Relationship study reveals the psychological damage of ghosting a date

Picture this: You and another person go out on a date. You think it went well, it even ended with a kiss, and you agree to text to make plans tomorrow. Well, tomorrow comes and you shoot over a possible second date. Then a day goes by. Then a week. Then it’s clear that you’re among the three out of ten dating adults that have been ghosted. While ghosting is considered rude, it could be more harmful than a blunt break-up.

A Wayne State University study is showing that ghosting not only matches emotional hurt of being rejected, but the participants in the study said that they would have a harder time letting go of emotional attachment compared to just being directly broken up via text. The emotional limbo of not knowing if they were ghosted led participants to consider trying to make contact again within 24 hours of being initially ignored and even check out a person’s social media after they’ve been ghosted.

In the study, participants were told to picture going on two dates with a hypothetical person named Taylor and to text “Taylor’s” number with their phone asking to see them again. The participants would randomly receive one out of three different responses: an enthusiastic yes, a decline asking for no further contact, and no response at all. While getting a “no” did hurt, it at least made it hurt less for the participants.

“Ghosted individuals exhibited similar negative emotions as those who were explicitly rejected,” said research lead Amanda L. Szczesniak to PsyPost. “However, being ghosted was also linked to continued emotional attachment to the romantic target, and, in one study, to a similar degree as those who were accepted. Those who were ghosted also reported higher intentions to contact the target as time passed, along with higher monitoring of the target’s social media.”

"Ghosting in my clinical opinion is a form of emotional neglect, as well as a form of conflict avoidance," said Cecille Ahrens, a licensed clinical social worker, in a USA Today interview. "In extreme cases, it can be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse on the part of the ghoster."

Ghosting isn’t just a growing issue in romance for Millennials and Gen Z, but also with friendships and work, too. While psychologists believe that ghosting can be seen as an abusive behavior, it happens for many different reasons and some of them could be valid. For example, some women ghost their exes to avoid abuse or violence should they resume communication. But in many cases, it’s best for both the ghoster and ghosted to get closure.

Breaking up is difficult, even if it’s mutual and even if the relationship is pretty new. But in most cases, it’s ethically better to do it directly. Experts say the best way to break up is in person if possible. Before you do so, think and thoroughly map out what you want to say and the problem(s) you had with the relationship along with anticipating what the response might be.

When you set up the break-up, choose a neutral spot to meet like a coffee shop and be sure to give them a heads-up that you have something serious you’d like to discuss with them. This gives them time to properly prepare or maybe even cut to the chase and mutually break-up with you then and there. In either case, allow them the opportunity to respond and share their feelings with you, then you two can discuss next steps (cut off communication, remain friends but no romance, etc.). License therapist Tya Stone recommends mentioning how much you appreciated the person in your life (depending on the circumstance) as that would help ease the blow.

Breaking up in person will not only help build you as a person with the skills and confidence to help you in other situations, but also be healthier for the recipient as well.