Experts have one important tip for parents to get their children to visit more often

It can sometimes be difficult to see your adult child as that: an adult. It’s not that they aren’t mature or unable to function, but, as their parent for over 18 years, it can be challenging to set aside certain thoughts and responsibilities. If your relationship with your adult child sours, it can make visits unnecessarily tense or limit them to major holidays. If things get worse, it could contribute to estrangement if left unaddressed.

There are many ways to help older parents maintain quality relationships with their grown children. Still, one particular tip that psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists recommend to older parents can encourage their adult kids to visit and talk to them more often. Their advice? Stop giving advice.

“When parents of adult children step away from the advisor role and resist the urge to weigh in on every decision, they create space for a more balanced relationship,” psychiatrist Dr. Simon Faynboym said to GOOD. “Adult children want to feel trusted in their ability to manage their own lives, and when parents shift from unsolicited guidance to being supportive listeners, the dynamic becomes less strained.”

“While your intentions may be pure when giving unsolicited advice, it can come off as criticism to your adult children,” licensed therapist Tracy Vadakumchery tells GOOD. “If you'd like, you can ask ‘Is there anything you want me to do?’ and if your adult kid says they want advice, you can give it—but only if they ask.”

Several colleagues of theirs share this sentiment, as do older parents who have strong relationships with their adult children. Transitioning your dynamic as an intellectual and mature equal, rather than continuing to fill the role of an authority figure, creates more closeness. In fact, shifting your older parent role from coach to cheerleader can deepen your relationship as you’ll get to know more about the person you’ve raised.

“A great strategy would be to express curiosity without judgment, focusing on open-ended questions that invite meaningful conversation,” says Faynboym. “For example, asking ‘What do you enjoy about your work?’ shows genuine interest while avoiding a directive or evaluative tone. This type of communication signals that the parent values their child’s perspective and individuality, which leads to warmer conversations.”

“Many adult children grew up hearing nothing but criticism at home, even if parents think that it's their way of showing that they care,” says Vadakumchery. “Instead, validate their emotions and be encouraging, like ‘That must be so rough, sweetie!’ or even statements of attunement such as ‘Oh no!’ or ‘Whoa!’ to communicate emotional expression.”

By listening and enjoying a visit, it provides adult children with the feeling that they are accepted, even if you may not always agree with the decisions they make. This unconditional positive regard makes them feel valued as individuals with their own thoughts, ideas, and feelings that you have the pleasure of getting to know better. In short, you’re done raising them, so now you get to enjoy the people they turned into. Also, there are some lessons they need to figure out on their own, even if you know what's coming their way.

So if your empty nest could use a few more visits from your kids every so often, check yourself to see if you’re offering more advice or input without their prompting. If so, a change of perspective could improve your conversations and ultimately your relationship.