For many people, having a partner in bed with you is a great way to end your day and go to sleep. Aside from the physical activity, it can be nice to share a warm bed and snuggle up with a person you love to release feel-good chemicals through cuddling, have a second body to help warm up the bed, and feel connected with your partner.
However, many older couples are routinely sleeping independently without any issue. Why is that? Well, many younger folks have gone to Reddit to ask older people why they’ve decided to stay together yet sleep alone with their spouses or partners.
Snoring is among many reasons committed couples have experimented with "sleep divorce."Photo credit: Canva
For most of the older couples, the move to sleeping in separate quarters was for practicality:
“I was absolutely sick of being asked in the middle of the night to sleep on the sofa due to snoring. A few years back we got a puppy and I moved downstairs to sleep to facilitate the 4 times a night it needed to go out. The move became permanent. It just works better.”
“My husband hated it at first, too, when it was just occasional nights that I would sleep in another bedroom or on the sofa, but when he started having trouble sleeping, too, and started realizing how much better he slept when I wasn't tossing and turning next to him, he got on board.”
“I’m a morning person in need of a quiet space to sleep while my husband is a night owl and needs to fall asleep to the TV.”
“My habit is to read for an hour or 2 before dozing off. Husband needs TV on. I sleep cold, he sleeps hot. The last time we shared a bed, he kicked me out and I hit my head on the nightstand. Separate rooms.”
“We are both terrible sleepers as we get older and we end up waking each other up all night with tossing and turning, trips to the bathroom, snoring, etc. At some point, a good night of sleep becomes more important than sleeping in the same bed.”
While one can think that this is a red flag indicating a problem in the relationship. After all, the telltale sign of trouble in a relationship on TV and in film is when one half of the couple sleeps on the couch. But many of these posters say that this isn’t the case:
“We also spend time in bed together every night before retiring to our separate rooms, and I think that's an important habit to maintain. It's OK not to do it every night, but for us, anyway, it maintains the emotional and physical intimacy, and I notice a difference if we skip that time together for more than a week.”
“I sleep from 9pm – 5am and he sleeps from 12am – 8am. Our relationship is healthier, and people act like it means we aren’t intimate anymore lol. As if intimacy is only at night in the bed.”
“I usually climb into bed anywhere from 0-4 hours before she gets up, and we always cuddle. But we almost never go to sleep at the same time. That's why I tuck her in every night. We cuddle a lot before she goes to sleep, and joke around and she teases me or I tease her until she wants to go to sleep. :)”
“We spend time in bed together every night before we go to sleep, and then we retire to our separate bedrooms and get a good sleep.”
A 2017 poll from the National Sleep Foundation found that one in four couples actually sleep separately. So is this “sleep divorce” practice actually healthy? Or will it just lead to actual divorce? Well, according to psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona of Manhattan, it all depends on the reasoning behind getting separate bedrooms.
Just because a couple sleeps separately doesn't mean they're never in bed together.Photo credit: Canva
"The effects of sleeping in separate rooms can be extremely positive for a relationship, extremely negative for a relationship, or anything in between," said Dr. Cilona to USA Today. “Each couple should examine and discuss clearly and specifically their thoughts, feelings, and needs around this issue to find a mutually satisfying compromise."
In short, it appears that whether it’s healthy if you sleep together or separately depends on “why” you’re not sleeping together. Many of these psychologists believe that as long as both partners are on board and that the purpose is so that your loved one can get quality rest that it shouldn’t negatively impact the relationship. In fact, both people in the couple getting quality sleep ultimately makes each one happier overall.
Whether alone or together, having a good night’s rest leads to better connection and life with your partner.
Photo credit: Canva
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Why do some folks use social media but don't engage?
Psychologist says people who never comment on social media share these 5 positive traits
For over 20 years, social media has developed into a staple in many people’s day-to-day lives. Whether it’s to keep in communication with friends and family, following the thoughts of celebrities, or watching cat videos while sipping your morning coffee, there seem to be two types of social media users: commenters and lurkers.
The term “lurker” sounds equally mysterious and insidious, with some social media users writing them off as non-participants at best or voyeurs at worst. However, mindfulness expert Lachlan Brown believes these non-commenters have some very psychologically positive and healthy traits. Let’s take a look at how each one of these traits could be beneficial and see how fruitful lurking might be even though it can drive content creators crazy.
1. Cautious about vulnerability
Consciously or not, making a post online or commenting on one puts you and your words out there. It’s a statement that everyone can see, even if it’s as simple as clicking “like.” Doing so opens yourself up to judgment, with all the good, bad, and potential misinterpretation that comes with it. Non-commenters would rather not open themselves up to that.
These silent users are connected to a concept of self-protection by simply not engaging. By just scrolling past posts or just reading/watching them without commentary, they’re preventing themselves from any downsides of sharing an opinion such as rejection, misunderstanding, or embarrassment. They also have more control on how much of themselves they’re willing to reveal to the general public, and tend to be more open face-to-face or during one-on-one/one-on-few private chats or DMs. This can be seen as a healthy boundary and prevents unnecessary exposure.
Considering many comment sections, especially involving political topics, are meant to stir negative emotional responses to increase engagement, being extra mindful about where, when, and what you comment might not be a bad idea. They might not even take the engagement bait at all. Or if they see a friend of theirs post something vulnerable, they feel more motivated to engage with them personally one-on-one rather than use social media to publicly check in on them.
2. Analytical and reflective mindset
How many times have you gone onto Reddit, YouTube, or any other site and just skimmed past comments that are just different versions of “yes, and,” “no, but,” or “yes, but”? Or the ever insightful, formerly popular comment “First!” in a thread? These silent browsers lean against adding to such noise unless they have some valid and thoughtful contribution (if they bother to comment period).
These non-posters are likely wired on reflective thinking rather than their initial intuition. Not to say that all those who comment aren’t thoughtful, but many tend to react quickly and comment based on their initial feelings rather than absorbing the information, thinking it over, researching or testing their belief, and then posting it. For "lurkers," it could by their very nature to just do all of that and not post it at all, or share their thoughts and findings privately with a friend. All in all, it’s a preference of substance over speed.
3. High sense of self-awareness
Carried over from the first two listed traits, these silent social media users incorporate their concern over their vulnerability and their reflective mindset into digital self-awareness. They know what triggers responses out of them and what causes them to engage in impulsive behavior. It could be that they have engaged with a troll in the past and felt foolish. Or that they just felt sad after a post or got into an unnecessary argument that impacted them offline. By knowing themselves and seeing what’s being discussed, they choose to weigh their words carefully or just not participate at all. It’s a form of self-preservation through restraint.
4. Prefer to observe rather than perform
Some folks treat social media as information, entertainment, or a mix of both, and commenting can feel like they’re yelling at the TV, clapping alone in a movie theater when the credits roll, or yelling “That’s not true!” to a news anchor that will never hear them. But contrary to that, social media is a place where those yells, claps, and accusations can be seen and get a response. By its design, social media is considered by experts and the media as performative, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Taking all of the previously mentioned traits into account, one can see why they would prefer to “observe the play” rather than get up on the stage of Facebook or X.
On top of that, these non-commenters could be using social media differently than those who choose to fully engage with it. Using this type of navigation, there may be nothing for them to comment about. Some commenters are even vying for this for their mental health. There are articles about how to better curate your social media feeds and manipulate algorithms to create a better social media experience to avoid unnecessary conflict or mentally tiring debate.
If you go on a blocking spree on all of your accounts and just follow the posters that boost you, it could turn your social media into a nice part of your routine as you mainly engage with others face-to-face or privately. In terms of commenting, if your curated Instagram is just following cute dogs and all you have to offer for a comment is “cute dog,” you might just enjoy the picture and then move on with your day rather than join in the noise. These non-commenters aren’t in the show and they’re fine with it.
5. Less motivated by social validation
The last trait that Brown showcases is that social media users who browse without posting tend to be independent from external validation, at least online. Social media is built to grow through feedback loops such as awarding likes, shares, and reposts of your content along with notifications letting you know that a new person follows you or wants to connect. This can lead many people to connect their activity on social media with their sense of self worth, especially with adolescents who are still figuring out their place in the world and have still-developing brains.
Engaging in social media via likes, shares, comments, and posts rewards our brains by having them release dopamine, which makes us feel good and can easily become addictive. For whatever reason, non-commenters don’t rely on social media as a means to gauge their social capital or self worth. This doesn’t make them better than those who do. While some non-commenters could have healthier ways to boost their self worth or release dopamine into their systems, many get that validation from equally unhealthy sources offline. That said, many non-commenters’ silence could be a display of independence and self confidence.
Whether you frequently comment online or don’t, it’s good to understand why you do or don’t. Analyzing your habits can help you determine whether your online engagement is healthy, or needs to be tweaked. With that information, you can then create a healthy social media experience that works for you.