their initial intuition. Not to say that all those who comment aren’t thoughtful, but many tend to react quickly and comment based on their initial feelings rather than absorbing the information, thinking it over, researching or testing their belief, and then posting it. For "lurkers," it could by their very nature to just do all of that and not post it at all, or share their thoughts and findings privately with a friend. All in all, it’s a preference of substance over speed.
3. High sense of self-awareness
Carried over from the first two listed traits, these silent social media users incorporate their concern over their vulnerability and their reflective mindset into digital self-awareness. They know what triggers responses out of them and what causes them to engage in impulsive behavior. It could be that they have engaged with a troll in the past and felt foolish. Or that they just felt sad after a post or got into an unnecessary argument that impacted them offline. By knowing themselves and seeing what’s being discussed, they choose to weigh their words carefully or just not participate at all. It’s a form of self-preservation through restraint.
4. Prefer to observe rather than perform
Some folks treat social media as information, entertainment, or a mix of both, and commenting can feel like they’re yelling at the TV, clapping alone in a movie theater when the credits roll, or yelling “That’s not true!” to a news anchor that will never hear them. But contrary to that, social media is a place where those yells, claps, and accusations can be seen and get a response. By its design, social media is considered by experts and the media as performative, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Taking all of the previously mentioned traits into account, one can see why they would prefer to “observe the play” rather than get up on the stage of Facebook or X.
On top of that, these non-commenters could be using social media differently than those who choose to fully engage with it. Using this type of navigation, there may be nothing for them to comment about. Some commenters are even vying for this for their mental health. There are articles about how to better curate your social media feeds and manipulate algorithms to create a better social media experience to avoid unnecessary conflict or mentally tiring debate.
If you go on a blocking spree on all of your accounts and just follow the posters that boost you, it could turn your social media into a nice part of your routine as you mainly engage with others face-to-face or privately. In terms of commenting, if your curated Instagram is just following cute dogs and all you have to offer for a comment is “cute dog,” you might just enjoy the picture and then move on with your day rather than join in the noise. These non-commenters aren’t in the show and they’re fine with it.
5. Less motivated by social validation
The last trait that Brown showcases is that social media users who browse without posting tend to be independent from external validation, at least online. Social media is built to grow through feedback loops such as awarding likes, shares, and reposts of your content along with notifications letting you know that a new person follows you or wants to connect. This can lead many people to connect their activity on social media with their sense of self worth, especially with adolescents who are still figuring out their place in the world and have still-developing brains.
Engaging in social media via likes, shares, comments, and posts rewards our brains by having them release dopamine, which makes us feel good and can easily become addictive. For whatever reason, non-commenters don’t rely on social media as a means to gauge their social capital or self worth. This doesn’t make them better than those who do. While some non-commenters could have healthier ways to boost their self worth or release dopamine into their systems, many get that validation from equally unhealthy sources offline. That said, many non-commenters’ silence could be a display of independence and self confidence.
Whether you frequently comment online or don’t, it’s good to understand why you do or don’t. Analyzing your habits can help you determine whether your online engagement is healthy, or needs to be tweaked. With that information, you can then create a healthy social media experience that works for you.