It’s understandably frustrating and worrying when a person has the wrong impression about you. It could be someone you see daily at work that misconstrued or misinterpreted something, or a stray comment on social media. For some folks, it can gnaw at you and you get caught in a spiral thinking of ways to get them to see the real you and change their mind about who they thought you were. Or, it could cause you to doubt yourself and believe their mistake about you is the truth. However, a New York Times bestselling author believes the best way to combat people who are wrong about you is to just…well, let them be wrong.
In a TikTok, author Alex Elle offered some key advice that could bring freedom for those who are caught up trying to convince other people to see them for who they are. “I know this is easier said than done,” Elle says, “but I need you to try, okay? Let people be wrong about you.”
Elle explained that a person’s peace can sometimes be more important than someone else’s understanding, and that if you don’t have the energy then don’t allow other people’s opinions drain you. In fact, trying to explain or push back on their opinion sometimes can backfire and make it worse.
Therapists agree with Elle’s words…to a point
The professionals in psychiatry and therapy that reached out to GOOD echo Elle’s approach.
“Letting people be wrong about you doesn’t mean that you are wrong, or you have lost an argument,” said therapist Yuki Shida. “It is a healthy way to reframe a situation where you are not entirely in control. You are not in control of how people perceive you and your actions.”
“One of the most freeing things we can learn as adults is that we don’t have to correct other people’s stories about us,” said therapist Chloë Bean. “Most of the time, their reaction says more about their history and nervous system than it does about who we really are.”
While Elle’s advice is sound, the therapists that reached out to GOOD wanted to make clear that wanting or desiring to not be framed incorrectly or misunderstood by others is still a natural, normal reaction.
“The pop culture literature encourages the ‘let them’ mentality but, in reality, it is natural for people to want to be accepted, liked, and included,” explains psychotherapist Candice Thompson. “What is often missed from this ethos is to normalize feeling misunderstood.”
“Oftentimes we have a hard time letting go of what others think of us when we were raised in an environment with high expectations or frequent criticism,” said licensed counselor and therapist Stephanie Olvera. “It may be helpful to understand that this may result in our deep-rooted desire to be liked or accepted.”
“It is important to note that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked—we are wired to connect and belong out of survival instincts—but when we are not in a survival situation, we can zoom out and use these tools for perspective,” said Bean.
What can I do if I can’t shake that “But they don’t understand!” feeling?
So don’t let other people’s opinions bother you. Got it.
Sounds about as effective as when you’re told to just ignore bullies at school, doesn’t it? Fortunately, the professionals offered some tips to help you mentally combat against other folks’ incorrect opinions about yourself and experience the freedom of letting them be wrong.
“I encourage clients to create a list of their positive qualities that they can turn to when they need a reminder of the power of being themselves,” said therapist and coach John Sovec. “The list does not need to be long, just a gentle reminder that there are qualities about ourselves that matter and are unique to us.”
“When you notice yourself spiraling into the idea of what others are thinking, consider giving yourself a gentle reminder that other people’s opinions are not facts,” advised Olvera. “Your values guide who you are and what is actually important. This shift in focus allows you to reconnect with your emotions and your ability to ground yourself away from the discomfort.”
Thompson offered advice to those who are in relationships where one person may feel required to defend and explain themselves to the other.
“I encourage clients to acknowledge the emotions that come up for them. Don’t judge these emotions, just pay attention to them. Our emotions reveal to us our values and needs,” said Thompson. “Then, if this is a safe relationship, try to explain where you feel the person got it wrong.
“The open dialogue can repair good relationships and even deepen them. If this is not a safe relationship, or if you tried to communicate and you were still disregarded, then it’s important to focus on what you know to be true about yourself,” Thompson explained. Thompson noted that surrounding yourself with a strong support system of people that know the good in you is helpful to offset unfair criticism—and just good to have in life as a whole.
“A helpful question is: Am I giving this person power that they haven’t earned?” said Bean. “Not everyone will get access to your truth. Not everyone has to like you, and you don’t have to like everyone either…that is part of being human!”
If you still can’t shake another person’s incorrect opinion about you or are in a relationship in which you’re often misunderstood, it may be worth seeking professional counseling to get the tools and help you need.
To conclude, Sovec shared a quote from Dr. Seuss with GOOD that he tells his clients when they experience unfair opinions from others. It’s a message we can all take to heart:
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
